Recession Ends As Blue People Win Thing

Shiny thing make it all better

The British public were still dancing deliriously in every street up and down the land this morning after blue-shirted people won a shiny thing and red-shirted people didn’t, causing the recession to disappear forever.

Not in other news:

Europe Reverts To Hunter-Gatherer Existence 

NHS Abolished 

Badgers Awarded Benefits As Disabled Cull Begins

Depp and Portman Sign For Help In McCartney Hostage Video

After studying the latest video footage from supervillian Paul McCartney, sign language experts today confirmed that Hollywood actors Johnny Depp and Natalie Portman, whilst pretending to comply with his sick demands, are heroically issuing cleverly-coded messages of defiance instead.

In his cruel video message, evil mastermind McCartney forces his captives to sign the words of ‘My Valentine’, his latest hysterical threat to world peace. However, the resourceful Depp brilliantly subverts his tormentor’s twisted message by signing ‘enemy’ instead of declaring his love for the aged Scouse maniac - whilst Portman, movingly, begs Western leaders to parachute in a fresh supply of humanitarian jam rags.

Depp: "Kill me. Kill me now"

“Our brave boy and girl have highlighted the sheer hypocrisy of McCartney,” explained an expert in being deaf. “By exploiting the differences between American and British Sign Language, they have fearlessly exposed his cynical ignorance of the very issue he professes to care so deeply about.”

"What gives McCartney the right to inflict his nonsense on deaf people too?" he demanded plaintively. “When will the UN authorise the use of force?”

Disability Nearly Abolished

Soon you won't have to look  the other way ever again

Government plans to make disability a thing of the past are well ahead of schedule, according to delighted officials at the Department for No Work Or Pensions, as figures were released showing that 37% of Britain’s unsightly, unaffordable disableds have already been cured by a simple but miraculous interview.

“All our wildest hopes have been exceeded,” commented pioneering doctor Iain Duncan Smith. “Disability, you see, is simply a matter of perception - and Atos Medical’s teams of dedicated nine-to-five doctors and nurses have conclusively proved that all you have to do is stop believing the disabled and hey presto! Suddenly they’re not disabled any more.”

“Despite gloomy predictions from the National Audit Office of no more than a 6% cure, I dared to think that 25% could be achieved,” he enthused. “But to have hit 37% in the space of a year strongly suggests there is every likelihood of removing disabled people from our society for good.”

“And just in time for the next general election, too,” he smiled. “Which is more than anyone could have hoped for.”

Unions Urge Labour Party To Cut Disability Costs

Union leaders are continuing to demand action from the Labour Party on the thorny issue of disability cuts, after chronic disability Miliband 2 pointedly refused to discuss his crippling leadership.

Look - he's perfectly capable of doing Mr Cameron's job

“This pitiful waster is costing the Labour movement millions of votes it simply can’t afford to go without,” wailed Len McCluskey, general secretary of Unite, as the stumbling leader of the opposition lamely chose not to make any reference to unpopular welfare reforms pushed through the House of Lords yesterday during his long self-pitying whine about his own special problems.

Meanwhile, Lord Fraud – who successfully steered the government’s controversial bill through the upper chamber last night by explaining that disabled people were a sub-species of crab and, although there was no evidence for it, it was a scientific fact - chipped in by pointing out that there were many useful jobs which Miliband 2 was perfectly capable of, such as leading the Labour Party to defeat at the next general election.

End This Crazy Disability Bonanza, Government Tells Lords

Your kids don't get handed one of these to play with

The government today urged the House of Lords to pass the bill it promises will at last halt the obscenely generous gravy train ridden by Britain’s selfish disableds.

“Them thievin’ vultures been livin’ the life of Riley for twenty years now while the rest of us starve, thanks to all them state freebies what that bleedin’ lefty John Major give ‘em,” pleaded undernourished crips minister Maria Miller, as she sat forlornly outside the entrance to the upper chamber with a dog on a string. “Please, milord mate, give us a vote - else I swear I’ll just have to stop me poor little middle-income mums’ Wine Benefit ration, the poor darlin’s.”

