Tory-Toasting Nazi Sacked For Bringing Party Into Disrepute

Schwein

Backbench Nazi Aidan von Burley has been sacked from his parliamentary post by Hitler and placed under SS investigation, after being photographed toasting the Conservative Party during the stag weekend of a friend who was dressed as a Tory.

“Von Burley has behaved in a manner which is offensive and foolish,” said a Party spokesman in a propaganda broadcast. “Just because the Tories happen to share our views on disability doesn’t make them acceptable.”

Meanwhile, Herr Hitler - who recently used the Burning of the Mobelstag as an excuse for mass arrests - has announced a doubling of the security budget for the Olympiad to cover massive Wehrmacht deployment in and around the Olympische Dorf, raising fears that he will usurp the sporting ethos of the event as a showcase for his vaunting military ambitions. He also warned that any disabled athletes daring to participate in the Paralympic Games will be followed around track and field by the dreaded interrogators of the Atostapo.

Did Daily Mail Teach Norwegian Gunman To Spout Shite?

Thousands of pages of incoherent racist shite

British police are reported to be investigating the disturbing possibility that murderous right-wing gunman Anders Behrig Breitvik may have been a decent sort of chap until, on a fateful visit to the UK in 2002, he was introduced to a copy of the Daily Mail and thus acquired the deadly art of spouting reams of pernicious racist bollocks which couldn’t make less sense if you held it upside down and tried to read it in a mirror.

As calls mounted to classify the Daily Mail as a hatemongering organisation and shut it down immediately, unapologetic Mail spokesmen Chris Greenwood, Christian Gysin and Nick Fagge were keen to point out not only that the English Defence League has distanced itself from the far-right mass murderer, but also that EDL founder and ex-BNP activist Stephen Lennon was personally “sickened” by the attack - whilst somehow forgetting to mention that he would be in the dock himself later on the same day for using threatening, abusive or insulting behaviour as he led 100 Luton Town football hooligans in a massive street brawl.

His previous convictions for cocaine use and assault also somehow escaped the intrepid Mail investigators’ notice, in their frantic back-footed efforts to draw a clear distinction between savage foreign right-wing morons who go on murdering sprees, and respectable British right-wing morons who only dream of them.

Hitler Encouraged Allied Extremists To Invade Europe, Say Police

Without all that Nuremberg hoohah, say police, these extremists might never have been recruited

Britain’s police chiefs tonight expanded on their earlier statement that the rise of far-right groups like the English Defence League is encouraging Islamic extremism, pointing out that the violent invasion of mainland Europe in 1944 by militant Allied groups was similarly encouraged by Hitler.

“If I could go back in time,” explained Detective Superintendant Savage, “What I’d say to Mr Hitler and his boys is, ‘Look, could you just tone it down a little, lads? You’re being a bit counter-productive here.’”

“All that patriotic marching up and down in jackboots just gave extremist troublemakers like Eisenhower and Churchill the excuse they needed to justify terror bombing and fighting in the streets,” he continued, “And look how that ended up. Instead of embodying Hitler’s visionary ideas of order, Europe was forcibly converted at gunpoint to liberal democracy, which makes life bloody awkward for us coppers.”

Angriff Wins 122% Support From BNP Members

Independent counters verified the result

BNP leader Nick Angriff vowed to lead the British National Party for a thousand years, after its members delivered a resounding vote of confidence in his brilliant leadership by giving him a comfortable 122% support in a challenge by discredited, Zionist-backed infiltrators.

The distinctly negroid alcoholic Derek Adams achieved a mere 0 signatures, notorious gay Pakistani terrorist Richard Barnbrook won no support and the main contender, hook-nosed baby-sacrificing moneylender Eddy Butler – whose shabby campaign consisted solely of chanting “Angriff has only one eyeball” - saw his support evaporate to a mere 0 nominations.

A triumphant Mr Angriff thumped the podium repeatedly as he declared the results, adding magnanimously that he had commuted his challengers’ sentences to seven years in a re-education camp “where they will learn to concentrate better”.

Dunkirk Remembered - By The BNP

Today we remember those fateful far-off days, now 70 years ago, when the tattered remnants of the British National Expeditionary Force were completely surrounded by ghastly foreign bastards on a small beach on the wrong side of the White English Channel, and how their miraculous rescue by a flotilla of little shits has become the stuff of legend.

