Roger Day, the 61-year-old man who marched in a Remembrance Day parade wearing medals covering a period from the Battle of Waterloo to the Dalek Invasion of Earth 2150AD insisted today that, as a bona fide member of the SAS, he was absolutely entitled to each medal and had the receipts to prove it.
"I could tell you how I managed to fight in World War Two, despite being born three years after it ended," Mr Day told a Sun reporter, as he polished his genuine Swiss Army penknife. "But then, of course, I'd have to kill you."
"I strangled a man with my own pubes once," he added darkly.
Mr Day denied that, instead of a regimental tie, he marched wearing a gaudy monstrosity from Marks and Spencer.
"The abstract swirl of colours denotes that famous unit of Kitchener's army, the Artists' Rifles," he insisted, whilst cleaning his authentic First World War cycling mask. "It was a privilege to serve in the trenches alongside men of the calibre of 'Sharky' Hirst, 'Stinker' Emin and 'Banksy' Banksy."
Britain's greatest war hero also denied that he fled the march after being challenged about his 21 medals by a real veteran.
"I saw the parade out to its bitter, bloody end," he claimed, while he stripped and reassembled his plastic BB gun. "Then I went for a victory drink with my old SAS pal, Andy McNab. Of course, he'll deny it, even if you torture him by telling him his books are shite. It's all part of our training."
MrMcNab did indeed refute all knowledge of Mr Day, saying: "This is an insult to the brave men and women who have served in our armed forces. Roger Day is not the first to do this sort of thing. And unfortunately he will not be the last."
"Well, there you are, just as I told you. What more proof do you need?" crowed Mr Day triumphantly. Before the reporter could ask him the colour of the boat shed at Hereford Barracks, however, Mr Day leapt into his metallic-camouflaged 7th Armoured Division Mahindra Jeep and drove off to pick up his wife, the Celtic warrior queen Boudicca.
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