The government faces an uphill struggle in trying to explain to Their Rebellious Lordships that most disabilities – including Parkinson’s, muscular dystrophy, Down’s syndrome, terminal cancer and permanent vegetative state – are really no more debilitating or long-lasting than man flu, or a paper cut.

“Them bone-idle buggers are just as capable of the same low-paid, dead-end jobs as any other dolescum, if they could only be arsed to put whatever functioning body parts they might possess into it.” mumbled Ms Miller - who had to curtail her former marketing consultancy activities when she was cruelly elected to the House of Commons in 2005, and now has to cover all her many needs on a grudging state handout of £97,139 plus a meagre expenses allowance.

“I tell you, milord mate, I bleedin’ wish I was disabled,” she sobbed convincingly. “An’ I tell yer, there’s lots of others what feels the same way.”

More Spacker Jokes Please, Golden Globes Organisers Beg Gervais

What the beautiful people can look forward to

The undisputed god of comedy, Ricky Gervais, has once more been invited to host the annual Golden Globes awards ceremony - but only, say organisers, on the strict condition that he peppers every sentence with his pants-wettingly ironic views on Down’s Syndrome.

“Gervais – who all comedians are now contractually obliged to pray to at the start of every gig – is the perfect host for this glamorous ceremony in front of Tinseltown’s beautiful people,” said a spokesman for the Hollywood Foreign Press Association. “And you can bet your sweet ass, buddy, none of them are mongs.”

Broadcaster NBC, which will be televising Gervais’ string of hilarious crip-based insults, later confirmed that the funniest man in the world will be bringing along his little stumpy prop Warwick Davis, tossing him into the crowd and inviting the assembled glitterati to join in what it promises will be a deeply moving tribute to raise public awareness of the issues faced by the disabled community.

When invited to comment on the Golden Globes, Mr Gervais pulled one of his side-splitting mong faces, went, “Awwwmmmpff ” and charged the Nev Filter £200,000.

Flagrant Scroungers Prove There’s Absolutely Nothing The Matter With Them

That's your hard-earned cash they blew on that banner

Hundreds of thousands of shameless spongers are openly flaunting themselves in public today, blatantly demonstrating for all the world to see that there’s bugger-all wrong with them that a well-earned kick in the wallet won’t cure.

“Look at these cocky bastards all strolling down the street, fit as you please, just like you or me,” seethed a typical caring member of the public, in whose little world ‘disability’ means a plucky war hero hopping a marathon. “Okay, so a few of them look a bit twitchy – well, if they’d only pack up their constant drip about how hard done by they think they are and pull themselves together, I bet they’d be fitter than I am. Excuse me while I dispense a healing slap or two.”

Another sympathetic bystander pointed out, quite reasonably, that the chap in a motorised wheelchair was perfectly capable of earning his keep towing a small trailer.

Modern Compassionate Conservatism: Cameron Explains Triple Oxymoron To Party Faithful

David Cameron has been explaining his bizarre, triply self-contradictory concept of ‘Modern Compassionate Conservatism’ to the party faithful at conference today, driving home his message by using an amusing assortment of disableds as props for added comic effect.

That's more like it

“First of all, I’d like to thank the local Jobcentre for sending me so many willing assistants,” he chuckled, raising his first laugh by snatching the wig off a depressed, retching chemotherapy outpatient and flinging it out into the baying crowd. “What a tremendous boost it must have been for your self-confidence, dear, when you heard that your ESA was being stopped because Atos Medical say that you’re perfecly fit and capable of work!”

As he drew a big clown’s smile on a bedridden MS victim with a red marker pen, the prime minister explained: “Old-fashioned compassion was all about feeling sorry for crips and spackers. For years, disableds have been saying they don’t want our pity. Well, they must be absolutely over the moon now that we Conservatives have abolished it.”

