Obama Reassures Cameron: ‘Sure, You’re Special’

Spot the prime minister

Panting with anticipation, prime minister David Cameron has arrived in the United States to receive from President Obama the reassurance he craves that he – and by extension, the whole of the UK – is ‘special’.

Wagging his little vestigial tail with delight, Mr Cameron proudly took up his customary position at Barack Obama’s heel at the press call, and yapped with glee when the president threw him a biscuit and called him his ‘special’ friend.

The highlight of Mr Cameron’s stay with the master to whom he is devoted will come when, after being flown all the way to Ohio in the pets’ hold of Air Force One as a treat, he will be invited to perform tricks in front of an admiring audience.

“It’s so cute when David leaps up to catch my basketball in his little mouth,” smiled Mr Obama, as he absent-mindedly scratched his faithful puppy’s nodding head. “He doesn’t care how much it hurts, he just rolls over every time and begs for more. David’s a bit special, but we love him anyway. He’s our dumb, loyal friend who just keeps on giving.”

“Get off my leg, mutt,” he added.

Rick Astley To Resolve US Budget Deadlock

As the standoff between President Barack Obama and Republicans in the House of Representatives drags the United States inexorably closer to running out of cash to pay its bills, White House experts have invited lovable British pop veteran Rick Astley to apply his vocal talents to breaking the deadlock before the August 2 deadline.

“Ooh ooh,” commented Astley, 45, wasting no time in calling the warring factions together. “We're no strangers to love. You know the rules and so do I. A full commitment's what I'm thinking of. You wouldn't get this from any other guy. I just wanna tell you how I'm feeling
Gotta make you understand.”

Indeed

House speaker John Boehnkers was clearly moved as 80s sensation Astley faithfully guaranteed never to give him up, let him down, run around, desert him, make him cry, tell a lie or hurt him. Turning to the president, Mr Astley went on: “We've known each other for so long. Your heart's been aching, but you're too shy to say it. Inside we both know what's been going on. We know the game and we're gonna play it.”

“And if you ask me how I'm feeling,” he added sagely, before making the same pledge to Mr Obama, “Don't tell me you're too blind to see.”

International credit rating agencies, meanwhile, stepped up efforts to ship giant ‘Closing Down - Everything Must Go!” billboards into the Washington area, ready for posting in front of federal buildings next Tuesday morning.

Barack Obama: Live At Westminster Hall

It's the way he tells 'em!

That Hilarious Comedy Routine In Full

“My Lord Chancellor, Mr Speaker, Mr Prime Minister, my Lords, and Members of the House of Commons: Hi there Parliament, howya doin’?”

(Five-minute standing ovation)

“The Pope, Queen Elizabeth Two, Nelson Mandela and the President of the United States walk into a bar! Pope orders a double vodka - he gets served! Queen asks for a whajjacallit, pinta? – she gets served! Nelson ‘Mr Picky’ Mandela wants a Stellenbosch dry white wine – barman even finds that for him! President Yours Truly asks for a Bud – lousy barkeep says, ‘Sorry, pal - I gotta see proof of ID!’ Woo! Alright!”

(MPs rolling in aisles, lords a-leaping, Tony Blair and Gordon Brown slapping each other on back, etc.)

“Ya bin a grade audience… er – “ (checks iPhone schedule app) “ – Lunnon! See ya soon! Say - which goddam way is France?”

(Rapturous applause lasting until tomorrow)

Obama To Prove Nationality By Claiming USA Invented Everything And Calling All Foreigners ‘Cocksucking Fags’

As American as Jesus Christ himself, you limey kraut faggots

As mischief-makers led by Donald Trump – undaunted by any documentary evidence - doggedly continue to claim that Barack Obama is African, the president is to take the unusual step of posting comments on every single YouTube clip to the effect that everything that has ever been invented from cave-painting onwards is the sole product of all-American genius.

He will further demonstrate his true American heritage by calling anyone who dares to query his observations “a goddamm limey cocksuking FAG”, telling them to get over the War of Independence and inviting them to “burn in HELL” before reminding them of their love of the cock in their “ASS”.

