Britain Eyes Up Enormous Nuclear Cock Options

Wahey!

Swivel-eyed defence secretary Dr Liam Fox told Parliament today that Britain will definitely hold onto its enormous nuclear cock, as he proudly ordered some new black nuclear swimming trunks to keep it in.

Labour’s shadow defence secretary, Jim Murphy, applauded Dr Fox’s decision, saying that waving an enormous nuclear cock had been the cornerstone of the nation’s peace and security for fifty years.

"As long as there are other countries with similar capabilities, it is right the UK retains an independent nuclear cock," he told MPs. “Even if we are all on the same side.”

“We will, of course, consider our girly-boy coalition partners’ typically limp-wristed request to look into options that don’t involve a great big nuclear cock,” drooled Dr Fox. “Although, frankly, anything else would just look silly poking out of our glistening nuclear swimming trunks.”

“If Mr Clegg is so keen to strut about bollock naked,” he added, “Perhaps he ought to remember that everybody has been sniggering at the Liberals’ limp elections for decades.”

Evil Terrorists Nearly Killed Millions With Deadly Photos Of Sellafield, Claim Police

Run like fuck

Five Asians (read: Fanatical Islamic Terrorists) on holiday in the Lake District came perilously close to killing every living thing in the United Kingdom, claim vigilant police officers who swooped when they saw the desperate, hate-filled terrorists clearly pointing cameras in the general direction of the giant Sellafield nuclear reprocessing facility which dominates the landscape.

“We could tell them wun’t from round ‘ere, ‘cos ‘appen we’re related to all t’folks round ‘ere,” explained eagle-eyed PC Bob Cumberland, the Cumbria force’s anti-terrorist squad. “Them looks aal foony an’ foreign. Turns out all o’ them coom oop from soom town folks call ‘London’. Me an’ t’wife’s uncle, ‘e says ‘tis fair crawling wi’ them Muslim fundimentals, like.”

The five – who have no links whatsoever to Osama Bin Laden, but it’s important to shoehorn his name in here somewhere – have been handed over to Greater Manchester Police, who are confident they will beat some satisfactory lies out of them.

UK To Keep Waving Enormous Nuclear Cock At Rest of World

Notwithstanding suggestions that a separate army, navy and air force may soon be unsustainable, defence minister Bob Ainsworth today promised the nation that the future of the UK's enormous nuclear cock is assured.

In a speech intended to reassure the Daily Mail that the sun has still not set on the British Empire, Mr Ainsworth also said it was likely that the construction of two new aircraft carriers will also go ahead - although they may not actually carry any aircraft. Or crew.

"With the country defended by two vast floating bricks and an enormous nuclear cock that can be unzipped and waved menacingly at any aggressor within minutes of the Americans agreeing to give us the launch codes, the British people can feel completely safe from any sneak attack from a resurgent Zulu nation or the dreaded Fuzzy-Wuzzies," promised the defence secretary. "And you hardly need three services to operate that kind of hardware. One TA corporal and a few deckhands from the Isle of Skye ferry should be enough to meet out future defence requirements."

"Which is just as well," he added, "Since there won't be any money left in the pot for anyone else."

A spokesman for the Fuzzy-Wuzzies privately admitted that they would not like Britain's enormous nuclear cock up them.

Brown Slaps Britain's Enormous Nuclear Cock On The Table

Arriving in New York for a meeting of the UN Security Council, prime minister Gordon Brown raised eyebrows by unashamedly whipping Britain's enormous nuclear cock out and slapping it on the table, shouting: "Look at my enormous nuclear cock, everybody, and tell me if you think it's too big!"

As embarrassed world leaders coughed with embarrassment, Mr Brown confessed that, although he was very much attached to Britain's enormous nuclear cock, he wasn't sure if he could keep it up forever.

"Britain has been proudly waving its enormous nuclear cock around since 1952," he told delegates. "Unfortunately, however, nobody seems to take much notice of it any more. In fact, I think a lot of countries are laughing at it behind my back."

"Some silly old men with beards keep saying it's high time I stopped waving my enormous nuclear cock around and grew up," he explained. "They say there must surely be more important things to occupy my attention. But I love my enormous nuclear cock - it makes me feel like a big boy. Having said that, with all the bloody money that keeps flowing into it, I have to admit I'm starting to feel a bit faint."

Mr Brown refused to stop playing with Britain's enormous nuclear cock altogether, but said he was prepared to consider a slight reduction in size.

"I've heard that it's not how big it is that's important, it's the pleasure it gives," he said. "So I suppose I could settle for a slightly less enormous nuclear cock. Although - unlike my big friend America - I've never had a chance to thrust it deep inside somebody else's country and let it go off, and probably never will, I just couldn't imagine giving up the deep satisfaction of taking it out and waving it around in public from time to time."

"And don't forget my enormous nuclear cock gives a huge sense of pride to millions of people in the UK," he added.

As Mr Brown sat down, obsessively clutching his enormous nuclear cock, more mature statesmen expressed the opinion that perhaps it was time for Britain to address its tragic delusions about importance.

Obama: More Nuclear Missiles For A Nuclear-Free World

Peace campaigners all over the world today hailed President Obama for his visionary pledge to rid the world of nuclear weapons at some unspecified point in the distant future long after his death.

Speaking in the Czech capital, Prague, Barack Obama told a cheering 20,000-strong crowd: "The existence of thousands of nuclear weapons is the most dangerous legacy of the Cold War."

