MoD Fails To Take Into Account Servicability Of Lifts In Council Tower Blocks

Put it in the park instead

Angry residents in Tower Hamlets have warned the Ministry of Defence that any surface-to-air missiles they try to install on the roofs of council apartment blocks for the duration of the Olympics will have to be carried up the stairs as the lifts aren’t working, and will almost certainly be nicked by those toerags on the fifth floor and sold for drugs.

“I don’t have any idea what the current street value of a Starstreak missile is,” said local resident Bob Wilcox, 81, “But I bet the local gangs would be delighted to point a couple at anyone else who tries dealing on their turf.”

An MoD spokesman assured residents that any High Velocity Missiles stationed on Tower Hamlets rooftops would be lowered into place by nice, quiet Chinook helicopters.

“Besides, the piss-laden stench of the stairwells would corrode the electronics something chronic,” he added. “Nobody wants our tracking systems to identify a sprinter as a rapid incoming threat, lock on and blow them sky high. Why, if they weren’t members of Team GB, we could be accused of cheating.”

Tube Drivers Helping Londoners Not To Spend Last Few Pounds

Don't do it

London Underground’s train drivers are desperately trying to persuade the capital’s population to keep that last pound or two of their overdraft facilities for a rainy day, by selflessly refusing to transport them to the sales.

“If you add up all the odd pounds that Londoners could be spending today, it adds up to millions,” explained ASLEF general secretary Mick Notwhelan. “These days, that’s a tidy sum. Our members reckon it would be prudent for London to hang onto it in case it's needed for something really important, such as paying them even more for the terrible chore of doing their jobs during the Olympics.”

Members of the public are not entirely convinced by the drivers’ cautionary plan, though.

“Want… bargain…” grunted optimistic consumers as they tried to push their Central Line tube train from Epping to Tottenham Court Road, driven by the unlikely conviction that iPads might be reduced to three for £1.99.

Phase 1 Of Boris' Vision Of London Rolled Out

Metropolitan Police Unveil New Crest After Sacking Officer Over Affair With Minister's Wife

Conspiracy Theorists Horrified As Seb Coe Accidentally Repeats The Philadelphia Experiment

Outraged conspiracy theorists solemnly warned Lord Coe today that his ill-advised attempt to make HMS Belfast - the historic WWII cruiser moored on the Thames – vanish into thin air may well have torn a rift in the fabric of space which will ultimately suck London, and ultimately all the matter in the universe, into a terrible inter-dimensional void where time and the laws of physics have no meaning.

HMS Belfast (probably)

“In 1943 the US Navy secretly embarked upon Project Rainbow, hoping to make their ships invisible to radar by applying Einstein’s mysteriously incomplete unified field theory,” explained an earnest man in a tinfoil hat. “The unintended result was that the USS Eldridge disappeared completely for several minutes, leaving a hull-shaped impression in the waters of the Philadelphia Naval Shipyard, before reappearing with half of its crew horribly merged into the very fabric of the ship and the rest stark raving bonkers. The entire population of Philadelphia saw this happen, but obviously they were all sworn to secrecy by Naval Intelligence. It’s not just on the internet, there’s a book about it so it must be true. Lord Coe must be insane to even contemplate repeating this foolhardy attempt to tamper with the space/time continuum.”

He added that it was surely no coincidence that the disappearance of HMS Belfast coincided exactly with asteroid 2005 YU55’s sudden lunge towards the earth.

So far today, however, visitors to HMS Belfast have reported no signs of any sailors sticking out of the deck or running around screaming - although several claim to have been approached by furtive tinfoil-clad men with cricket bats skulking behind hatches, asking whether they happened to have noticed a secret compartment full of valves.

A spokesman for London 2012 commented: “Er…whoops… there’s this thing called Photoshop …”

Metropolitan Police Looking Forward To Pot-A-Trot Week

Police will be inviting students to give them an excuse

London’s finest are said to be eagerly anticipating the long-awaited return of Pot-a-Trot Week, following the announcement that they will be issued with baton rounds for Wednesday’s student jamboree against tuition fees, cuts, inequality and other things that don’t concern them.

“We haven’t been able to give the public what for like this since the General Strike of 1926, so called because police officers were generally free to strike anyone who looked at them in a socialist manner,” commented a gleeful Commander Simon Pounding, in charge of the operation. “Happy days.”