He will then clinch his legitimacy as a citizen of the USA beyond a shadow of a doubt by explaining, “i naled yr mutha FAGOT & she beg 4 mor”, finally signing off with a final witticism on the diverse nature of human sexuality before discovering a clip of a 4WD pickup with unfeasibly large tyres driving over a row of Toyotas and staring at it over and over, whooping and punching the air repeatedly, for the rest of the day.

Cameron Seeks To Pull Troops Out Of Hat Before General Election

Prime minister David Cameron is meeting President Obama today, to politely ask if he could have his army back just in time for a general election.

The Conservative leader said he wanted to pull British troops out of a hat by 2015 at the latest, but added that he preferred not to “deal in too strict timetables”.

“Naturally the PM will be looking to pull our long-suffering boys and girls out of the coalition when the time is right for a ten per cent boost in the opinion polls,” commented Richard Holmes, a veteran armchair general of two War Walks. “However, it all rather depends on if and when the Lib Dems decide to pull their long-suffering boys and girls out of their coalition.”

Seasoned observers point to the ever-rising toll of Liberal Democrat casualties – 2 to date – and increasing scepticism among the general public about the point of the coalition.

“Whenever hostilities break out, the casualties are always worst in the ranks of the Lib Dems,” said Mr Holmes. “Nobody doubts the professionalism of this small but important body of MPs - but how much longer can they sustain such a high level of collateral damage to their credibility?”

“It’s already hit recruiting,” he added.

McChrystal’s Downfall

SCENE 2010 INT. THE WHITE BUNKER, WASHINGTON. THE OVAL OFFICE.

A woman’s finger hovers over a newspaper on a desk.

HILLARY CLINTON

(wearing black jacket and jaunty bowler hat with black fishnet stockings)

The enemy has made a breakthrough along the media front, Mr President. In Middle England they managed to slip an op-ed piece into the Independent openly calling for the phased withdrawal of British troops within a set time-frame, and they’re advancing steadily towards the Daily Express.

CUT TO C/S. CLINTON.

The British are talking about complete withdrawal from the theatre of operations within twelve months. And the Dutch are already packing their bags.

CUT TO

OBAMA

(Bruno Ganz – for it is he, wearing black-and white minstrel make-up, white top hat and tails - waves silk-gloved hands theatrically)

Mammy! Mah fren’ Gen’l McChrystal’s PR skills gon’ bring it aaaall undah control - yassum, marm, doan’ you worry yo’ purty li’l head none.

(FX: ripple of laughter.)

CUT TO M/S. Cabinet members exchange uneasy glances.
CUT TO

CLINTON

Mr President… General McChrystal…

CUT TO

GEN. PETRAEUS

SIR! Stanley McChrystal has been cheerfully slagging you and your administration off to a long-haired peacenik reporter, SIR! He wasn’t able to hold on to his tongue, SIR!

CUT TO M/S. Cabinet. Uncomfortable pause.
CUT TO C/S. OBAMA rolls eyes furiously as he smoothly removes his top hat, rolls it down his arm to his silver-tipped cane, from which he deftly throws it onto a hat-rack in the corner.

OBAMA

De foll’win’ peoples gwin’ stay awhile: Mistah Biden, Missy Clinton, Lil’ Bobby Gates an’ Gen’ral Petraeus. As fo’ de res’ - backta de plantation, y’all heah?
CUT TO M/S. Cabinet.

(Uncomfortable pause as a dozen minor cabinet members shuffle out. FX: Taped audience ‘Aaaaah’s)

CUT TO

OBAMA

(Striding up and down office, twirling cane)

Dat was an awdah! DAT FELLAH McCHRYSTAL, HE HOLDIN’ HIS TONGUE WAS AN AWDAH!!! Who’d’ya think y’all am ta dis’bey an awdah dat ah done gived ya? Laaaoowd a’mercy!

(falls to knees in spotlight, arms outstretched)

Scene 2010A INT CORRIDOR o/s OVAL OFFICE. M/S. Uncomfortable crowd of spinmeisters, policy wonks and cabinet members.)
CUT TO
SCENE 2010B INT OVAL OFFICE.

OBAMA

(turns to left, sings)

Am dis what it come to, eh? ‘Bamah, ‘Bamah!

PAN across faces as CLINTON starts to cry.