The precise reasons for the British National Expeditionary Force being in the land of wine-guzzling Johnny Frog need not concern us too deeply. Suffice it to say that Hitler had the right idea, but his fatal flaw was that he was a bloody foreigner. Thousands of patriotic white Englishmen – and let’s not forget that, despite what the revisionist mainstream parties would have you believe, our inclusive forces also featured many loyal Jocks, Micks and Taffies in minor non-combatant roles – had faithfully answered their country’s call to arms in its hour of need, to crush Hitler’s jackbooted Paki hordes which threatened to wipe out thousands of years of white civilisation. Predictably, after being let down by our so-called European ‘partners’, faithful Billy Atkins and his white comrades-in-arms were trapped with their backs to the sea, facing the most ignominious defeat in white history.

Fortunately, however, salvation was at hand. Back in dear old Blighty, BNP founder-member Winston Churchill – at that time sidelined by the homosexual Establishment and vilified in the communist-dominated press just for standing up and being proud to be British – realised that something had to be done to save the British National Expeditionary Force from a massacre. So he got on the blower and selflessly set about doing something for others - a trait unique, of course, to the morally-superior white race.

One of the many establishment-spread lies that still endures about Dunkirk is that there was no air cover. The long-suppressed truth is that, although the beleaguered heroes on the beach-head swore that the UK Air Party were giving them no support whatsoever, in fact the doughty moustachioed warriors of the skies were just out of sight, fighting a brave battle over Brussels. For example, heroic Brylcreem boy Nigel Farage fearlessly towed his wing commander’s pennant into the air against overwhelming odds, only to prang his iconic and 100% British-made Stuka on the shoreline - to cruelly misplaced jeers from the very lads he was trying to help!

Meanwhile, as our white boys took ineffectual pot-shots at the circling darky bombers threatening their traditional way of life, Winston’s plucky little shits were steaming valiantly to the rescue. Our brave lads scrambled furiously over the mole who leaked the membership list and clambered aboard the flimsy rescuing shits, which often came close to sinking. And it was with heavy heart that the last of the shits finally sailed over the horizon – tragically abandoning plucky young Lt. Nick Griffin, who was left behind after fighting a hopeless rearguard action, only to be completely overrun at the last minute.

And so our dauntless fighting boys returned empty-handed but unbowed to dear old Blighty, where they bravely kept up the unequal fight against the Paki menace with whatever they could improvise - such as hastily-manufactured shit-throwers made, with typical white ingenuity, entirely out of old t-shirts.

And so the British National Expeditionary Force passed into history. Let all patriotic white Englishmen stand together and say with pride that, at the going-down-the-pan of the Daily Mail, we will remember them.

Millions of British Troops Died In Two World Wars Fighting For The BNP, Claims Wonky-Eyed Man On Telly

A controversial BNP party political broadcast was aired last night on the BBC in front of an estimated three viewers who couldn't find the remote, sparking angry protests outside Broadcasting House which ensured that it was all over the news this morning for everyone to see.

In the broadcast, wonky-eyed BNP leader Nick Angriff was seen sitting in front of a case full of medals that weren't awarded to him, with a framed photograph of Churchill glaring at the back of his head, and flanked on one side by a Union flag nicked off a sandcastle and on the other with two sets of books whose spines showed the Dutch flag.

"I'm here to tell you the truth," lied Mr Angriff, after initially scaring a pensioner to death with an air raid siren. He then told both of his surviving viewers that millions of white servicemen, totally unaided by any colonial forces, had selflessly laid down their lives fighting black people in two world wars, before promising faithfully that no more white British soldiers would remain in Afghanistan for a single second after he graciously accepted his destined task of forming a government.

He also explained to his audience - who, by now, were desperately searching for the manual to find out how to turn the telly off from the front panel - that Labour, Tory and Liberal Democrat MPs were directly responsible for plotting to exterminate tens of thousands of innocent white pensioners every winter, who under a BNP government would live forever.

At this point, the portrait of Churchill floated from its shelf and battered Mr Angriff unconscious - bringing the party's broadcast to a timely close.

"I'm sure my wife and I will recover after a nice cup of tea," said traumatised viewer Jimmy Dawson. "And at least now, thanks to the BNP, we know how to turn the telly off with the phone directory in an emergency."