“Pot-a-Trot week is about charity, looking out for people, being smartly dressed and giving a sporting something back to the community,” he added. “And when my lads see anyone sporting a silly haircut or dressed like an explosion in a charity shop, they’re all looking forward to giving them what for. And that’s going to smart.”

Disturbingly Low Number Of Rioters Were Law-Abiding Citizens, Says London’s Top Policeman

Acting Commissioner Tim Godwin of the Metropolitan Police today added his voice to concerns expressed by Kenneth Clarke and Boris Johnson about the disturbing proportion of riot-related crimes which turned out to have been committed by criminals.

“I think this is a wake-up call for the criminal justice system,” Mr Godwin told reporters. “In the name of the law, how can it be that only one in five of these criminal acts was perpetrated by fine, morally-upstanding citizens of impeccable character with no previous convictions?”

Reoffend now, you feral hoodie ruffians

Justice Secretary Kenneth Clarke has already gone on record to blame a “broken penal system” – not merely for flagrantly releasing convicted criminals from prison just because their sentences were served, but more fundamentally for commonly failing to execute them at the point of arrest. Boris Johnson swiftly agreed with him - adding that, based on his close observations from Canada, where he was on holiday at the time, he knew for certain that the initial police response to the riots had been flawless in every respect.

Giving his long-range evidence to the Home Affairs Select Committee, London’s clairvoyant mayor went on to say: “We need to ask as a society what is happening to these - these johnny-ne’er-do-wells after they have been jailed. How are we changing their lives so they don't come out again and go back to gangs, eh? Well, call me old-fashioned and what-have-you, but it seems to yours truly that only hanging has a ten-out-of-ten track record in this department, eh, chaps?”

“Or lobotomy!” he expostulated. “Might work. Keep the wet-blanket brigade happy. Why not give it a bash, eh, says old Boris!”

Boris Delighted With 245 Peaceful Arrests And A Peaceful Stabbing

The carnival is all about merry dances, like this one

London mayor Boris Johnson has praised the city and its denizens for showing the world the law-abiding, fun-loving side of the capital, as this year’s legendary Notting Hill Carnival ended with just 245 entirely peaceful arrests and only one non-fatal friendly stabbing.

“Cripes, I say, well done chaps!” spluttered Boris, tragically sporting a sequin-covered mankini. “The vibrant street-dancing of London’s dusky chaps and chapesses has completely restored the world’s confidence in our city as a veritable haven of peace and tranquility, as the 6,500 police officers who attended will readily confirm.”

“This sends out a clear message to the rioting yahoos of Tottenham, Croydon and what-have-you,” he declared proudly. “Namely - er - that if you’re planning to openly flout the law of the land, just make sure your ladyfriends are distracting the press johnnies by prancing down a nearby street with hardly any kit on.”

“Er – crikey - hold on a tick – er… whoops,” he added.

I’m Fine For TVs and Beer Thanks, Chaps, Says Boris

Chin up, chaps

Declining mounting calls to cut short his holiday and get back to the riot-torn city he governs, mayor Boris Johnson has sent a text message to Londoners in which he reassures them that, if it is all the same to them, he is adequately supplied with all the LCD television sets, laptops, trackies and booze he requires.

“Cripes, I say! Bit of a kerfuffle going on north of the river, judging from what I saw on BBC Worldwide this morning,” exclaimed the tousled Tory. “Jolly decent of you chaps to invite me to the jamboree, but, but here’s the thing, old Bojo’s not entirely what you’d call short of entertainments already. Friend Plod has my full support for it, er, whatever it is he’s doing about it. Carry on, there.”

Meanwhile, many of those who looted the Tottenham Hale branch of PC World in the small hours of Saturday morning have already returned to complain about the abundant shortcomings of the computers they stole, and promised themselves a raid on an Apple Store tonight instead.

Pentagon Keen To Know Whether Tottenham Has Oil

After last night’s popular uprising by the oppressed masses of Tottenham, top American generals are desperately trying to ascertain the existence of significant oil reserves in the smouldering North London borough.

The bus symbolises the dead hand of state repression (possibly)

“It’s too early to tell, at this stage, whether we should be supporting the Tottenham rebels by the interdiction of the government forces’ capacity to retaliate, or with a strategic injection of military deployment on the ground,” commented President Obama. “Certainly, after his recent ravings about the US economy, the toppling of David Cameron by his own downtrodden people would not be entirely unwelcome here in Washington.”

Optimistic rebel leaders in Tottenham, meanwhile, were keen to display a haul of fragrance oil sprays liberated from the hated Body Shop oppressors last night, along with a quantity of Johnson’s Baby Oil captured during the heroic assault on the reactionary citadel of Boots the Chemist.

