Civil War Inevitable If Theresa May Orders Us To Lose Weight, Warn Police Gutbuckets

Sgt Crusher Harvey: the fat blue line

Britain’s flabby upholders of justice solemnly warned home secretary Theresa May today that the rule of law would collapse overnight if they were forced to reduce their pie intake.

“Our police force is admired and replicated throughout the world, from Bahrain to Kazakhstan,” spluttered Police Federation chairman Paul McKeever between mouthfuls. “We are seeing proposals that will fundamentally change the dynamics of policing. For example, the Durham Constabulary’s legendary interrogator, ‘Crusher’ Harvey, couldn’t have inflicted half as much agony if he lacked the necessary 30 stone to put behind his superb arm-wrenching interview technique.”

Rank-and-file members also warn that the infrastructure to implement change is totally lacking - pointing out that, unless thousands of new uniforms are available, slimmed-down officers trying to give chase whilst holding up their 60-inch trousers will be just as incapable of catching criminals as when they were lumbering fat bastards.

“As for requiring officers to study for A-levels and acquire skills in order to gain promotion, that’s just ludicrous,” added Mr McKeever, spraying crumbs indignantly. “How can our lardy lads possibly be expected to learn anything unless they’re regularly rewarded with mouth-watering takeaways?”

Theresa May Wishes European Court A Merry Christmas

Home secretary Theresa May today wished the European Court of Human Rights a very merry Christmas and a happy new year – adding that she hoped, when it reconvenes in a fortnight after the festive break, it would readily agree that fundamentalist Islamic hate preacher and MI5’s former best friend Abu Qatada has hopelessly missed the deadline for appealing against deportation.

Mrs May has also sent ministerial Christmas cards out to bemused cabinet colleagues, civil servants and representatives of the legal industry, in which she congratulates Britain for putting its economic woes firmly behind it and winning all the gold medals in the Olympics.

Government To Employ Everyone To Read Everyone Else’s Emails

Unemployment will soon be a thing of the past, with the government today guaranteeing jobs for life for everyone in Britain as it announced plans to spy on everything you say, do and think.

Welcome to your new job

“Not everyone is a terrorist or paedophile, obviously,” acknowledged home secretary Theresa May. “But everyone might be, which is all the excuse we need to do what Labour had the bare-faced cheek to suggest when they were in power.”

Under the Home Office proposals, everyone will be required to spend at least five hours a day monitoring and transcribing your calls, emails, text messages, social networking ,browsing history, facial expressions and body language, then pass it round until somebody eventually decides to send the police round to arrest you.

The Queen is expected to formally announce the plans to turn her country into China when she opens the next session of Parliament next month, if she knows what’s good for her.

“I heard that,” snapped Mrs May.

Where’s Wallies?

The only wally anyone's seen for a week is fourth from the right

Yes, it’s the picture-book craze that’s sweeping Britain! Will you be the first player to spot the hidden wallies - including David Cameron, George Osborne, William Hague, Theresa May and all the other Conservative cabinet members, who have been completely absent from public view since Christmas Eve?

Features dozens of elaborately- drawn crowd scenes, including:

- Klosters, the posh people’s skiing resort!
- Ladyboy lapdancing club in downtown Bangkok!
- Royal family’s festive bird-slaughtering jamboree at Sandringham!
- Weeping and wailing at Kim Jong-il's funeral!
- Falkland Islands penguin colony!

‘If A Terrorist Owns A Cat It’s Like Diplomatic Immunity,’ Insists Home Secretary, ‘Or Something’

Home secretary Theresa Maybe won a standing ovation today from the Tory faithful, as she warned conference delegates of the horrors of human rights.

“The uvva day, right, sam bladdy terrorist - I ain’t bein’ racist, but less just say ‘e wuz probly reekin’ uv curry know wot I mean – ‘e got nicked dinnee, for mowin’ down a busload uv kids wiv a machine gun or woteva, an’ when we tried to send ‘im ‘ome to whereva the bladdy ‘ell it is ‘e come from, ‘e pulls aht a bladdy cat - an’ blow me dan wiv a fevva, some prat in a wig sez well ‘e carn’t be deported canee cuz uv ‘is cat or summink,” she told her shocked audience.

Probably hidin' a bomb up its jacksy an' all, reckons Mrs May

“I in’t makin’ it up, I tell yer straight. Cross me art, iss Gawd’s own troof innit?” she insisted earnestly. “I ‘eard it off a coppa, an’ ‘e got it straight from one uv ‘is mates. Bladdy immigrant bastuds, ‘oo needs ‘em?”

A spokesman for the Judicial Office later pointed out that Mrs May was, in fact, making it up -or, in legal terminology, loquendo de toto testiculis.

“There was an immigrant who had outstayed his visa. He was Bolivian. He had a partner. He was in a permanent relationship of four years’ standing. He was granted leave to stay because, in trying to deport him, the Home Office had clearly failed to apply its own policy regarding a person’s basic right to a family life,” he sighed. “He did, in passing, mention his cat. That wasn’t actually a factor.”

Mrs May later admitted to the BBC that she had not actually bothered to check her facts before going off on a crazed rant in front of a crowd of impressionable Daily Mail readers.

“I wuz jass tellin’ a stawry, wunn I?” she added. “I dan’t need no facks gittin’ in the way uv a bladdy good yarn. I’m the bladdy ‘ome secketry, nah piss awf befaw I scrap the licence fee.”