Desecration of Holocaust Site Considerably Less Newsworthy Than Predictably Inept English Reaction To Seasonal Weather

The appalling theft of the notorious 'Arbeit Macht Frei' sign over the gates of the Auschwitz concentration camp - possibly stolen to order for a sick neo-Nazi collector - went unnoticed in England, as people sat huddled around their televisions for warmth and shivered at unceasing reports of yet more trains, roads and airports descending into utter chaos at the first hint of winter.

"I went outside and crapped in my pants at the terrifying sight of a sprinkling of deadly snow on the garden," said banker Rob Blind from his sauna-like bedroom, where he lay huddled under three duvets. "So some ironmongery has been pinched in Poland. I reckon it was probably gypsies. What's so special about this Auschwitz place anyway?"

'I Want To Be The Barking MP,' Declares BNP Leader

British Nazi Party leader Nick Angriff today announced his intention to contest the East London parliamentary constituency of Barking, hoping that a large turnout of Barking racists will make him the Barking BNP member of parliament.

"We've always had a lot of support from Barking people," said Mr Angriff, who is currently a Member of the Hated European Autocracy. "I can and will represent their views like no other politician, because I understand and share their views completely. General de Gaulle famously once said that he was France. Well, my message to the electorate is simply this: I AM BARKING."

Meanwhile, rumours that the BNP's other MEP, Andrew Brons, is seeking a home in the Shetland village of Twatt were denied by a party spokesman.

"That's typical of the blatant media distortion and lies which are carefully orchestrated to make the BNP look ridiculous and stupid," he complained. "He's going to the other one, way out in the Orkneys."

"The BNP is really only interested in representing the more extreme of the UK's Twatts," he added.

Poll Says 22% Of British Public Would Vote For Karadzic

An unquestionably reliable survey conducted by reputable online pollsters YouWot shows that a full 22% of 50 bored middle-class British teens with nothing better to do than tick boxes on an annoying pop-up would 'seriously consider' voting for the mass-murdering Bosnian war criminal Radovan Karadzic, following his much-publicised non-appearance on Question Crime today.

Speaking after his controversial non-appearance was broadcast, Mr Karadzic complained that the much-hyped trial was "more like a witch-hunt" and that the prosecuting lawyers were completely biased against him.

"I rilly like sort of wanted to hear him explain his views in his own words?" said a disappointed Josh Geake, 14. "But it was like he couldn't get a word in edgeways, what with not being there sort of thing? It wasn't fair - it was like all the prosecutors rilly had it in for him from the start? Like they'd already made up their minds sort of thing? I kind of feel a bit sorry for him rilly, y'know?"

"All I like know about Radical Wotsisname is like what other people say he says, yeah?" agreed Emily Pratt, 16. "Everyone's like, 'He wanted to get rid of the Muslims out of Bosnia right?' and I'm like, 'Yeah but like that was like a rilly rilly long time ago but I want to hear what he thinks now right?' and it's like he so wants to speak for himself and stuff and it's like rilly unfair on him?"

The International Criminal Tribunal is facing mounting criticism for its handling of Mr Karadzic's case, with many newspapers suggesting that the entire show trial was biased in focusing entirely on him and his campaign of ethnic cleansing which led to the slaughter of 8,000 Bosniaks, yet totally ignoring other key topical issues of the day - such as the X Factor vote shock and Andrew Lloyd Webber having cancer.

"I think right yeah that the witnesses ought to be on trial too, cos like that would be loads fairer?" said Liam Hacker, 15. "All he wanted to do was crack down on the number of Muslims in his country, yeah? Which like I can totally understand? I'm like so not a racist, though."

"If it wasn't for the British government like totally denying me my human rights cos they say I'm like 'not old enough to make a rational judgment' yeah right - which is like rilly patronising and unfair yeah - I reckon I might vote for him? Just for a laugh like?" he explained. "I mean he can't be any worse than like Cameron and Brown and the other one, can he?"

"And his hair's just like rilly wild, too?" he added.

Nazi Invasion of Britain Called Off

Adolf Hitler's much-vaunted invasion of Britain was put on hold indefinitely last night, after a plucky defence of the nation's airwaves by the brave few.

The screeching Nazi dictator's long-feared appearance on Conquest Time was confidently routed by the Royal Airtime Force's finest young heroes - plucky Sqn Ldr 'Mad Jack' Straw VC and bar, dashing Flt Lt Chris 'Hun-Basher' Huhne DSO DFC, doughty Sgt 'Bluey' Warsi DFM and a gutsy Eagle Squadron volunteer from the United States, Pilot Officer 'Clyde' Greer.