“An’ there’s, like, loads more oils an’ shit stockpiled in Superdrug what we in’t even totched yet, right?” said a sweaty man in a balaclava. “So, Mister US President blud, what ‘bout your Apache gunships is like givin’ da pigs da shiz 4 real tonight, like, innit?”

Housing Charity Confirms Boris Johnson’s Fears of Impending Servant Shortage

The homelessness charity Shelter today confirmed that London mayor Boris Johnson was right to express his concern that the government’s proposed cap on housing benefits would price the servant class out of the city, saying that research by Cambridge University clearly indicated that the majority of two-bedroom homes in Greater London would be priced beyond the reach of claimants.

“Without a pool of available labour on hand in the capital, Mr Johnson and his fellow Tory millionaires will be forced to club together to pay the costs of bussing their cleaners, drivers, valets and chimney sweeps down from the North of England and back every day,” said chief executive Campbell Robb.

“Of course, the comparatively minor shared expense of a few dozen minibuses might not lose them a great deal of sleep,” he added, “But perhaps they should ask themselves if they really want to place their lives and fragile, priceless household knick-knacks in the hands of a group of incomprehensible Northerners, who will be in a permanent semi-torpid state due to the daily rigours of a ten-hour round trip.”

PM David Cameron, however, remains unmoved - suggesting that he and other Tory grandees would be well-placed to mount an inexpensive bid for the athletes’ village currently under construction in the East End, once the London Olympics were over.

Hot-bunking should fit up to twelve skivvies into each hutch, says Cameron

“Owing to their strange lack of ensuite kitchen facilities, these accommodations are completely unviable for commercial letting purposes,” he pointed out. “On the other hand, this omission makes them perfect – and, of course, reassuringly cheap - barracks accommodation for our army of skivvies.”

Londoners Aghast At Having To Use Bus, Car or Walk Like Everyone Else

Jeremy Paxman may well die here if somebody doesn't rescue him

The world officially came to an end at 5pm today, as a Tube strike cruelly forced people who work in the media and other Londoners to use the same modes of transport as the rest of the country.

“I’ve just walked two sodding miles out of my way to North Finchley bus station,” a puce-faced sub-editor from the Guardian roared at a hapless Metrolink driver. “No bugger saw fit to inform me that I could get on at that funny stick thing just round the corner from my house. Why isn’t this kind of essential information available to the travelling public? Oh, you are so going to get shit for this in tomorrow’s edition, my friend.”

Similar tales of misery were being repeated all over the capital, as bolshie bus drivers not only flatly refused to take credit cards, but even had the sneering impudence to ask if passengers had anything smaller than a £20 note.

Meanwhile, Newsnight presenter Jeremy Paxman has officially been reported as missing. He is believed to be trapped on a circling bus because of a tragic inability to say ‘excuse me’ to standing passengers blocking his exit.

Londoners Now 'At Shocking Levels'

London is now crammed so full of horrible, selfish bastards that non-Londoners often have to psych themselves up to travel there, according to a report published today.

"I got on the Tube this morning, and I was outraged to find other people in MY carriage," bellowed an insufferable shit from Islington, as he beat a ticket inspector senseless with a rolled-up copy of the Financial Times. "How DARE they?"

The report's authors found that many awful Londoners have developed strategies for making travel on the Underground as hellish as possible - including staring aggressively at the nearest passenger whilst rubbing their genitals, violently swinging a carrier bag containing a jagged sheet of armour plate, and spraying their armpits with stale urine.

The government also waded into the debate, pointing out that the influx of millions of foreign tourists for the 2012 Olympics should make life in London so unimaginably appalling that spending eternity in the fires of Hell would seem like a stroll in the Cotswolds.

A Transport for London spokesman said the organisation was spending billions of pounds on upgrading the network, replacing trains with approximately a quarter of a million single-seat 'Tube taxis' which can be hailed and ordered to go anywhere on the network, causing instant traffic chaos on the lines and bringing London to a standstill in seconds.

"Happy now?" he demanded. "Of course you aren't. Because you're Londoners."

Rest of Britain Feels London's Pain

The millions of provincial Britons too dull and uninteresting to live in London were moved to tears by the unimaginable suffering of the capital's residents on this, the second day of the devastating Tube strike.