"Today the Cold War has disappeared," he continued, "But thousands of those weapons have not. That is why I vow to you that I will erase forever the awful spectre of atomic armageddon - by planting a new generation of nuclear missiles here and in Poland, pointing straight at Moscow which, as we all know, is the black heart at the centre of al-Qaeda terrorism."

"Why are you all looking at me like that?" added the President, as his advisors held up boards saying 'Clap louder.'

When Subs Collide

The Royal Navy has confirmed that the nuclear submarine HMS White Vanguard was involved in a collision with a French counterpart, Le Capitulant, in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean ten days ago.

Despite having extensive sonar systems, both submarines were unaware of the presence of the other until they crashed into each other, said a naval spokesman, adding hopefully: "Well, at least it proves that the stealth technology works, eh?"

Details of the incident are only now emerging. It appears that HMS White Vanguard's helmsman was engaging in a difficult travelling-in-a-straight-line manoeuvre while scrabbling around on the floor for a Queen CD, when the French submarine suddenly appeared out of nowhere on the wrong side of the sea while its crew were looking at porn on a computer. The White Vanguard's captain sounded his horn, shouted, "Watch out, you wanker!" as required by the international law of the sea and tried to swerve out of the way, but sideswiped a passing whale and bounced back into the path of the oblivious French sub - causing extensive damage to his boat's go-faster stripes and fibreglass air dam.

Both subs surfaced immediately and - according to eye-witness accounts from the shadowing US and Russian subs - the White Vanguard's captain, inspired by centuries of RN tradition, immediately offered to send a boarding party across to "sort out" the French. The slovenly, cognac-sodden captain of the Capitulant, however, merely waved his arms around like an orang-utan, gibbered like a mad parrot and seemed extremely agitated about the scratches on his shoddily-built vessel's paintwork.

Once the traditional exchange of maritime pleasantries was over, both captains exchanged insurance details and sailed off to their home ports.

The details of the French claim are not known; it has been suggested that the details they gave may be bogus, and they may in fact have been joyriding recklessly in a stolen, hot-wired sub. Meanwhile, the Royal Navy is said to be claiming that all sixteen Trident nuclear missiles fell out of the back, and is demanding that Lloyds of London replace the sub with a shiny new one, due to a bent reactor. A spokesman for the venerable marine insurers, however, said that if the senior service checked the small print of its contract it would realise that it stood to lose a £500bn no-claims bonus if the sub was written off, adding that the White Vanguard's captain is liable for the first £3bn cost of repairs out of his own pocket.

Glow West, Young Man

Environment Secretary Hilary Benn has announced controversial plans to make up to £1bn available to communities which agree to store nuclear waste. Any such burial site, claimed Mr Benn, “will provide skilled employment for hundreds of people over many decades. It will contribute greatly to the local economy and wider socio-economic framework. And it will glow in the dark for 10,000 years, reducing street-lighting costs significantly.”

Anti-nuclear campaigners, however, are horrified. “It’s about bribing a community with £1bn of taxpayers’ money to bury waste in their back garden,” said Nathan Argent of Greenpeace. “But there’s no guarantee a willing community will come forward.”

However, many of the quarter of a million residents of Plymouth - an unemployment blackspot a comfortable 240 miles from London – disagreed.

“We’s had old nuclear submarines rusting away in the No. 3 basin of Devonport Dockyard for years because nobody knows what to do with them - not to mention the navy dumping tritium in the river Tamar during refits - and it never done me no harm,” said one local, Mr Wayne Janner, waving his fins enthusiastically. “A few hundred tonnes of radioactive waste under the floorboards won’t make any difference, and if it means jobs for my tadpoles, I’m all for it.”

Although Mr Janner’s other head expressed reservations about Plymouth’s above-average leukaemia rates, a naval spokesman said that the few incidences of leukaemia that could be directly traced to radiation from the naval base could be counted on the fingers of one hand – as long as that hand belonged to ‘Mutant-Fingers’ Magee of Albert Road.

It's In The Air For You And Me

A senior official at the Nuclear Decommissioning Authority has revealed that the bill for cleaning up Britain’s ageing nuclear reactor sites could soar above the current estimate of £73bn – which was itself revised upwards in January by the National Audit Office, from an original figure of £12bn.

“Back in the fifties, nobody had a clue how to close down these atomic installations,” said Dr Jim Strangelove. “But they just said, ‘Hey, not our problem!’ and went right ahead and built the damned things anyway. Their strategy for the safe disposal of radioactive waste was to dig a few ruddy great ponds and bung the lot in. We haven’t the faintest idea of how much there is, nor what to do with it when we haul it out. We even asked veteran German futureheads Kraftwerk to tell the radioactivity to stop, but sadly it just went right on emitting particles.”

When asked how much the final clean-up bill might be, Dr Strangelove smiled and said, “It’ll probably end up costing the Earth.”

Three Minute Warning? Just Time To Put The Kettle On, Then

Recently-declassified documents from the mid-1950s reveal the fears of nuclear defence planners that the traumatised, irradiated survivors of a massive atomic strike on the UK would face a terrible shortage of tea.

A memo from the period states that “The tea position would be very serious, with a loss of 75 percent of stocks and substantial delays in imports, and with no system of rationing it would be wrong to consider that even one ounce per head per week could be ensured."

Embarrassed government officials refused to say whether the situation had improved fifty years on, raising fears that Britain could be reduced to a state of feral anarchy if terrorists were to strike at the nation’s tea distribution network. However, the Home Office temp on Bank Holiday phone cover said, “More people drink coffee nowadays, don’t they? Don’t you journalists have anything more important to report?”

Sarkozy Calls New French Nuclear-Armed Sub "Terrible"

Some headlines just write themselves.