British soldiers who have served in the front lines of Iraq and Afghanistan have developed an immunity to Post Traumatic Stress Disorder by drinking themselves into a stupor for the rest of their lives, according to exciting new research for the MoD carried out by researchers at King’s College London.
The survey of 10,000 personnel - published in the Lancet - found that, despite almost a decade of armed conflict, only 4% of UK personnel suffered from horrifying flashbacks, recurrent nightmares and crippling depression, compared to US rates as high as 15%.
“It looks like our troops have stumbled upon a natural antidote to stress previously overlooked by psychiatry,” commented research team leader Dr Nicola Fear. “Ten or twelve cans of Carlsberg a day seems to do the trick.”
“Hic,” added co-leader Professor Simon Wobbely.
“Post Stramotic Dress Distemper is for girly boys, like the US Marines,” said expert army limb-chopper Brigadier Mark Dee-Tremens of the RAMC. “I preshcribe my lucky lads a six-pack of cooking lager every morning, - chin chin, old boy - and another in the evening to be taken before lightsh out.”
“And a litre or two of wine for the ladies,” he continued as he slid down behind his desk.
Military mental health experts say they are confident that becoming mumbling, glassy-eyed alcoholics will present no hindrance to soldiers seeking to integrate themselves back into civilian life once they leave the services, as the general population has been drinking itself stupid for years to cope with the mind-blasting awfulness of trudging through the tragic futility of their insignificant existence in the 21st century.
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