|Tragically, the SAS aggressometer is only accurate within 25m|
“How can we possibly measure our chaps’ fitness, teamwork, fighting spirit and grasp of tactics when they’re always in the middle of a firefight with some bloody towelheads who have just ambushed their convoy?” complained the Brigadier, in a leaked outburst. “It’s damned inconvenient.”
“Yes, I don’t mind if I do have another brandy, thank you, steward,” he added.
Military experts at Sandhurst warn that, if not addressed, the crisis in special forces recruitment could one day lead to a serious shortage of ex-squaddies propping up bars and aggressively warning complete strangers that they could kill them so stealthily they wouldn’t even know they were dead.