Soldiers Too Busy Fighting To Demonstrate Military Prowess, Complains Infantry Chief

Tragically, the SAS aggressometer is only accurate within 25m

The head of Britain’s infantry forces, Brigadier Alistair Lethbridge-Stewart, has warned that SAS recruitment is at an all-time low, with the nation’s soldiers spending so much time in combat against Afghan rebel forces that nobody is able to assess their fighting capabilities.

“How can we possibly measure our chaps’ fitness, teamwork, fighting spirit and grasp of tactics when they’re always in the middle of a firefight with some bloody towelheads who have just ambushed their convoy?” complained the Brigadier, in a leaked outburst. “It’s damned inconvenient.”

“Yes, I don’t mind if I do have another brandy, thank you, steward,” he added.

Military experts at Sandhurst warn that, if not addressed, the crisis in special forces recruitment could one day lead to a serious shortage of ex-squaddies propping up bars and aggressively warning complete strangers that they could kill them so stealthily they wouldn’t even know they were dead.