OBAMA

(turns to right)

De pressman, he bin mos’ unkin’ ta po’ lil’ ‘Bamah dey!

(FX: taped applause.)

Waal, hush mah mouth if’n ev’body ain’t havin’ a pop at yaz truleh - ev’n massah Jon Stewart on de Daily Show!

(staggers to his feet, palms outspread)

An’ de Fox News Channel, dey’s jes’ de bunch’a low-down, disloyal heathens!

(FX: canned laughter.)

GATES

Mr President, I cannot allow you to insult Fox’s trusty Glenn Beck, America’s oracle of truth!

(FX: uproarious laughter.)

OBAMA

DEY COWARDS, TRAITORS AN’ FAILURES!!

CUT TO

GATES

Mr President, this is outrageous!

CUT TO

OBAMA

De media am de scum o’ de ‘Mer’can people!

(throws papers over shoulder)

Not de shred ob honour! Dem call deyselves journalists. Years at de PBS local news channels, jes’ to learn to read de autocue and keep de deadpan face!

CUT TO M/S. Inner cabinet.
CUT TO
SCENE 2010C INT CORRIDOR o/s OVAL OFFICE. SLOW PAN across worried faces.

OBAMA

(off-camera, muffled)

For months de media dey hinder mah plans!! Lawd, dey put ev’ kinda obstacle…

CUT TO
SCENE 2010D INT OVAL OFFICE. OBAMA raps desk with cane.

… in mah way!

(drops onto one knee, raised outstretched palm to ceiling)

Lawks an’ lawdy! What ah shoulda oughta done, ah oughta done sucked up to massah Rupert Murdoch, liken as ol’ Mistah Bush done did!

(waves angrily at cabinet, sits down)

Me, ah nevah done paid much attention to de loony right-wing press. Yet ah have risen - Lawd, AH HAVE RISEN - to the presidency all bah mahself! Hallelujah!

CUT TO M/S. CLINTON.

(Uncomfortable pause.)

CUT TO M/S. BIDEN.

Traitors!

CUT TO M/S. OBAMA.

Man oh man, ah done been betrayed an’ deceived from de verah beginnin’!

CUT TO M/S. Inner cabinet.

What de monstrous betrayal o’ de ‘Mer’can pres’dent! But Lawd, dat traitor General McChrystal he gwine PAY!

M/S OBAMA.

Ah done gonna reassign him down ‘Weezyanna way! HE GWINE DROWN HISSEL’ WAY DOWN YONDER IN DE ROLLIN’ BRITISH OIL!!

CUT TO
SCENE 2010E INT CORRIDOR o/s OVAL OFFICE. C/S DAVID CAMERON, crying, and NICK CLEGG.

CLEGG

Gosh, Dave - I say - do calm yourself, old chap.

(FX: canned laughter.)

CUT TO
SCENE 2010D INT OVAL OFFICE. M/S Inner cabinet. Uncomfortable pause.

OBAMA

Mah awdahs done fall on deaf ears.

C/S. OBAMA, down on one knee and shaking head resignedly.

Under dese circumstances, Lawd, ah ain’t no longer able ta lead de way ta de promis’ land… it over.

CUT TO M/S. CLINTON, uncomfortably looking around at inner cabinet members.
CUT TO M/S. BIDEN, ditto.
CUT TO M/S. PETRAEUS and GATES, ditto.

De time fo’ change… am lost.

CUT TO M/S. BIDEN, nervously adjusting cufflinks.
CUT TO M/S. wide-eyed, bootblack-faced OBAMA, springing to his feet and pointing cane into distance.

But laydeez an’ ge’lmen! If you believe dat ah gwine leave Afghanistan, you am se’sly mistaken! Gen’l Petraeus, suh, you go do what you likes bes’ – you go an’ blow sum’ dey towelhead brains out!

Enter chorus line of high-kicking soldiers, raising OBAMA shoulder-high and carrying him off to huge taped applause, as HILLARY CLINTON breaks into show-stopping international song-and-dance routine.

President Washington Reassures PM Over ‘Anti-British’ Claims

In a frank transatlantic phone chat, US President Barack Washington has diplomatically reassured David Cameron the Younger that he fully acknowledges that the British Army defeated in the War of Independence was, in fact, a multinational organisation.