Hitler's dreaded, droning Luftwaffle was repeatedly torn apart by valiant attacks, resolutely pressed home before the very eyes of literally hundreds of civilians who came out of their shelters to watch the epic battle unfolding in the BBC's studios.

Adolf first tried to drop an enormous bombshell by claiming that Mr Churchill was in fact the original card-carrying Nazi, but it fell harmlessly into the mud of the Thames and failed to explode. Next, an attempted incendiary attack on Sqn Ldr Straw's father blew up in the fascist leader's face, to the jubilant cheers of the watching London crowds. Before long, Herr Hitler was reduced to a state of hysteria, laughing feebly as one by one his arguments were plucked from the air and smashed to the ground by his opponents.

Back at home, ordinary Nazis were outraged by their leader's dismal performance.

"Der führer vos humiliated in ze eyes of der vorld," snarled a tearful unteroffizier of the elite Scheisskopf Division. "He vos meekly sitting zere mit ein dirty, Christ-murdering Jew, ein member of ze cringing untouchable caste und ein shallow-pated negro slave, und he utterly failed to beat ze living crap out of a single vun of zem. Some great fascist he turned out to be. Perhaps ve should follow der Fatty Brons instead. He may be a bit funny in ze head, but at least you can alvays rely on him to scream der purple-faced abuse at ze inferior races und vind up red-faced in ze dock."

"Gott in Himmel! Achtung!" he added. "For us, ze var is over."

His tail between his legs, Herr Hitler called off his planned subjugation of the British media after a bruising hour, finally mumbling incoherently to himself about the Stalinist legions of the BBC. He is believed to have retired to his bunker and blown his brains out, after witnesses saw him limping around this morning with a heavily-bandaged foot.

BNP Agrees To Change Name To British Nigger-Loving Party

Faced with the threat of potentially bankrupting legal action from the Equality and Human Rights Commission, British National Party führer Nick Angriff announced that he is seeking to change the racist party's constitution so that non-whites who are tired of living can choose to join its ranks.

"As a mark of good faith, I have already used my executive powers to rename the BNP the British Nigger-Loving Party," smiled Mr Angriff, hugging a cute little Asian baby for the cameras before dropping it in the trash compactor. "I have drafted a new constitution, in which wogs, chinks and nig-nogs will be granted membership of the party, where we look forward to standing round and cheering as they beat the living shit out of each other with crowbars for the entertainment of the superior white race."

The regulations concerning the party uniform of England t-shirt and cropped hair will also be relaxed to cater for ethnic sensibilities, said Mr Angriff.

"Wogs will be strenuously encouraged to wear loincloths and turbans as they serve char and operate the air-conditioning at party headquarters," he explained in conciliatory tones. "Darky members will be sporting denim dungarees with a straw hat and leg-irons, while our inscrutable contingent can dress like real human beings as long as they top off the ensemble with a conical hat and three-foot whiskers. You see, the white masters can be quite accommodating."

The new measures are being put before the party's rank-and-file members, who are said to be studying them intently in the hope that the funny black squiggly lines will mean something if they stare at them long enough.

The BNP's website has already been inundated with application enquiries from every member of every ethnic minority in Britain, who have worked out that eight million of them joining the BNP could make life quite interesting for the party's 10,000 current members.

You Have a Woman's Skull, Mein Führer

Adolf Hitler is alive and well and planning to unleash an unstoppable army of fanatical Nazi clones on a defenceless world, warned an archaeologist who claims that a bullet-pierced skull fragment long believed to belong to the evil dictator is in fact that of a woman.

"At the end o' the worr, a weary world needed to know that the corrs of so much inhuman suffering were, loike, definitely dead 'n' gone, oo arr," explained Phil from Time Team, an acknowledged expert on holes in the ground who carries an unrivalled collection of 206 assorted human bones around with him at all times. "So they Russians prodooced a few charred bits o' bone, everyone agreed they looked distinctly like Hitler and moved on."

"But 'twere orl a terrible case of wishful thinkin', loike," he warned. "That there 'itler chap, 'e probbly slipped out o' Germany amid all the chaos, mebbe entertainin' unsuspectin' British troops boi doin' Charlie Chaplin impressions in a tourin' concert party. Roight now, there moight be an embittered 120-year-old führer sittin' insoide an extinct volcano, puttin' the final touches to his insane plans to establish a Fourth Reich. Moine's a point o' scrumpy, Mick."