“Modern compassion the Conservative way is all about empowering the useless,” he went on, whilst hilariously mooning a blind man. ”And now that we’ve slashed their income, what greater way of seizing control of their own destinies could there be than taking the brave, unselfish decision to stop being a burden on their loved ones by topping themselves?”

Mr Cameron also spoke movingly of the jobs for which nutters were particularly adapted. “The police are always keen to recruit violent psychopaths into their Armed Response Units and riot squads,” he laughed, “And there are plenty of opportunities within the Liberal Democrats for simps and vegetables. Finally, let me end with an uplifting example of one loony’s triumph over adversity: being a paranoid schizophrenic and a compulsive liar with Tourette’s and messianic delusions have uniquely qualified Paul Dacre to edit the Daily Mail.”

Disability Assessments Not Entirely Perfect But Carry On Anyway, Says Select Committee

Clear evidence of correct apostrophe use - get a job, Einstein

The Work and Pensions Committee has published its report on the reassessments forced on the sick and disabled today – bravely arriving at the conclusion that, although they may well be rubbish and vulnerable people may well be genuinely suffering as a result, and given the unfortunate absence of any alternative suggestions in the report, the government might as well carry on with them.

“We have spoken to Atos, who carry out these ludicrous assessments, and we have spoken to the Department for Work and Pensions, who are greatly amused by them,” gushed committee chair Dame Anna Begg. “The general consensus seems to be that it’s a rotten system, but it’s our rotten system and we’re bloody well going to stick with it come hell or high water – and who are we, a mere parliamentary select committee, to disagree with them?”

“That’s not to say that we haven’t made important recommendations, however,” she added brightly. “For example, we recommended that the DWP penpushers stop simply rubber-stamping the computer’s usual assessment of disabled people as fully fit for work and take a brief look at the claimant’s file, and the department has given us its solemn assurance that somebody there will certainly read that paragraph in the fullness of time.”

“We also recommended that the media stop labelling all disabled people as a bunch of workshy scroungers,” she added. “No doubt you’ll notice how the papers have taken that on board tomorrow morning.”

Mental MPs Should Be Paid Less Than Minimum Wage, Say Disabled

He's completely hatstand

After condescending to receive a visit from Conservative village idiot Philip Irrelevant, disabled people declared that he was clearly incapable of doing a proper day’s work and suggested that paying him less than the minimum wage was the only way to turn him into a productive member of society.

“It is a tragedy that a right-wing nutter like Philip has nothing more to look forward to in life than sitting around all day in the House of Commons, shouting nonsense and embarrassing everyone close to him,” said a spokesman for mental health charity MIND. “How many employers would be willing to pay £5.93 an hour to put up with Philip’s loony outbursts and bizarre jaw-flapping behaviour?”

Protected from reality in his own little bubble, however, barmy Philip remains blissfully ignorant of the embarrassment he causes to his carers.

“When I attempted to remonstrate with Philip about his unacceptable behaviour, he tweaked my nose and shouted ‘Wibble,” sighed one of his long-suffering Tory carers, Edward Leigh.

Later, an unrepentant Philip explained to reporters: “Bah! My kite has got tangled in the branches of that old lady’s cat.”

“Frisnit frisnit,” he added earnestly.

Trees Much Cuddlier Than Crips, Says Public

Look at those lovely trees

As millions of Facebook users vented their anger at government plans to sell the 18% of British trees that it owns to salivating chainsaw enthusiasts, a disabled jobless registered a solitary, selfish vote in support of a petition condemning the government’s proposed cuts to the welfare budget.

“How dare he?” commented one outraged tree fan. “Trees are lovely. They give us all our air, and they look all nice and green. What have disableds ever done for us? Nothing. I wouldn’t mind so much if they just had even a hint of style, but God, just look at them. They always look like they’ve been catapulted through a charity shop. And they’re ugly.”

Another person who lives in a nice part of the countryside added, “I tried to hug a disabled with Asperger’s Syndrome once - because that’s the kind of wonderful caring person I am - and the ungrateful shit jumped out of his skin, gave me a creepy, cold look and walked away. Trees don’t walk away when you hug them. They love you unconditionally.”