"Oi got no idear wot a choob be, but oi'm sure oi cuddent servoive a minute wi'out wun," said Mr Wurzel McSpreader, a bumptious legal executive from quaint, rustic Birmingham. "Oi sorr all they bootiful Lunnen fowks on the goggle-box down Currys when I brung me pig ter maarket. Them porr buggas wuz orl sobbin' an' wailin' at a bus stop, and me 'aart furr wen' owt to they."

London's fabulous citizens have been advised to plan their journeys and to allow extra time for travel by alternative means. Mayor Boris Johnson, meanwhile, claims to have discovered something called 'feet', which he believes could be used to travel for short distances, especially in Central London. Haggard Londoners, however, reacted to the suggestion with fury.

"See these?" screamed one hysterical traveller, pointing at her shoes. "They're Manolo Blahniks, damn you. I didn't spend £800 so they could be torn to shreds on these ugly, rough pavements. If Boris bloody Johnson wants me to walk, he can jolly well spend a bit of my council tax on carpeting South Kensington."

Shocked by such hardships, straw-sucking bumpkins from the sticks have been moved to organise fund-raising events, hoping to buy a horse and cart to send to the aid of their betters before they die of apoplexy, inconvenience and despair.

"Oi be orkshunnin' moi proize turnip, see?" said Mr Denzil Cesspit, from the sleepy hamlet of Manchester. "Rowl opp, rowl opp, oo'll gimme a groat fer this 'ere luvverly swede 'ere to 'elp they faancy buggers daarn sowf? C'maarn me luvvers, 'ave a 'arrt!"

Banned On The Run

The London Marathon has been detained by riot police, who have once more unleashed their controversial 'kettling' tactics against the 35,000 runners. The entire field is reported to be confined in a hundred-metre section of the Embankment.

"A large body of people, representing a variety of dubious causes, was running in a disorderly fashion in the direction of the Houses of Parliament," Metropolitan Police Commissioner Sir Paul Jong-Stephenson told a hastily-convened press conference. "Obviously these people are highly organised, and have been disrupting traffic all over London. We also have reason to believe that they were intending to mount a mass charge in the direction of Buckingham Palace itself."

"Some of the participants are well-known to us, thanks to top-notch intelligence work," he revealed. "For instance, the notorious Paula Radcliffe has a history of urinating in public places and, in an operation carefully planned by Bob Slow prior to his tragic decision to spend more time with his pension, an undercover officer took her out before the event with a well-aimed truncheon blow to the toe."

"We have also observed several likely terrorists attempting to disguise their identities," added Sir Paul. "Let me assure the British public that capturing the Mr Men, Spongebob Squarepants and a large rubber chicken is our top priority."

The press conference then broke up in confusion, as specially-trained riot teams moved in to arrest everybody with a camera for the crime of photographing a police officer.

Record Shitstorms Engulf London

Britain completely ceased to function today, as the worst shitstorm in the world, ever, buried London and the home counties under an impassable carpet of brown.

Trains, buses, aircraft, cars, mobility scooters and unicycles foolhardy enough to attempt any kind of journey skidded uncontrollably into mangled heaps of twisted metal, condemning their hapless users to a lingering death involving frostbite, polar bears and cannibalism.

At a deserted Broadcasting House, only brave breakfast TV presenters Bill Bloke, Token Bird and a nerd from Radio 5 in a borrowed suit managed to struggle into a studio, and spent the day wrapped in blankets and interviewing each other, telling the shit-bound nation to put its affairs in order and accept its awful fate, and repeating the same clip of some arse in a Merc SLK ordering the shivering proles of central London to push his slithering posemobile to Richmond.

Councils across the important part of the country said they had tried their hardest to clear the shitdrifts from the roads, but their entire annual budgets had been used up in the first 5 picoseconds of the shite-out.

Train and tube operators apologised for the widespread delays and cancellations - pointing out that, since privatisation, there were now only four shitplough-equipped engines in Britain, which would remain stuck in Scotland until legal experts could decide which of the 100-plus rail-industry companies was actually responsible for them.

Firms in the City rang their valued professional staff and told them not to put themselves to any inconvenience by trying to get to work, then warned their minimum-wage cleaners that if they weren’t in by nine at the latest, they would be sent back to the agency and replaced by Poles who were used to this kind of thing.

“And their pay will be docked for every minute they miss, too,” added HR consultant Penelope Pincher, speaking from her cosy home office in the shitty wastes of Greenwich.

Meanwhile, the sub-class of primitive Britons who live north of Watford scratched their hoary heads and got on with eking out their miserable lives, as they do whenever the weather is shit.