Wavering Labour grandee Lord Mandelson seized on the announcement with glee, humbly offering his services to any right-wing loony who might be running things in a year's time. However, World War II experts have reacted with caution to Phil from Time Team's astonishing claim.

"Interesting though this muddy bumpkin's theory may be, we cannot completely discount the possibility that the führer may simply have been a woman who went to unusual lengths to explain away a tragic facial hair problem," said the renowned war historians, Peter and Dan Snow, releasing a swarm of miniature blue and red armies from a large mapcase on the bonnet of a Range Rover. "That might explain a few things."

"Blimey," said the world's leading historyologist, Tony Robinson, turning to a graphic design flunky with a laptop. "Imagine Hitler with tits."

Lib Dem Leader Bravely Welcomes Chance To Send Someone Else To Tackle BNP

Speaking at his party's annual conference in a bus shelter in Bournemouth, Liberal Democrat leader Nick Votes has told both his supporters that he welcomes the chance to challenge the BNP on Question Time, albeit not in person.

"If the BBC ask one of those fascist thugs who have been elected to the European Parliament onto one of their flagship programmes, I want us - by which I mean one of my more expendable colleagues - to be there to take them on," he said, to a standing ovation as the number 37 circular arrived.

Jumping enthusiastically aboard, Mr Votes told the driver that he was regrettably unable to appear on the programme himself, having already promised to be at a barbecue on that particular night, whenever it might be. As he fumbled for the right policy change, he explained that his home affairs spokesman Chris Huhne had been given the honour of challenging the right-wing extremists, while he was out buying everyone chips.

Returning to the empty bus shelter, a bewildered Mr Huhne quickly read the hastily-scribbled briefing document his party leader had left wedged into the bench, turned pale, dropped all the portions and frantically searched the timetable for coach services to Heathrow Airport, before hailing a passing taxi and speeding away.

Political observers say that Mr Huhne's surname may turn out to be an inspired choice for a televised debate with the BNP's Nick Griffin - who will almost certainly spend the entire debate saluting him and obsequiously begging for orders, especially if Mr Huhne turns up in a well-tailored black uniform.

BBC To Invite T-1000 Onto Question Time

The BBC has provoked controversy by announcing that it may invite a representative of the Skynet global defence computer network to appear on its current affairs flagship programme, Question Time.

Mainstream parties have traditionally boycotted any programme in which they would be expected to share a platform with a murderous Terminator robot because of Skynet's avowed policies on exterminating the human race.

However, the BBC's chief political advisor, Pric Bailey, said that Skynet had "demonstrated evidence of electoral support" by getting a Terminator elected as governor of California, where it is creating mayhem in a vicious onslaught against essential public services.

Leading anti-robot campaigners condemned the BBC's plans, however.

"800,000 people may have voted Skynet last May," admitted veteran human right-to-exist advocate Sarah Connor, "But that's only because Skynet promised it would deal with the immigrants first. Many people are taken in by the smooth-talking T-1000, which is programmed to be all things to all men - but what they don't realise is that, behind the carefully-fabricated image, most of Skynet's rank-and-file members remain the brutal T-800s."

Others, however, argue that the democratic principle of freedom of speech must apply to Skynet, no matter how repugnant its policy of annihilation may be.

"I'm sure that, when the extent of its hate-filled views are exposed in public, the T-1000 will only succeed in exposing itself and Skynet to widespread ridicule," said a blindly optimistic Dr Myles Dyson. "Especially when a highly-respected elder statesman from one of the mainstream parties - Boris Johnson, for example, or Ed Balls at a pinch - fires a grenade launcher at it, and it smiles at the hole before the grenade goes off, and then it flails around shrieking, with its head attached to its arm."

"Everyone will just laugh at the T-1000," he promised, "Especially if Bojo follows it up by claiming he needs a vacation."

Shocked Nation Wonders How Violence Could Possibly Erupt At Racist Rally

An uneasy calm has returned to the centre of Nuremberg today, after yesterday saw running street battles between right-wing extremists and anti-fascist campaigners at an Aryan Defence League rally, resulting in 90 arrests for criminal damage and violent disorder.