An environmentalist posted: “Trees live for a very long time. Disabled people don’t. There simply is no comparison.”

“How dare some person in a wheelchair – a wheelchair I paid for, mind, with my hard-earned taxes – say I don’t care about the most vulnerable people in society?” complained a Guardian reader. “Of course I care about them, the whiny useless bastards. But they can speak for themselves, or at least squeak or grunt or use one of those hilarious drony things like Stephen Hawking. The poor trees can’t speak for themselves, though, which is why I have to bombard my friends’ newsfeeds at least twice a day with demands to sign online petitions to save the trees.”

Despicable BBC Fiend Beheads Helpless Wheelchair Man With A Scythe

Millions of TV viewers sat in appalled silence yesterday as Ben Brown, a sadistic BBC torturer, savagely hacked the head off a cowering, helpless man in a wheelchair with a razor-sharp scythe in his demented, insatiable thirst for peak ratings.

Within seconds of the sickening live broadcast BBC switchboards were glowing red hot and exploding in showers of sparks, overloaded by an unprecedented flurry of outraged complaints.

“If ever I needed concrete proof - which I don’t - that the BBC is run entirely by vicious NAZI propagandist SCUM as nothing more than a fawning mouthpiece for the perverted diktats of that blood-curdling mass-murderer David HITLER and his strutting puppet Nick MUSSOLINI,” raged typical traumatised viewer Anne Arquette, “That moment surely came when, without a SHRED of mercy, poor Jody LenIntyre was brutally decapitated by that evil bastardfuckingfuckingcuntbastard BROWN, a mere six hours into Jody's deeply moving, entirely reasonable and unquestionably newsworthy exposé of vicious NAZI propagandist SCUM running the entire BBC as nothing more than a fawning mouthpiece for the perverted diktats of that blood-curdling mass-murderer David HITLER and his strutting puppet Nick MUSSOLINI (and you'd bloody well better leave all my CAPITAL LETTERS in).”

The new Holocaust starts now

“On top of that ATROCITY, there was ABSOLUTELY no possible justification for those sick FASCIST (and don’t even THINK about leaving the first S out to make me come across like some kind of IDIOT you smug patronising BASTAD, where was I yeah right) absolutely no justification for those sick FASCIST peadocuntscumotherfucking SICKOS on BBC Breakfast to gloatingly prop his lifeless body up in his blood-drenched WHEELCHAIR, sellotape his HEAD back on and mockingly bang their WRISTS together as they threw their guffawing heads back and drove a sodding great TANK backwards and forwards over him," she wailed, "Reducing this tragic martyr of TRUTH to a nauseating crimson gore squelching obscenely up through the TRACKS.”

“I’m writing one hell of a note about this on FACEBOOK,” she added vehemently. “That’s going to finally bring a welcome end to the crypto-fascist BBC’s unspeakable reign of TERROR, passing the CONTROL of our airwaves into the gentle, freedom-loving hands of, er, Rupert MURDOCH. Okay, so I may not exactly have thought this one through but that’s NEVER stopped me before and it‘s certainly not going to hold me up NOW.”

Incredibly, a jackbooted spokesman for the BBC later made a cynical attempt to defend his loathsome organisation.

“As a responsible propagandist, it was Ben Brown’s difficult duty to put to Mr LenIntyre the sort of difficult questions which the typical viewer - with only an average understanding of terrible afflictions such as cerebral palsy, chronic inflammation of the ego and the dreaded screaming trots - might legitimately expect to hear answered,” intoned Sturmbanneditor Kevin Goebbels, a heartless deputy apologist from the BBC’s feared and hated propaganda room. “Questions like ‘You talk pretty bloody well for a spacker - are you quite sure you’re disabled?’, ‘Why can’t you just read the Daily Mail, like normal people?’ and ‘Who, for the love of Christ, did that to your hair?’ – there are the very essence of the lofty ideals of reportage.”

