Beleaguered British troops in Afghanistan's turbulent Helmand province wept tears of joy today, when prime minister Gordon Brown arrived in their midst for an surprise photo-opportunity.
"Hullo, boys!" grimaced a scantily-clad Mr Brown, crossing and uncrossing his stockinged legs whilst riding round the camp on the bonnet of a Land Rover. "I know just how much you love my morale-boosting visits, so I thought I'd give you something special this time!"
After seductively flashing his man-boobs at the stunned soldiers, the Prime Minister dismounted and ducked coyly into a tent, urging them to "form an orderly queue!"
Back in the UK, Lord Mandelson called a press conference to explain that the idea for the visit had come from the prime minister himself.
"Gordon has spent his holidays out of the public eye, marooned on an unihabited, rain-swept isle in the Hebrides," explained Lord Mandelson. "He has had a lot of time to reflect on all the blessings that have come his way since becoming PM, and on his inspired leadership. When the prevailing wind finally changed, enabling him to sail an improvised raft back to civilisation, Gordon's first thought was for the troops who love him so dearly - as he explained in great detail to a small yapping dog that was running up and down the shore. That dog is now Britain's ambassador to the Animal Kingdom."
"I think I can safely say that all of Britain's recent woes will soon be over," he added, smiling enigmatically.
Meanwhile, the enthusiastic troops in Afghanistan carried their naked, proud Prime Minister at shoulder height across the camp, strapped a parachute to his back and whisked him off in a Chinook helicopter for a closer look at some of the Taliban strongholds they are struggling to quell.
"We've put him right by the door so he can get a clear view," said a sergeant on his third tour of duty in the Middle East. "Several of my longest-serving colleagues are right behind him, with their shiniest boots on. They've been involved in several big pushes in the past, so they know exactly what to do when the occasion arises. Let's hope Mr Brown keeps a firm grip on the safety harness we've rigged up for him out of bits of string and old newspaper. It really would be a terrible tragedy if he were to unaccountably slip and fall out of the helicopter from a height of, say, a thousand feet whilst passing over a known hotbed of Taleban activity, miles beyond all hope of rescue."
The sergeant was interrupted by the sound of cheering from the radio tent, no doubt occasioned by Mr Brown's sudden, unscheduled drop-in visit to the warzone.
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