Ross Kemp, Alex Reid, Danny Dyer and Vinnie Jones Safely Evacuated To Malta

Ross Kemp's identity is covered by the Official Secrets Act

Britain’s hardest men have been successfully rescued from Libya after their abortive diplomatic mission to the rebel forces, confirmed foreign secretary William Hague today.

The crack squad, led by heroic Lt. Ross Kemp, was ignominiously taken prisoner by Libyan rebels after being dropped head-first out of the back of a Hercules.

“With the benefit of hindsight, maybe our forces would have been able to meet up with the right people if they hadn’t been driven into the hard Libyan soil like angry nails,” opined Mr Hague, “But Lt. Kemp and his men made an operational decision after they all agreed that parachutes were gay.”

Details are scarce, but Libyan sources claim that Lt Kemp, Sgt. Reid and Trooper Dyer were escorting tough-talking diplomat Jones on a trade mission to make the rebels an offer they couldn’t refuse, namely a BOGOF deal on anti-tank missiles.

“Alex Reid’s legs would have been flailing uselessly as he struggled to kickbox his head and shoulders out of the stony ground of North Africa,” said an unnamed military source, “And plucky little Danny Dyer would have been vainly trying to chew himself free, much as he chews the English language into submission. Meanwhile, Lt Kemp would have probably been slowly working himself free with the aid of his terrible prehensile eyes.”

The embarrassing failure of Britain’s legendary black ops unit contrasts sharply with its previous successes, notably the successful storming of the Iranian embassy in 1979 by Lewis Collins and Martin Shaw.