“This is what we cynical, seasoned apologists of repression laughingly refer to as ‘balance’,” he bellowed in rising tones to a stadium filled to capacity with hysterical BBC sympathisers. “During the course of his six-hour interrogation, Mr LenIntyre was granted an unprecedented number of opportunities to restate his colourful but imaginary version of the sequence of events which unfolded after the unfortunate PC Savage somehow caught up his watch strap in a loose thread from Mr LenIntyre’s manky sleeve. However, the fiftieth time that useless mouth deliberately charged off at a tangent to recite whole chapters from his manifesto, Ben was left with no other option but to gently but firmly steer the interview back into the realm of topicality. With a scythe. Really, I don’t see what all the fuss is about. And take my advice: neither do you.”

The Metropolitan Police and the coalition government, meanwhile, have issued an amusing statement condemning the lefty BBC, expressing the sincere hope that the public consciousness will remain focused on the real issue of underlying importance: i.e. allowing their butterfly-like attention to float randomly away from all the dubious nonsense the government hopes to shove through as fast as it can before all the hullaballoo dies down.

Big-Hearted Iain Duncan Smith Leaps To Defence Of Territory

Work and pensions secretary Iain Duncan Smith angrily defended his patch today, following the publication of a leaked letter from chancellor George Osborne which targets the sick and disabled for a £2.5bn cut.

This idle scrounger could easily tow a bus or something

In the letter, Mr Osborne tells his fellow Tory: “Given the pressure on overall public spending in the coming period, we – meaning I - will need to continue developing further options to reform the benefits as part of the spending review process in order to deliver further savings, greater simplicity and stronger work incentives. Reform to the employment support allowance is a particular priority and I am pleased to inform you that you, the prime minister and I have agreed to press ahead with reforms to the Employment Support Allowance as part of the spending review that will deliver net savings of at least £2.5bn by 2014-15."

A visibly seething Mr Duncan Smith immediately called a press conference, in which he whispered furiously that kicking people when they were down was his job and his alone.

"I am looking at a range of options for welfare reform,” he raged quietly, “And any decisions I make will be made in the context of my spending review. My reforms will ensure that the most vulnerable in our society are protected from the chancellor’s arbitrary cuts and subjected to mine instead, thank you very much."

As usual, a spokesman for the sick and the disabled was not available for comment, as the lazy bastards apparently can’t even be bothered to appoint a lobbying company to handle their PR, the amateurs.

However, the tabloid press promised faithfully that they would spare no effort to find plenty of typical bloody ESA fiddlers over the coming week.

George Osborne To Slap Incapacity Claimants Until They Admit To Sheer Laziness

The Chancellor of the Exchequer today unveiled plans to reduce Britain’s annual £12.5bn spend on Incapacity Benefit and Employment Support Allowance by slapping claimants in the face until they confess that there is nothing wrong with them that a bit of elbow grease wouldn’t fix.

At present, long-term liars who have successfully played the system for years are given Incapacity Benefit, while those who have tried it on more recently receive ESA free, gratis and for nothing.

“I’ve been around the block a few times, you know, and believe me, I’ve seen every scam in the book,” announced Mr Osborne. “Medical experts agree that no test can prove the existence of back pain, for example, which puts it slap bang in pixie and little-green-man territory. So anyone claiming for a bad back had jolly well better bring a living, breathing alien or a pocket-sized toadstool-squatter along with them, or they’ll be sent away with a thick ear.”

“Mental disorders, meanwhile, obviously only exist in people’s minds,” he laughed. “If everybody who met one of these fit-as-a-fiddle loafers were to tell them in a loud voice that there was absolutely bugger-all wrong with them, they’d soon come round to our way of thinking. The flat of my palm, I’ll have you know, is a great believer in the power of positive mental attitude.”

“And any old twit can push their bottom lip out with their tongue and bang their wrists together, so don’t even think of trying that one on with me,” scoffed the chancellor. “Why, I did it myself only the other day when that silly old duffer, Mr Cable, kept raising some boring objection or other as I was briefing him on my budget. But my bleeding-heart liberal colleagues can rest assured that I draw the line at slapping every spacker in Britain. I mean, I’d get their awful yucky drool all over my hand, wouldn’t I? And that wouldn’t do at all.”

