Brave Army Hero Blames Nobody But Himself

A former squaddie who served in Afghanistan has today sensationally pointed the finger of responsibility squarely at himself, for joining the army in the first place.

Former trooper Chalky White took time out from his civvy street job of patrolling a shopping centre in Sheffield to tell reporters: "There was me at 16, wi' nowt but a GCSE in kickboxing, an' years of pissin' about in school left me wi' two choices - signin' on in the 'ope of findin' a minimum-wage McJob one day, or gettin' silly money for joinin' up an' gettin' me own gun an' that."

"Perhaps I should of stopped to ask meself why the money was so good," reflected Trooper White. "But the adverts said I'd be pissin' about on a tropical beach all day, surrounded by fanny. I takes one look at the manky trolls on the estate an' I'm straight down the recruitin' office shoutin' 'Where do I sign, mate?' Next thing I know, I'm marchin' round Helmand wi' towelheads all around tryin' to blow me cobblers off, like."

"Reckon I must of bin a reet twat not to see that comin'," he admitted ruefully.

"I 'ad some daft notion that I'd come out o' the service set up for life, too, wi' a cushy job, page 3 models queuein' up to drop their knickers for me an' everyone treatin' me like a celebrity," he continued. "Instead I get a couple 'undred nicker, a stroppy bird what shouts at me for gettin' under 'er feet all the time I'm 'ome, an' cheeky nippers tryin' to nick me cap when I'm at work. All a bit predictable, really."

"I s'pose if I'd o' thunk about it, there in't a lot of civvy jobs where the ability to strip an SA80 wi' a blindfold on is a must," he mused.

Controversially, Trooper White refused to lash out at the MoD for failing to supply adequate equipment, politicians for sending troops out to fight pointless foreign wars, or protesters for demonstrating against the occupation of Afghanistan.

"Since when 'as the British soldier ever 'ad an abundance of the best kit?" he asked. "Us already spends more on defence than any other country in Europe, there in't a bottomless pit y'know. As for the rest - well, in't that the democracy we was out there fightin' to protect? It's never been no different, like."

"I seen some good mates killed out there," he added with a shrug. "Well, that's what we got paid for. Can't say I'm 'appy 'bout it, but shit 'appens."