The president was responding to claims that a stridently anti-British tone has entered the Stateside coverage of the 18th-century incident.

“I have the Honour to report that Nothing could be farther from The Truth, my wonky-toothed Friend,” promised Mr Washington. “Although the British Army’s cognomen clearly hath ƒome diƒtant origin in times long past, the Record clearly ƒhows it to have been Chock Full of Heƒsian Mercenaries at the time of the incident; and what is more, Mr Camelot, it is plain for all to see that it was only following the Ordinances of your German King.”

“Moreover, I will venture to say that the modern British Army hath completely ƒhed its narrow literal Connotations, and now positively burƒteth at the seams with Gurkha-men, Fiji-ans, Jamaic-ans and what-have-you; ƒince the few Britons who are not too Podgesome to waddle through the doorway of the recruiting-ƒerjeant’s office do fail the Requisites of Entry becauƒs they cannot complete a Five League March without ducking into every wayƒide inn they encounter for Beer and fiƒticuffs.”

“Hey; no offence, Mr Canelloni, you chinleƒs Limey fag,” he added soothingly.

Brown Strangely Unwilling To Slavishly Follow America For Once

Prime minister Gordon Brown has bravely shown that he is nobody's poodle, by steadfastly refusing to meekly fall in line with US government policy on punitive taxation of the banking sector and aid to earthquake-hit Haiti.

Mr Brown issued a deliberate snub to Washington today, by pointedly refusing to mirror President Obama's promise to Wall Street that it would be hit with punitive taxation until US citizens received back every last cent of the $430bn ploughed into the Troubled Asset Relief Program.

Instead, the PM reiterated his warning that, if threatened with even a penny in the pound in additional taxation, the money-men would up sticks, shake the dust of the City of London from their feet and take their invaluable expertise with them to some rival financial centre such as Wall Street.

Meanwhile, as the US president swiftly pledged $100m in immediate aid to the flattened Caribbean nation of Haiti - along with the instant deployment of 5,000 troops plus ships, helicopters, planes and a floating hospital to help with rescue efforts - Mr Brown fearlessly demonstrated his new-found independence from Washington by pulling a paltry £6m in loose change out of his back pocket, chucking it in a charity collecting tin and asking the British people to spare a few coppers too.

Obama First To Win Two Nobel Peace Prizes In One Day

US President Barack Obama made history today, by receiving two Nobel Peace Prizes within 24 hours of each other.

The Nobel Committee honoured the "deeply humbled" president for achieving everlasting peace on earth thanks to his tireless efforts to deliver a string of vaguely aspirational speeches about talking to other nations about nuclear weapons.

"Previous leaders of the free world have always got bogged down in the detail of actually having talks," said a spokesman for the committee. "As soon as you sit down around the table, somebody wants something in return, and somebody else says they'll only do this if everybody else does that, it all breaks down in arguments and you're right back to square one. Obama's genius lies in realising that it is possible to take the short cut to world peace by not actually having those pointless talks at all. Only by not doing anything can you change the world. Brilliant."

"And, of course, he's not George W Bush," he added. "That's almost worth a prize in itself."

Meanwhile, hippies around the world expressed their shock and outrage at rampant US imperialism as NASA unexpectedly declared war on the moon by bombing it in an unprovoked sneak attack.

"Zoicks! They totally like blew the moon to pieces, man," said Shaggy, an organic mystery machine operator with self-inflicted dreads, who claimed he didn't speak for any particular group because everyone's opinion was like as valid as everyone else's yeah except some people's were shit. "It's like they fired a fucking Tranny van at the fucking moon at two million miles an hour. No shit, man, the Yanks blew a fuck-off great hole in the moon's karma, you know what I'm saying? It'll be your garden next, man, I tell you. Fuuuck."

"Rooby wooby woo," agreed his dog, speaking from the end of a piece of string.

The spent rocket stage which was actually crashed into the moon was followed by a probe seeking to detect the presence of ice particles in the cloud of dust hurled miles into the moon's virtually non-existent atmosphere by the impact, unhindered by any significant gravity field.