“No, I think a boot up the backside would apply in their case,” he decided.

Heather Mills Enlists Celebrity Friends To Raise Disability Awareness Whether They Like It Or Not

Britain's showbiz community is living in fear of Heather Mills tonight, after the one-legged Beatle-shagger threatened to challenge popular misconceptions about disability - by maiming as many celebs as she can on a reality TV show she devised during a rare break from counting Paul McCartney's former money.

"People come up to me all the time - ordinary little people, just like you - and say, 'Heather Mills, it's really easy for you to hop about on one leg 'cos you're so beautiful and caring and kind,'" she snarled as she sharpened a vicious-looking scythe. "Well, actually it isn't easy at all, being a beautiful, kind, caring monopod. I love the ordinary little people, you know, I do - but Christ, they really are thick as pigshit. Time for caring, kind, beautiful me to put the record straight, with a little help from my showbiz mates."

High on the hitlist is ex-husband Sir Paul McCartney, who is earmarked for a terminal walletectomy. Viewers can also expect to see:

• Jeremy Clarkson struggling to expound his arsey, cocksure worldview as his genitals are located and removed from their denim confinement with the aid of tweezers;
• Fern Britton's dietary techniques revealed once and for all when her skin is slowly unpeeled;
• a drooling Stephen Fry sitting awestruck by Alan Davies' encyclopaedic knowledge, after being forcibly and severally trepanned with a Black & Decker drill;
• Cheryl Cole grunting like a sow on heat as her Autotune is unplugged by an expert sound engineer;
• Katie Price's plastic breasts trying to marry the next man they meet, once the rest of her has been surgically removed with extreme prejudice.

"Welcome, my famous friends, to Heather Mills' World of Disability," shrieked the inspirational model, philanthropist and wobbly skater, donning an ice hockey mask as she hopped on a bus to Notting Hill.

Serious Risk of Losing Sight, Legs and Kidneys To Diabetes Is Well Worth Giving Up Fags For, Scream Medics

New research published in the Annals of Internal Medicine, which demonstrates that smokers who give up their evil, murderous habit are more than twice as likely to develop type 2 diabetes than if they keep puffing away at their foul cancer sticks, has been angrily denounced by stürmbanndoktors as 'sodding inconvenient'.

US researchers from Johns Hopkins University, who made the deeply unhelpful discovery that quitters are 70% more likely to develop the condition than lifelong non-smokers, have said they are very sorry for revealing an awkward fact, and begged not to be struck off or used as experimental test subjects.

"What happens is that smokers who kick their filthy but appetite-suppressing habit rapidly bloat up like walruses at an all-you-can-eat seal buffet," said a goose-stepping official of the British National Socialist Medical Association. "And once they become hideous fat bastards, of course, they fall into the high-risk category for type 2 diabetes and serve them right. They can then look forward to a life-long likelihood of kidney failure, heart attacks, strokes, blindness caused by glaucoma or macular retinopathy, urinary tract infections and multiple amputations. So what? Obviously, the simple answer is to quit eating as well as smoking."

"I really can't see the problem here," he added. "Heil Hippocrates."

MPs 'Challenged' on Autism

Not enough is being done in Britain for adults with autism, warned Edward Leigh MP, the chairman of the Public Accounts Committee today.

"These unfortunate sufferers do not bear any physical signs of their terrible disability, which leads many ignorant people to accuse them of being workshy scroungers who should get a job and get a life," he sighed. "But autism is a real affliction, and its effects should be more widely recognised by the community at large."

"The autistic person lives in their own little bubble," he explained. "They have real difficulty in understanding anybody else's point of view but their own. This is compounded by problems with communication. They tend to have a simplistic, literal view of the things people say. For example, when people vote for them, they automatically assume that everyone agrees 100% with everything they say in their manifesto, which soon leads to disappointment and frustration."

