Britain And US ‘Not Ruling Out’ Invading Each Other

As the stakes rise inexorably in the battle of words over diverse international concerns ranging from persecution of citizens to securing oil supplies, British foreign secretary William Hague and his US counterpart Hillary Clinton are reported to be hastily drawing up contingency plans to invade and occupy each other’s sovereign nations.

“For too long, the international community has sat back complacently as the American people suffer daily at the hands of autocratic, self-serving regimes which are completely out of touch with the hopes and dreams of their own citizens,” warned Mr Hague. “Police brutality is deployed as a political weapon on the streets of major cities to stamp on any act of dissent, no matter how small, no matter how peaceful, and the prisons are full to capacity - yet the ruling elite cares only for enriching itself and its powerful supporters. We have learned to our cost that no country is safe from its threats of economic and military action. It is time for the UN to authorise the use of force, and who better to liberate the downtrodden American people than the British, whom they will surely welcome as liberating brothers?”

Hague and Clinton cordially exchanging threats

“For too long, the international community has sat back complacently as the British people suffer daily at the hands of autocratic, self-serving regimes which are completely out of touch with the hopes and dreams of their own citizens,” warned Mrs Clinton. “Police brutality is deployed as a political weapon on the streets of major cities to stamp on any act of dissent, no matter how small, no matter how peaceful, and the prisons are full to capacity - yet the ruling elite cares only for enriching itself and its powerful supporters. We have learned to our cost that no country is safe from its threats of economic and military action. It is time for the UN to authorise the use of force, and who better to liberate the downtrodden British people than the Americans, whom they will surely welcome as liberating brothers?”

The governments of Iran and Syria have lodged formal protests, however, observing that both Britain and the US also happen to be oil producers.

West Strangely Reluctant To Offer Military Support To ‘Russian Winter’ Democracy Movement

And Russian protesters are much hotter than Arabs

Despite the tempting attractions of Russia’s vast oil and gas reserves, say military experts, the United States and Britain are yet to lead NATO forces into Russia in a lightning assault to topple evil dictator Vladimir Putin’s hated regime.

As the ‘Russian Winter’ movement gathered in strength, with thousands attending rallies in cities from Moscow to the Urals to protest against the rigging of last Sunday’s elections, many were wondering whether NATO will begin its inevitable pro-democracy intervention by implementing a simple no-fly zone, or just roll across Russia’s borders in an overwhelming display of military might.

“We planned for this happy day for 45 years of the goddamn Cold War,” said retired USAF defence strategist General Buck Turgidson. “I can only assume that, after 20 years of piss-ant pacifism from those appeasing bastards on Capitol Hill, some Pentagon asshole must have misfiled them.”

“Aw, what the hell,” he added. “Let’s just get those birds in the air and see what happens.”