"It's like worse than Hiroshima yeah," screamed Moonchild Starflower, an anarcho-folkist aura decorator who sincerely believes she is powered by crystals. "The sick murdering bastards. Have some holistic cider, man, this stuff's well wicked."

When the rising tide of cannabis-addled protest reached the White House, President Obama wasted no time in declaring a worldwide war on anarchy and free-thinking radicalism, mobilising the remaining bits of the US Army not currently engaged in fighting abstract concepts in Iraq and Afghanistan and putting them on standby as soon as intelligence experts in the Pentagon had pinpointed the rogue state of mind responsible for the increasing outbreaks of twaddle that threatened world security.

He was immediately awarded a second Nobel Peace Prize for promising to rid the world of the fear of soap forever.

"I love the smell of Palmolive in the morning," said a peace-loving general.

Obama Vows To Make Tough Decision With A Sense of Urgency, But Not Yet

On the eve of the eighth anniversary of the invasion, Barack Obama has vowed to act with a sense of urgency at some unspecified point in the future when it comes to deciding the United States' strategic plans for Afghanistan.

President Obama told key members of Congress that he had ruled out pulling any or all American troops out of the strife-torn country. As he has not agreed to increase US force commitments either, he has effectively ruled out the only two options presented to him by General Stanley McChrystal, his top commander in the combat zone.

"I promise to be rigorous and deliberate when it comes to the difficult decision, from which I will not shirk, of deciding when I will take the necessary step of making up my mind on what we may or may not do," said the straight-talking president, "Commensurate, of course, on any future events which may happen but have not happened yet. The hat is a challenge that lies before the American people. And together we can be equal to that challenge. But I will not take the easy path and give the American people the false hope that it might contain some kind of rabbit, metaphorical or otherwise as it may be. America, I humbly ask you to work with me on this, hand in hand. Doing nothing is not an option, therefore I will not do it. Hey, is that the time already? Meeting closed."

'I Am Not Turning Invisible,' Insists Empty Chair

Speaking on US TV channel NBC's Nightly News programme, an apparently empty chair was keen to deny reports that it was becoming invisible.

The empty chair was supposed to have been occupied by prime minister Gordon Brown, who is meant to be attending a UN summit in New York. A doorman at the studios confirmed that he had admitted a British government official who seemed to be engrossed in a conversation with an imaginary friend, even speaking in two different voices; but when shown a photograph of Mr Brown, he recoiled in horror before saying: "No sir, that ain't the guy. I'd remember that sour-faced sonofabitch if I'd seen him."

Earlier, President Obama had failed to see Mr Brown on five separate occasions, even checking under his desk in case the world-renowned statesman and financial genius was playing a game of hide-and-seek.

However, when the upholstered wooden chair in the NBC studios spoke to the floor manager in Gordon Brown's unmistakeable gruff brogue, interviewer Brian Williams shrugged and told editors he was prepared to go ahead with the interview if they were.

Asked why documents emanating from Number Ten were now written in large print with a crayon, Mr Brown's chair curtly replied that there was nothing wrong with the sight in his good eye.

When host Williams bluntly asked if he was going invisible, the chair rocked back and forth violently, shouting: "It's not my fault if certain people seem to be having trouble noticing me!" before falling over. Mr Williams' clipboard suddenly rose into the air of its own accord and flew towards the camera.

Several drunken bums in a back alley later reported a levitating bottle of whisky sobbing incoherently to itself in "some weird kinda Limey accent", before smashing itself to pieces against a wall.

Obama Was Born To Be Alive, Insists White House

Exasperated White House aides have reiterated the message that President Obama is indeed a citizen of the United States by birth, in the face of persistent conspiracy theories claiming that he was in fact not born in Hawaii at all, but assembled in some factory in the Far East, or possibly space.

The so-called 'birthers' have not been dissuaded by the posting online of Mr Obama's birth certificate, nor by assurances from the non-partisan Annenberg Public Policy Center of the University of Pennsylvania that the original certificate is genuine, with right-wing talk-show hosts claiming that, as a machine politician assembled in a factory by other machines, the President in ineligible to hold the highest office in the land.