“Since half of these soft southern pansies are so bloody proud of their great big 4x4s, why don’t they just give a lift to their neighbours who bought huge people carriers instead?” said one bemused Lancashire caveman with a shovel.

Speaking from cold but sunny Exeter, a Met Office spokesman forecast more shit spreading out from the south-east for the next few days.

Cheap Spectacles For London

The organising committee responsible for Britain’s 2012 Olympic Games is playing down expectations of the opening ceremony in London, after witnessing China’s extravagant, £20bn spectacle on Friday.

“I think the Beijing Games could end up being unique,” said Paul Deighton, the committee’s chief executive. “Their ceremonial burning of a 200-foot high pile of money may never be bettered, unfortunately – certainly it looks like, by 2012, the whole of Britain won’t be worth £20bn. We’ll have to be extravagantly wasteful in a cheaper way. We’re setting up a feasibility study to look into an endangered species theme – mountain gorillas, maybe, or pandas. I quite like the panda option myself - it links nicely back to China, doesn’t it? We could round up every surviving member of the species and make them all dance round the stadium for the entertainment of the crowd - and the estimated four billion viewers watching on television - before beheading them all on a giant guillotine and selling their severed heads as souvenirs of the first public extinction in history. Now that would be something to tell your grandchildren about in years to come, wouldn’t it?”

Sugar Is Sweeter

Sir Alan Sugar is reported to be under consideration as Labour’s candidate for the 2012 London mayoral elections, according to some newspapers. The Amstrad chairman said the first he knew of it was when he was contacted by one of the papers, but has not ruled out the possibility.

“I believe in sticking to what you know,” he said. “I’m just an abrasive, ignorant bully who never smiles and who treats people with disrespect and contempt. My name is synonymous with taking other people’s ideas and turning out third-rate imitations. Why would the Labour Party see me as a potential leader?”

Ken Puts It In, Out, Shakes It All About

Londoners are still reeling about in shock today, following the earth-shattering revelation that Ken Livingstone has five children from three different partners.

Observers say that the bombshell spells certain political death for the mayor’s re-election chances. His close advisors are said to be urging him to either retire to a monastery on some small remote island and live a humble life of sorrowful penitence, or do the decent thing and throw himself off a tall building.

“Ken has broken all of the rules of a decent society,” said a visibly-shaken man in the street. “He has shown himself to be a feckless breeder, like the feral scum from the sink estates. OK, so Boris will go for anything posh in a skirt - but at least he has the decency to look a bit sheepish about it when it all comes out in the papers.”

On the other hand, one feral scum from a sink estate with whom we managed to establish a rudimentary form of communication said: “Nice one mate! I didn’t fink the little twerp ‘ad it in ‘im - let alone in anyone else. ‘E’s King Ken of the Chav People, that’s wot ‘e is! ‘E’s got my vote, or ‘e would ‘ave if I’d bovvered to register - ‘course, I’m tryin’ to dodge the council tax, innit? I bet ‘e’s rakin’ it in on the child benefit. Standard.”

Porsche Claim Is A Bit Rich

Luxury car-maker Porsche has launched a high court bid to halt Ken Livingstone’s plans to impose a tax on high-emission cars entering central London.

Under the plans – which will be scrapped anyway, if the Conservatives win May’s mayoral election – owners of high-performance sports cars (such as Porsches) and big SUVs (such as Porsches) will face a daily charge of £25 from October.

Porsche Cars GB’s long-nosed managing director, Andy Goss, said that the case was “about protecting London and Londoners from a new tax that will not only fail to reduce carbon dioxide emissions in central London, but also increase congestion and damage air quality."

Mr Goss declined to say quite how charging the extremely rich for the privilege of continuing to crawl around the City in their fume-belching toys would make congestion and pollution worse than it already is. Experts fear they might decide that, since the charge is fixed at £25 regardless of vehicle size or damage to the environment, they may as well go for bust and trade their Porsches for something even bigger, perhaps with multiple jet or rocket engines.

"Porsche should be using its engineering expertise to create low polluting cars,” said an unrepentant Ken Livingstone. “But maybe their market research suggests that their customers are selfish, status-obsessed scumbags who laugh at the menial pedestrians choking on their pollution.”

Porsche, however, pointed out that they are very concerned about the environment, which is why they have not - so far, at least - tooled up for mass-production of their founder’s 1945 blueprints for a 100-ton Nazi super-tank.