MoD Unveils Reassuringly Expensive McLaren-Designed Alternative To Buying Back 55-Year-Old Humber Pig

Proud defence chiefs smiled indulgently today as they proudly revealed the brand-new £500,000 Sex Potto, the long-awaited replacement for the much-criticised Snatch Land Rover.

For a measly three grand you deffo won't get an iPod dock

“The McLaren-engineered Sex Potto fought off stiff competition from the Jaguar Fanny Magnet, the Massey-Ferguson Quim Tractor and Ferrari’s Sucky-Fucky Gibbon,” beamed Captain James May of the Royal Off-Road Corps. “You see, old boy, the clever trick was to make the underbody V-shaped - blast goes sideways, not straight up your arse. Dashed clever, these boy-racer johnnies, what?”

“Of course, every crank came out of the woodwork as usual when we were scouting for new toys,” he snorted derisively. “We even got a letter from a batty old retired sergeant-major, suggesting that if the old Humber Pig’s armoured floor was IRA pipebomb-proof, it just might be towel-head improvised explosive device-proof too. Pshaw!”

“I ask you,” he slurred, spilling a triple G&T down his combat fatigues, “Would the great British Sun-reading public be satisfied to see their beloved soldier boys rattling around in a cranky old grid we flogged to Idi Amin donkey’s years ago, that we bagged on eBay for three grand including postage and packing? I rather think not! Only the best, what?”

“We did think about taking out a licence to put the trusty old Sd.Kfz.222 back into production, actually,” he added. “But then Buffy fforbes-Hamilton pointed out that pootling round the Middle East in Nazi armoured cars might not quite match the media profile we’re striving to promote.”

This Sex Potto is halfway to becoming a god knows what

Captain May also stressed that the Sex Potto was especially easy to take apart and put back together again in a variety of imaginative configurations, vitally giving bored British troops something to do whilst twiddling their thumbs, stuck inside a dismal compound in the dusty Afghan hinterland. Royal Engineers have already drawn instructions for a speedboat, a tipper truck and an Andrew Lloyd Webber bionicle.

Finally, to round off the launch party, Formula 1 maestro Lewis Hamilton took the wheel to demonstrate the Sex Potto’s agile handling to the press - who luckily scuttled out of the way in time when it fell over reversing out of the garage.