"The fact that he's an uppity nigger-boy with ideas above his station has nothing to do with it," screamed shock-jock Cletus Himmler, a senior crypto-rantist at popular extremist propaganda station K-NAZ. "Some of my best friends are black. Not on the surface, admittedly - but deep in their hearts, where it counts."

The president himself has so far declined to enter the debate, as he is currently being retrofitted with a hardware update which will enable him to stun opponents up to two miles away with a subsonic audio-pulse.

"Is there anything you can say which will make the birthers go away?" mused White House spokesman Robert Gibbs. "Probably not, as it seems there are now more hysterical Nazis in the United States today than in the whole of Greater Germany in 1939."

Turkey To Enter Europe: "It's OK," Says Obama, "Just Tell Them You're With Me"

Barack Obama, on his first visit to an Islamic nation, has reassured Turkey that he will do all the arm-twisting he can to secure its membership of the European Union.

"It is not for the European Union to decide who can or can't join it," said President Obama. "Just because most of the member states have a few minor quibbles about Turkey's endemic corruption and graft, the relentless persecution of its Kurdish minority, severe restrictions on freedom of speech, repression of women's rights, the use of torture, assassination and murder by the military police, the banning of several political parties and a right-wing army breathing down the government's neck, doesn't mean that Turkey is in any way incompatible with the values of Western civilisation."

"The bottom line is that their generals are very pally with our generals," smiled the leader of the free world, "And the US Air Force would have had to use quite a bit more fuel to bomb the shit out of Mosul, if we hadn't had our Turkish airbases right there on its doorstep. So Turkey is good for the environment, too."

Gordon Brown agreed wholeheartedly with the Mr Obama, standing on the steps of Number Ten in front the US ambassador, who was vigorously pushing Mr Brown's head up and down. Other European leaders, though, were less enthusiastic.

"Look at zis map," said Nicolas Sarkozy. "Zis teeny leetle bit of Turkey ees on ze European continent. Ze ozzer four-twenties-fifteen per cent, she ees not. If Monsieur Yes-We-Can ees so amorous towards his Turkish allies, he can make eet ze 51st state of America, ees eet not? Good."

The French president refused to be drawn, however, on whether the purchase of a wonky Turkish-made Beko telly a few years ago may have adversely affected his views on Europe's Eastern neighbour.

Obama: More Nuclear Missiles For A Nuclear-Free World

Peace campaigners all over the world today hailed President Obama for his visionary pledge to rid the world of nuclear weapons at some unspecified point in the distant future long after his death.

Speaking in the Czech capital, Prague, Barack Obama told a cheering 20,000-strong crowd: "The existence of thousands of nuclear weapons is the most dangerous legacy of the Cold War."

"Today the Cold War has disappeared," he continued, "But thousands of those weapons have not. That is why I vow to you that I will erase forever the awful spectre of atomic armageddon - by planting a new generation of nuclear missiles here and in Poland, pointing straight at Moscow which, as we all know, is the black heart at the centre of al-Qaeda terrorism."

"Why are you all looking at me like that?" added the President, as his advisors held up boards saying 'Clap louder.'

NATO Celebrates Birthday With Oddly-Shaped Cake

With Western leaders meeting in Strasbourg to celebrate the 60th anniversary of the North Atlantic Treaty Organisation, Russian Prime Minister Vladimir the Putin sent the organisation a birthday card featuring his best wishes and a map of the world with a big arrow pointing to the Atlantic Ocean.

President Obama - dressed up like Ozymandias from the Watchmen movie - delighted partygoers by cutting slices out of a big cake shaped like Europe would be if it were attached to North America rather than the eastern half of the Eurasian landmass.

Leaders of the other NATO countries were also in fancy dress for the occasion. Germany's Angela Merkel created a stir as Silk Spectre II, while a bright blue Silvio Berluscruki stunned everyone into silence by arriving at the party naked and waving his genitals.

New boy Nicolas Sarkozy - who, cruelly, had not been told to come in costume - sat alone in the corner crying because none of the other children wanted to talk to him, until his wife arrived to take him home to his stamp collection.

After blancmange and jelly had been served, Gordon Brown - dressed as the boring middle-aged nerd who doesn't really achieve anything - suggested that everyone should tell scary stories, but wet his pants when President Obama mischievously told him that a big bad bogey-man who lives in a dark cave in Afghanistan was coming to eat him all up.

