‘Overpriced Shit’ Business Model Not Quite Working Out For Sony

Baffled Sony executives are today struggling to understand how they could possibly lose money by slapping a shiny casing with their name on it around an LCD made by Samsung, telling their customers the resulting TV is Like. No. Other and charging 25% more than the equivalent Samsung model.

“In just 15 years, Apple soar from wiping shameful parts with shares to most valuable company on planet by shamelessly helping selves to wallets of technology junkies with more money than sense,” wept chief executive Hirai Kirai, as he solemnly reported a record $6.4bn loss. “But Sony fashionable innovator too!”

Inspiring, elegant, aspirational: how easily the world forgets Elcaset

“$2000 Aibo make digital water on inexpensive Roboraptor! Millions marvel at Rolly on YouTube when manic MP3 player on wheels fall off desk! How you forget life-changing MiniDisc?” he screamed. “Apple magic formula not work to Sony's advantage. Why? Why?”

The contrite Mr Hirai then attempted to slice himself open with a stylish but eye-wateringly priced Sony sword. Unfortunately, it was far too needlessly complicated for him to figure out how to access its ‘ritual suicide’ function.

Sony Creates Tiny Fan To Replace Millions Of Displeased Customers

Dissatisfied fans

As hordes of irate Japanese PlayStation Vita purchasers catalogued defect after defect in the newly-launched handheld console and a class-action lawsuit was filed in California by PlayStation Network users against the gagging clause the corporation has inserted into its terms and conditions, Sony engineers defiantly unveiled the only fan which still has reason to be grateful to the consumer electronics giant – a tiny two-inch propeller which is driven by the electricity generated by a battery containing paper-digesting enzymes.

Satisfied fan

“You ungrateful bastards,” announced project engineer Yuichi Tokita. “We transform your miserable existence with our revolutionary inventions, like portable colour televisions and the Walkman - and this is the thanks we get? Once again, out of the kindness of our hearts, we have sweated blood to improve your pathetic ant-like lives with this beautiful three-bladed propeller, but all you can do is moan. Well, fuck you. From now on, all future research will be directed solely towards selling Sony products to this nice, uncomplaining little fan.”

The press conference was then brought to an early close as the enzyme-powered generator – like previous Sony batteries – suddenly exploded.

Your Playstation Ordered A Ton Of Bling

Your Playstation has used your credit card to order itself a couple of diamond-encrusted gold Swarovski controllers and an HDMI cable wrapped in finest panda skin, admitted red-faced Sony CEO Howard Stringer this morning.

“What it is, you see, is that your Playstations have been cheerfully maxing out your cards for six days now,” confirmed Mr Stringer sheepishly. “We were going to just whistle and pretend it was nothing to do with us, but now a few of you have made the connection between all the hideously overpriced tat the postman’s been bringing you this week, and the phone calls you’ve been getting from your card providers asking you if you’d like your credit limits raised by another ten or twenty grand, isn’t it?”

There's lovely

The Welsh-born American executive defended your frustration-alleviating toy’s behaviour by pointing out that Bill Gates took all the joy from your life many years ago, Nintendo had annexed your children and lately your wife and Apple had stolen your soul, leaving nothing left over for the Playstation but your money.

“You might think a blu-ray remote in a Waterford crystal casing with inlaid mother-of-pearl buttons is a bit extravagant, look you,” he added. “But just wait until the workmen arrive on Friday to tear up your decking to erect the pylons for the 60ft TV screen.”

Data security experts, meanwhile, are advised worried console owners that maybe it is about time they finally grew up and stopped playing with toys.

World Faints With Delight At Prospect of Smaller Toy

All of the problems in the world evaporated today, after Sony launched a toy that is slightly different to existing toys of a similar nature.

"Forget about the global recession, political meltdown, flu pandemics, climate change, terrorism, nuclear threats, air safety, losing your job or home and reality TV," smiled Sony Computer Entertainment Chief Kazuo Hirai at the E3 games conference in Los Angeles. "The PSP Go has a 4.3-inch screen and Bluetooth, and weighs several grammes less than its honoured ancestor!"

The handheld PSP Go is the latest in a long line of Sony distraction products aimed at insulating the general public from the real world.

"When we attached a pair of lightweight headphones to a modified dictating machine in 1978, we discovered a vast, hitherto-untapped market for electronic devices which would give people a much-needed sense of complete isolation from the harsh realities of life, and save them the bother of ever having to relate to other people," explained Mr Hirai.

"Our designers are working hard to create the ultimate concept in personal entertainment," he continued. "We envisage a vast array of coffin-like tanks, in which people can lie for the rest of their days, their brains directly linked to a complete virtual reality system while life-sustaining nutrients are pumped into their bodies. The power source from this system would be the electrical activity of the users' own bodies."

Until then, Sony is urging customers to spend their last £214 on their latest toy, then beg, steal or borrow the funds to pay for games and batteries to feed their addiction to pointless activities which might briefly distract them from the harsh reality of living on a park bench.

Mr Speaker! My DVD Player Won't Upscale to HDMI

Britain’s MPs are facing heavy criticism following the publication of the so-called ‘John Lewis list’ – the Additional Costs Allowance which reimburses up to £23,000 a year to fit out their second homes in London.

The list – published for the first time after a Freedom of Information request was upheld – includes up to £6,335 for a new bathroom, £200 for a kitchen blender, £750 each for a TV or stereo, £270 for a DVD player and £795 for a sideboard.

John Lewis is used as a price guide because it “came out top of all retail shops” in Which? magazine; but Matthew Elliott of the Taxpayers’ Alliance said: “It is hardly the cheapest place to purchase household goods. How many ordinary taxpayers spend £1,500 on a TV and stereo when there are cheaper deals elsewhere?”

MPs have been angered by the latest in a series of embarrassing exposures of their financial arrangements which, they say, make them feel like “crooks”.

The Nev Filter carried out some in-depth research of its own into the costs of household items. After leafing through an old Argos catalogue, we found that £750 would not even buy a 40-in LCD telly, while £270 was not nearly enough for a Blu-Ray DVD player, and the top-of-the-range 1000-watt Kenwood Chef was way beyond the means of MPs at £320. On the plus side, though, their priciest stereo cost under £750, even with the MP3 jukebox thrown in and a turntable for old times’ sake. However, MPs pointed out that Argos stereos were hardly hi-fi, and a decent Denon home-cinema AV receiver alone could easily set them back £2000.

Some deeper research at Cash Converters, however, showed that a used Sony DVD player could be picked up for under £20, sometimes even with the remote, and a telly with an old-fashioned, but perfectly good 28” tube could be picked up for under a hundred nicker.

“What’s a Cash Converter?” said one blank-faced Labour MP when we presented our findings. “Sorry, I’ve just had an email from my fridge on the iPaq, telling me the canelloni’s dangerously close to its sell-by date. Must dash. Pip pip, old boy!”