"We are not ay fasceest oorganoysoytion, loyk," protested march organiser Mr Adolf Hitler afterwards, speaking through the bars of his police cell. "We're joost ay fyow concerned citizuns troying tow prootect ower traditioonal Aryan values boy morching thraow the citoy streyts with ower coolorful banners. What's sow wrong weev woyving a fyow placards soying 'Erwacht England!', that's woot oy'd loyk to knaow? Oy cood wroyte a bouk about this, oi tell yow."

A police spokesman, speaking at the Rathaus later, defended his force's controversial decision to allow 30,000 Aryan supremacists to parade through the heart of Nuremberg on a Saturday afternoon, when the streets were full of shoppers innocently going about their activities.

"Wot yow've got to oonderstand, loyk, ees that eef way'd banned thees morch, poyple wood oov been soying, 'Bluday coppoors, that's loyk an infringemoont oov ower civoul libertays'," said Erster Polizeihauptkommissar Savage of the Nuremberg force. "Instead, boy rowting the morchers throuw soom of ower busayest strayts, woy made sure lowds oov terrifoyed shoppers saw oos broyvlay prowtecting them froom soortain death in ay pitched battow. Resoolt!"

Naturally, Nuremberg's ethnic minorities were not asked for their opinions about yesterday's events, as all decent white folk agree they are lucky to be allowed to live in such a tolerant society as ours.

Obama Was Born To Be Alive, Insists White House

Exasperated White House aides have reiterated the message that President Obama is indeed a citizen of the United States by birth, in the face of persistent conspiracy theories claiming that he was in fact not born in Hawaii at all, but assembled in some factory in the Far East, or possibly space.

The so-called 'birthers' have not been dissuaded by the posting online of Mr Obama's birth certificate, nor by assurances from the non-partisan Annenberg Public Policy Center of the University of Pennsylvania that the original certificate is genuine, with right-wing talk-show hosts claiming that, as a machine politician assembled in a factory by other machines, the President in ineligible to hold the highest office in the land.

"The fact that he's an uppity nigger-boy with ideas above his station has nothing to do with it," screamed shock-jock Cletus Himmler, a senior crypto-rantist at popular extremist propaganda station K-NAZ. "Some of my best friends are black. Not on the surface, admittedly - but deep in their hearts, where it counts."

The president himself has so far declined to enter the debate, as he is currently being retrofitted with a hardware update which will enable him to stun opponents up to two miles away with a subsonic audio-pulse.

"Is there anything you can say which will make the birthers go away?" mused White House spokesman Robert Gibbs. "Probably not, as it seems there are now more hysterical Nazis in the United States today than in the whole of Greater Germany in 1939."

Ecclestone 'Gets Things Done', Says Hitler

Adolf Hitler has been granted temporary leave from the fieriest pit of hell to give a newspaper interview on the subject of Formula One.

Speaking with difficulty due to his lips being crudely stitched together with a burning coal in his mouth, the unrepentant architect of Nazism mumbled candidly about his admiration for F1's owner, Bernie Ecclestone.

"Say vot you like, zat liddle mop-top shortarse ist ein great dictator," said Hitler, looking a little the worse for wear after enduring 64 years of intimacy with red-hot skewers. "I vos screaming mit Saddam Hussein only yesterday during zer daily genital-roasting, und ve both vish ve had his ability to command a lot of peoples und to get things done."

"He is der only vun who can control der Formula Vun," explained the smouldering führer. "He moves into countries und he has no idea of kultur, he just takes all zer cash zer corrupt governments throw at him, tells zem vat he vants und zey build it. Zer are peoples starving in Afrika, und he sits back - alzough he might be standing, it's hard to tell - and does nudding except count his moneys. Vot a guy!"

Stifling sobs of agony caused by the dozens of pins stuck into his eyeballs, the former leader of Nazi Germany urged Mr Ecclestone not to get taken away by the rebellious F1 teams and persuaded to do things he had no idea could be done or not - such as letting them spend their own money on their own cars as they see fit without his bloated lackey, the black-uniformed Josef Mosley, inflicting his insane race theories on them, such as ordering all cars to be fitted with at least one square wheel.

"He says he vants a Jewish black female in zer sport to boost zer appeal," added Herr Hitler hurriedly, as a deep, booming voice recalled him to hell for his daily flensing. "Zat vould indeed make zer excellent trophy for zer vinning driver."

Ironic Protesters Deny BNP Leader Freedom of Speech

BNP leader Nick Griffin has spoken out against protesters who pelted him with eggs outside Westminster today, forcing him to cut short what had been looking to journalists like a dull news conference barely worth mentioning.