All Smiles At Downing Street As Obama Reprograms Brown For Summit

It was all smiles yesterday in Downing Street, as President Barack Obama arrived for a pre-G20 briefing with Gordon Brown, carrying a large manila folder marked 'Script', a car battery and a set of electrodes.

Scots-tinged, expletive-laden screams were heard coming from Number Ten throughout the course of the meeting, which were later reported by a sweating spin doctor to be yelps of unbounded delight as the Prime Minister found ever more examples of how closely he and President Obama saw absolutely eye-to-eye on all policy issues - especially the ones Mr Brown had previously thought of as possible bones of contention, such as whose fault everything was.

"Mr Brown is glad to find he agrees that the United States is the sole injured party in the current global economic meltdown," spluttered Spin Dr Rhythm to the world's reporters. "And he is very pleased to learn that he was responsible for the crisis in the first place. He looks forward to a summit where Britain and the United States share a common interest in ensuring a successful outcome for the USA."

He added that, to mark Britain's special relationship with America, the two world statesmen had cordially exchanged gifts of friendship. Mr Obama gave the prime minister a series of powerful electric shocks, and Mr Brown generously handed his testicles to the president in a presentation vice, with matching mallet.

President Obama and his wife then travelled to Buckingham Palace, where they were given a viewing catalogue by the Queen and told that if they saw anything they particularly fancied, they should be sure to put in an advance bid.

Brown Delivers Historic Meaningless Speech on Capitol Hill

Gordon Brown has delivered an historic address to Washington's political elite, mouthing a tedious sequence of vague platitudes to a rare joint meeting of both Houses of Congress.

"Blah blah your friend Europe," he began, to rapturous yawns from senators and congressmen. "Blah blah blah confidence... opportunities ahead... blah blah blah make the future work for us."

As America's movers and shakers began adjusting their cushions, Mr Brown warmed to his hollow theme, saying: "Blah blah blah, economy will double in size, blah blah... opportunities for business... prosperity... expansion of middle-class incomes blah-de-blah-de-blah... Seize the moment... O Captain, my Captain... Believe The Unbelievable... Prepare For The Fantastic... Let's Go To Work... A Little Pig Goes A Long Way... What Does It Take To Find A Lost Love?"

The Prime Minister's speech moved both Republicans and Democrats to pins and needles, and many were visibly stunned as they staggered out afterwards.

"That Gordon Brown guy sure is some character," said one Congressman, rubbing the circulation back into his legs. "He Knows No Fear. He Knows No Danger. He Knows Nothing."

Earlier, during a photo-opportunity, President Obama - who had kindly offered Mr Brown the services of his personal tailor, allowing him to finally burn the suit he found in a Sue Ryder shop in 1996 - was asked what he and Mr Brown had in common.

After sucking his teeth hard for a few minutes, the President told the world's press that he and his staunch British ally both had beautiful wives, lovely children and a similar number of fingers and toes.

The Prime Minister then blurted out, "And - ho, ho - we're both Brown!" - leaving Mr Obama to break the embarrassed silence which followed, as a solitary tumbleweed blew slowly past.

"I firmly believe that, incredible as it may seem, the dactyl connection of which I spoke may indicate that our two species - the human race and trollkind - may once, in the distant past, have evolved from a common ancestor," suggested the President, as Mr Brown stamped away in a huff, looking for a bridge to lurk beneath.

Obama Boycotts Racism Conference For Anti-Racist Bias

The US government says it will boycott April's UN conference on racism in Geneva, because somebody might say something uncomplimentary about its very good friend and customer, Israel.

The rest of the world responded by asking America if it could suggest a more glaring example of an ethnically-divided society in today's world, in which members of one race pitilessly inflict a brutal, punitive grip on those with the misfortune to be born into a different ethnic group, whilst themselves enjoying the lavish fruits of a luxurious, privileged lifestyle.

