Ex-Army Chief Throws Inadequately-Funded Toys Out Of Pram

The Taleban wouldn't have liked this up 'em

The former Conservative head of the army, General Richard Dammit, today fired an ineffectual broadside from a rusty popgun at Tony Blair and Gordon Brown – accusing the pair of cynically underfunding Britain’s armed forces despite sending them to fight two foreign wars.

In his book ‘Leading From The Right’, Gen Dammit accuses Gordon Brown of “malign intervention” by refusing to fund sun cannon, crater guns and flybots for the armed forces, and claims Tony Blair “lacked the moral courage to impose his will on his own chancellor.”

“Thanks to those communist CND hippies, for the first time in its illustrious history the British army went into battle without every single item on its fantasy wish list,” he huffed from his camouflaged pram.

The retired general contrasted the Labour government’s parsimonious attitude with previous military operations like the Battle of France, in which the Germans were swiftly overwhelmed by grav tanks armed with multi-lens pulse lasers and orbital-drop troops equipped with power armour and man-portable fusion guns, bringing the Second World War to a swift end in 1940.

This crap is all that Gordon Brown would pay for

“The general staff knew all about winning in Afghanistan, from three previous victories back in the days of empire,” continued the red-faced general. “A devastating frightfulness-and-wonder assault with tacnukes by Queen’s Own G-carrier Division, followed up with the elite 14th Psionic Shock-Lancers’ mopping-up operation soon sorted out Akbar Khan and his fractious tribesmen.”

“Yet even such steampunk technology was callously turned down by those peacenik trots in Downing Street,” snorted Gen Dammit over a stiff G&T. “Instead, brave Tommy Atkins was sent into battle with nothing more than a recoilless rifle and a moped. Vote Conservative.”