Public Demanded Me Talking Out Of My Backside, Insists May

Do you remember asking for this? No, me neither

Home secretary Theresa May today defended the reeking clouds of foul stench which she has been energetically pumping out of her arse since returning from her agreeable holiday, claiming that they are exactly what the public is clamouring for.

“At times of national crisis, what the British people want - and have every right to expect - is politicians striking Ramboesque poses and threatening crackdowns of medieval savagery which they know perfectly well they cannot deliver,” explained the home secretary’s backside, after clearing her sphincter and half the briefing room. “That’s why I ordered the nation’s police chiefs to carry on with their plans to deploy extra forces and cancel leave. It doesn’t matter that I don’t have any authority to do so. What matters is that I look jolly important, because what sort of sorry state would the country be in if the public didn’t have complete faith in its politicians?”

At this point, the briefing was brought to a premature halt by an unexpected follow-through – which was promptly scooped up by delighted tabloid reporters and smeared all over their papers.

Police To Respond To Future 999 Calls By Post

Postal workers aren't looking forward to emptying his sack

Home secretary Theresa May has unveiled a radical shake-up of policing, which will see costs slashed by replacing 99% of police duties with a sternly-worded letter.

“We can save 2½ million police hours with automatically-generated letters,” she announced, “Which will incidentally bump up Royal Mail’s turnover nicely, while we try to find some mug to take it off our hands.”

Under the plans, bailed suspects will be notified of the charges brought against them by post, emergency callers will receive a pro-forma asking them to fill in the details within five working days, and fugitives from justice will be targeted by a mass mailout of gilt-edged invitations to a party at their nearest court.

Protest marches will in future be surrounded by couriers, said Mrs May, delivering to participants a list of suggested injuries they should consider inflicting upon themselves before posting footage of themselves on YouTube, while a random member of the public will be picked every week to receive an exploding parcel so that the inquiry industry can stay in business.

Nick Clegg, meanwhile, has announced that he has grave misgivings about the scheme.

English Requirement Will Not Apply To Britain’s Lower Orders, Admits May

Whoops of joy echoing from breakfast tables across the home counties at the news that the ability to speak middle-class English would not only be a requirement for staying in the UK, but would be retrospectively applied, abruptly faded as it became apparent that the rule would only be applied to immigrants coming from outside the EU.

Theresa May, the spacesuit-wearing Home Secretary, was announcing plans to make the ability to speak English at a level appropriate to a skilled worker a mandatory visa requirement.

“For a brief, wonderful moment I had a glorious vision of all these awful chavs, those ghastly creatures from Liverpool and the guttural peasants who clutter up the picture-postcard village in Cornwall where I have a perfectly adorable holiday cottage being rounded up with cattle prods, herded into containers and shipped in bulk to China, where they might be put to good use as dam-building material or something,” sighed Nicole Vaux, a corporate image advisor from Henley. “Then I’d be able to rest assured that the house and grounds would be kept absolutely spick and span by some nice, hardworking Poles or Lithuanians for far less wages than those surly yokels, Mr. and Mrs. Warleggan.”

Her friend Pippa Buckmaster, a Harley Street aura consultant, added that her greatest fear was that other countries might implement similar measures.

“After that ghastly parvenu Jim Potter – nothing more than a jumped-up builder - and his plain and frankly blotchy wife Jackie sold up and opened a tacky bar in Lloret del Mar, the whole street held a wine and cheese evening to celebrate,” she explained. “The last thing we want is for them to come crawling back again, no doubt clutching dreadful straw donkeys and wearing half-unravelled sombreros.”

“And if that awful Berlusconi and his gangster crew seriously expect me to learn their silly jibber-jabber before allowing me to enrich Italy’s cultural diversity by retiring to Tuscany, well he can jolly well think again,” she added. “It’s just so petty. As we all know, foreigners understand English perfectly well if you shout at them properly.”

Home Secretary Orders Arrest of Westminster Same-Sex Partners

Theresa May’s first act as Home Secretary has been to issue a warrant for the arrest of a notorious same-sex couple whose cruising activities in Westminster have been exposed on the front pages of several national newspapers.

Mrs May – who has a long history of voting against gay-friendly legislation – has also been made Minister For Equality, in a move which has been hailed as the most imaginative appointment to parliamentary office since Sir Henry Campbell-Bannerman gave the health portfolio to Count Dracula in 1905.

“If these two mincing nancies want to romp together in the same bed, what they do behind closed doors – no matter how offensive it may be to decent people - is their own sordid business,” she shuddered at a press conference today. “But surely, in the run-up to a general election, there were more important things to occupy our media than two raging poofters flagrantly sitting in a bed together.”

“This morning I picked up my morning paper, only to drop it right into my bowl of bran flakes in horrified disgust,” she went on and on. “There they were - bold as brass - all over the front page, acting out their stomach-churning travesty of a proper marriage. Now I like to think of myself as open-minded, but I just can’t bear to think what they’ll be getting up to with each other’s parties. They’re probably ‘touching base’ with each other, or whatever it’s called nowadays, even as I speak. It makes me physically sick. No, I really don’t want to think about it. Ugh.”

The flushed home secretary then went back to her office to think about it some more.

Meanwhile, Prime Minister David Cameron is expected to announce some policies what he wrote, after which his shoulders and cheeks will be slapped by Deputy PM Nick Clegg.