"Autistic people often appear insensitive to how others are feeling, especially over little everyday things like expenses claims," Mr Leigh continued. "They shy away from social contact with the general population, shutting themselves away quite happily in their second homes which are their first homes for tax purposes until flipped - and they have real difficulty in expressing emotional concepts which neurotypicals take for granted, such as shame, dignity or honour. And they just can't look ahead to what might happen in the future as a consequence of their actions."

The committee's report went on to point out that the autistic have many good qualities, which people - and especially employers - should be made aware of.

"Autistic people can be extremely creative," said Mr Leigh. "Especially when it comes to accounting, as they tend to be rather handy at juggling big numbers in their heads. They also tend to get very enthusiastic and knowledgeable about their own particular interests - such as tax regulations, or mortgage relief."

Although the prominent backbench MP acknowledged that more time spent with their families would probably enhance the victims' social skills, he urged employers to offer more job opportunities - preferably at a boardroom level - to the autistic.

"As time goes on, more and more adults with autism are likely to find themselves wandering the streets - an environment for which, sadly, their condition leaves them ill-prepared," he warned. "Please help these unfortunates to keep helping themselves."

Bag of Bones Discovered in Pile of Rubbish At Tory Conference

A bag of bones unearthed at the Tory Party conference has been identified as the mortal remains of Ivan Cameron, a child born with cerebral palsy who died aged 6. The bones were found in a pile of old rubbish spoken by David Cameron in his closing speech.

"What a tragic fate for poor Ivan," said one shocked observer. "Not only to be born into a family with a history of Conservatism tainting their genes, but for his bones to be uncovered by his callous father and shamelessly waved around in front of TV cameras, just days after he declared war on the disabled. It's sickening. I hope they do the decent thing and bury him soon."

Mr Cameron's rallying speech also drew fully on his background in the PR and marketing industry - urging voters not to dwell on the actual impoverished misery they face when they wake up in the morning, but to picture instead a rosy, aspirational picture of Britain after the recession, in which everyone will drive their convertible along desert roads and traffic-free streets to a detached dream home with a living room large enough to swallow several three-piece suites and not be completely dominated by a 50-inch TV, a vast, beautifully-manicured garden full of happy, laughing children, a tropical rainforest for a bathroom and a huge, spotless kitchen equipped with a puce-uniformed woman who can show them how to make stains vanish in seconds.

The Acts of St Purnell

1. In these times there dwelt a Pharisee - a real son of a Pharisee - whose name was James, also known as Purnell, of the tribe known as the Blairites.

2. Now this James was a wealthy man, much loved by the ruling authorities, who did first raise him up to enrich the cultural life of the nation by urging the people to drink themselves stupid all night and to gamble away all of their hard-earned shekels, even unto the last coin.

2. And James did also enrich his own life by cleverly not rendering unto Caesar the capital gains tax that was Caesar's, through the designation of his primary dwelling as being his second home also. And the tax collectors marvelled at this wisdom, and did let it pass.

3. Presently, James was rewarded with power over all things that creep, crawl and otherwise propel their stricken limbs; yea, and also over those lame in spirit and mind who gibber in the darkness, the tribal elders in their homes and the ever-increasing numbers deemed shy of work.

4. And he did set about persecuting them with unholy zeal, for he did make the halt and the lame to jump through many demeaning hoops for their meagre allowance that is called Employment Support; and he did also promise to reward the less of Job with slavery.

5. And there was much gnashing of NHS teeth and rending of charity shop garments across the land; which did bring forth hymns of joy from the scribes of diverse daily parchments - yea, even unto the Daily Mail.

6. Then it came to pass that a glowering darkness did spread throughout the land, and the name of the darkness was Gordon.

7. Now the Blairites did tremble and call upon their Lord to save them.

8. But the Lord did forsake them; for, with a final wave of His hand, he declared his eternal love for the moneylenders of Switzerland and America; adding he would miraculously bring everlasting peace to the land of Israel, without quite specifying how or when.

