Heads Exploding All Over Britain As Tabloid Readers Try To Process Bereaved Mother’s Opinion Of Army

Emergency services all over Britain are struggling to cope today, as the brains of millions of hero-worshipping readers of the mass media explode whilst thinking about grieving mother Suzanne Ashe’s hatred of the army.

Ms Ashe might benefit from a toy bear, say papers

“Brave boys and girls… fine job… hate… heroes… does not compute… error,” muttered a glassy-eyed Sun reader, with smoke pouring from her ears moments before her head burst apart.

MoD officials are trying to understand how the bereaved mother of Private Gareth Bellingham, 22, who was shot whilst on patrol in Afghanistan, could have deviated from the officially-approved script.

“In these circumstances, relatives are supposed to say that their loved one died doing an important job of protecting us all, helping to make the world a better place, and so on and so forth,” said an MoD spokesman, “Not some bitter emotional guff about him missing out on having a relationship and raising a family. Most of all, they are supposed to thank the army for allowing him to live his dreams, not hate it for ending them. That’s bloody close to treason.”

Defence secretary Liam Fox is expected to announce an urgent review into the catastrophic failure of Ms Ashe’s stiff upper lip.