Standing beside his smiling, happy-go-lucky colleague Andrew Brons, Mr Griffin began his speech by denouncing 'lies' in the daily papers about him and his party - specifically denying alleged links between himself and Sir Oswald Mosley, saying that the former fascist leader "was very hostile to the National Front which I am from", yet somehow forgetting to mention that this was to a large degree because the former Blackshirt was appalled by its anti-European stance.

However, a placard-waving of what Mr Griffin called "mainly left-wing students" - many of them wearing left-wing suits - quickly mobbed the newly-elected MEPs and pelted them with eggs, forcing the BNP leaders and what one BBC reporter described as their 'thick set' supporters to retreat to a waiting car.

"It's a very, very sad day for democracy," he said later with a straight face, adding that the protest group "does not represent ordinary people."

The demonstration was organised by Unite Against Fascism, a group supported by trade unions and all three mainstream political parties - which, on the basis of how people voted in the European elections, speaks only for a tiny 57.1% of the voters compared to the BNP's more representative 6.2%.

One protester shouted to the fleeing Mr Griffin: "Wherever you go in this country, we will make sure you are welcomed by demonstrations."

"Lovely, that'll guarantee us another day of headline coverage," replied Mr Griffin, "See you all in Manchester tomorrow, then."

Hitler Vows To Fight Dictatorial European Superstate

Adolf Hitler and a glove puppet were today celebrating their conquest of the North East, Yorkshire and Humberside, after almost a million Britons decided to piss on the graves of 50 million victims of World War Two and vote for fascism.

"I'd like to thank all those petty, small-minded morons for doing what fatty Goering failed to achieve, and giving me a secure foothold in the British Isles," smiled the resurgent Führer, who many thought had been banished to the pages of history and the fires of hell. "With my loyal deputy puppet Billy Brit at my side, I shall sweep across the continent and put a stop to this pan-European dictatorship."

"I'd also like to thank the press - especially my old friends at the Daily Mail - for their sterling work in demonising Muslims, immigrants and European migrant workers," he continued. "And I probably couldn't have done it without my allies in UKIP, who have done so much to help the very people who fought me 70 years ago to forget what it was that they were fighting against."

"Finally, I'd like to thank the great majority of the great British public, who couldn't be bothered to vote at all," he added. "Many of you said, 'It doesn't matter who you vote for, the politicians always get in.' Well, I certainly couldn't have got in if you hadn't been so smug about disenfranchising yourselves. And thank you, too, to everyone who stayed at home to protest about politician's expenses. Your apathy has ensured that I can receive a large amount of your money to promote my message of hatred, fear and bigotry, whilst claiming a hefty salary for being a member of a parliament whose authority I do not recognise."

Mr Hitler then went on to outline his plans to exterminate the Jews, the blacks, the Asians, the homosexuals and the mentally defective. He refused to be drawn, however, on whether the 916,424 people who voted BNP last Thursday would be included in the latter category.

'Why Wouldn't I Be Voting BNP?' Demands Jesus

In an unprecedented publicity coup for the British National Party, Jesus descended from heaven today and told a press conference that he would certainly be voting for the far-right party in the forthcoming European and county elections.

"I nearly fell off my cloud yesterday when I heard that beardy-weirdy Welshman and his houseboy telling people not to vote BNP," said the Son of God. "My old man's pretty hacked off too, I can tell you - and the Holy Ghost was so narked, he went white as a sheet."

"I went to a lot of trouble to set up an organisation where like-minded people would slavishly give up their freedom in return for being told what to think and do by some bossy fanatic in fancy dress," explained Jesus. "I demand total obedience from my followers, and anyone who disagrees can go to hell. If that's not a working definition of fascism, I don't know what it is."

"Just look at the Church of Scotland," explained our Lord and Saviour. "In a misguided attempt to move with the times, they've just gone and let a poofter in. So full marks to my loyal Jock bigots for threatening to split the kirk in two unless they run the bum-bandit out of town covered in feathers, that's what it's all about. I think you'll find my dad was quite clear on what to do with his sort."

"So I say a vote for the BNP is a vote for Christian values," concluded the Holy Lamb of God, as his beard started to peel off. "They'll make you proud to be a godfearing British fascist, or my name's not Nick Griffin."

"Bollocks," he added.