9. In the meantime, however, James the Blairite did confound his enemies by swearing loyalty to Gordon, the usurper; and Gordon smiled on James, for he too nursed in his breast a deep hatred of the poor.

10. Yet the darkness grew, covering the houses and second houses of the mighty.

11. For James had not been the only one to deceive the tax collectors.

12. And James began to feel sore afraid for his seat, which had once been deemed safe, and became sore vexed, and looked into his heart for guidance as he set off on the road that leads to Deselection.

13. There James did discover a deep and hitherto unknown love for the long-abandoned ways of the Labour Party, which moved him to declare in all of the parchments that he had seen the error of Gordon's ways.

14. As the scales fell from his eyes, so James did call for a government that measures itself by how it treats the poorest in society.

15. And the poorest in society were sore amazed, shaking their heads and saying unto each other: "Has not this fatherless Purnell been our worst tormentor?"

16. And even the lepers did agree, saying, "Pull the other one - but not too hard; for it hath bells on it ."

17. But James heard them not, for he did turn his face from Gordon and shake the dust from his shoes, writing many epistles to the daily parchments.

18. And the multitude did rejoice; for, if they had not much respect for Purnell, yet their loathing for Gordon was greater by an hundredfold in comparison.

19. And though Purnell did swear that he sought not to wrest power from Gordon, still it was plain to all that it would be an entirely different matter the day after Gordon delivered the nation into the hands of its enemies.

20. And that blessed day did draw ever nearer, as many humble sinners were converted to James' way of thinking and repented; yea, even the shameful harlots who dress in the window.

21. And the Tories saw that it was good, and spoke privily among themselves, praising the Lord and saying: "If the poor thought this Purnell was bad, let them wait and see what we have planned."

Black-Hearted Fiend Attacks Disabled Kids

A deservedly-obscure backbench Labour MP has committed the unspeakable thought-crime of wantonly wondering why Britain is full of dyslexics when other countries aren't, the nasty little shit.

The heartless, depraved Graham 'Goebbels' Stringer pitilessly suggested that 10% of Britons might not be labelled as dyslexic if teachers agreed on one teaching technique and stuck to it, rather than 'confusing' their students with a barrage of different systems.

"If dyslexia really existed," ranted the clearly-deranged renegade, "Then countries as diverse as Nicaragua and South Korea would not have been able to achieve literacy rates of nearly 100%."

"Of course dyslexia is real," said an angry Shirley Cramer, chief executive of Dyslexia Action. "My job - and the jobs of thousands of other saintly experts - wouldn't exist if it wasn't."

"This brutal monster must be stopped," she pleaded, "Before he starts bundling your defenceless, disabled kiddies into the back of a van and slaughtering them all with Zyklon-B."

Every right-minded person in Britain was today clamouring for the renegade bastard MP for Blackley to be impaled on a spike - the richly-deserved fate of the producers of a malicious Channel 4 documentary some years ago, which insulted everyone by making the ridiculous, spiteful claim that dyslexia might be nothing more than a socially-acceptable label applied to nice middle-class children, rather than the 'learning difficulties' experienced by the illegitimate thicky underclass progeny of drug-addicted prostitutes on council estates.

Heretic education chiefs in Dumbartonshire, who ruthlessly eradicated dyslexia in their schools - recklessly discarding the tried-and-tested method of bombarding pupils with whatever systems individual teachers happened to like, dogmatically inflicting the unbelievable nonsense of so-called 'synthetic phonics' instead - were rightly dragged from their offices by a baying mob of concerned, caring citizens, tarred and feathered, then strung up from lamp-posts.

Thousands of incensed teachers have taken to the streets in protest against the criminal sociopath Stringer's vicious slurs, waving placards and banners reading: "fUkE Of fACiST!!!", "tEEChERZ no hOWe tOO tEECh", "hAY StiNGeR??? LEEV tHoes kiDDS ALOwN!!!!!!!!" and "StRiGNEr iS A CNUt".