Members of America's ethnic minorities living in crime-ridden slums, trapped hopelessly in minimum-wage jobs, languishing in overcrowded prisons or dying painfully from life-threatening ailments because they are unable to pay for treatment were left scratching their heads for an answer. After some hesitation, though, they told reporters they were proud to be Americans in a new era of equality and opportunity where a black man has finally made it all the way to the White House, before walking away frowning and stroking their chins.

‘It’s All About Me,‘ Wails Brown

Downing Street sources have privately admitted that the Prime Minister has locked himself in the toilet and is refusing to come out, after hearing that US President Barack Obama shared a breakfast with Tony Blair yesterday.

“Gordon is presently devoting himself to issues that require his full and undivided attention,” a sweating spin doctor told reporters, speaking over the sobs issuing from a frosted first-storey window.

However, a confidential source told the Nev Filter that Mr Brown has been feeling increasingly isolated and vulnerable over the past few weeks.

“First he started whining about being seen as the ‘Minister for the Recession’,” said the exhausted policy wonk. “Quite apart from the fact that it was largely caused by his lax regulation of the money markets in the first place, you might think perhaps he’d realise that the buck ultimately stops at the PM’s desk - but no, apparently not.

“Then he got rather peeved at the International Monetary Fund’s dire forecast for Britain’s economic prospects, and stamped around Switzerland all last weekend, grabbing people by the arm and telling them that it was the IMF who had the problem, not him.

“Then he spent so long on the phone yesterday, yelling abuse at Nicolas Sarkozy for telling the whole of France that Britain’s VAT cuts had made bugger-all difference, that he completely missed the initial reports of Mr Obama’s breakfast meeting with That Man Whose Name We Don’t Mention. Of course, we didn’t dare tell him. So when he read about it in the Daily Mail this morning, he threw his Quaker Oats on the floor and ran off to the lavatory in floods of tears. We’ve tried telling him that at least Jeremy Clarkson has apologised for calling him one-eyed and Scottish, but he still refuses to come out.”

The deeply-upset PM is understood to have posted his sorry tale of woe on the internet via Facebook Mobile, where he has been receiving messages of spurious emotional support from his friends.


Those Facebook Comments In Full

Gordon Brown ‘s had enuf the bastuds all hat eme!!!!.

Miliband One at 10:58 on 7 February
wats up hun

Gordon Brown at 10:59 7 February via Facebook Mobile
barack had brakefest with THAT MAN hes onley spok to me for 5 minits on the fone the bastud i thot he luvd me i wish i was ded no 1 likes me

Mad Jack at 12:04 on 7 February
o’bamers a 2timin bich yr betr off without im babe xxxx hugs

Lord Mandy at 12:44 7 February via Twitter
if there sharin brekfast u no wot that menes dont u!!! lol

David Blunkett at 13:30 on 7 February
sarcosies no beter he shud sort out his own cuntrey frist giv me a call if u need me tho not rite away im a bizzy shagin the missis rite now *winks*

David ’Dave’ Cameron at 14:06 7 February via Twitter
sory to be harsh gord but its for yr own good its always got 2B about u init you must of got problams in the bed dept or sumfin no wot i mean mate imao you jus need a bludy good shaftin wy not call an election lmao

Historic Obama Promises To... er...

Today the world witnessed historic history being momentously made, as Barack Obama was sworn in as the first African-American President of the United States.

Washington's historic National Mall - which, strangely, is entirely lacking in retail outlets - was crowded with joyful African-Americans, and there were even rumours of one or two white Americans being present although media footage could not confirm this.

Due to an historic organisational mix-up, African-American warm-up act Aretha Franklin sang the British national anthem by mistake, getting the words momentously wrong and hitting every note but the correct one. Following the historic swearing-in of token non-African-American Joe Biden as Vice-President, Barack Obama took his sacred oath of office - momentously stumbling through it to become the 44th US President.

The momentously historic African-American President then took the stand, and delivered the most historic, momentous and African-American speech in the history of the United States.

"Basically, we're fucked," he told the cheering, weeping, African-historic-momentous-American crowds. "So here's some tough-love guff about our inherent greatness instead."

A housewife, who may or may not have been historic, momentous or African-American, then wandered up to the microphone and read out a poem she wrote for her therapy group, which was the signal for everyone to go back to their imposiibly-mortgaged homes and worry about their threatened jobs and uninsured health.