End This Crazy Disability Bonanza, Government Tells Lords

Your kids don't get handed one of these to play with

The government today urged the House of Lords to pass the bill it promises will at last halt the obscenely generous gravy train ridden by Britain’s selfish disableds.

“Them thievin’ vultures been livin’ the life of Riley for twenty years now while the rest of us starve, thanks to all them state freebies what that bleedin’ lefty John Major give ‘em,” pleaded undernourished crips minister Maria Miller, as she sat forlornly outside the entrance to the upper chamber with a dog on a string. “Please, milord mate, give us a vote - else I swear I’ll just have to stop me poor little middle-income mums’ Wine Benefit ration, the poor darlin’s.”

The government faces an uphill struggle in trying to explain to Their Rebellious Lordships that most disabilities – including Parkinson’s, muscular dystrophy, Down’s syndrome, terminal cancer and permanent vegetative state – are really no more debilitating or long-lasting than man flu, or a paper cut.

“Them bone-idle buggers are just as capable of the same low-paid, dead-end jobs as any other dolescum, if they could only be arsed to put whatever functioning body parts they might possess into it.” mumbled Ms Miller - who had to curtail her former marketing consultancy activities when she was cruelly elected to the House of Commons in 2005, and now has to cover all her many needs on a grudging state handout of £97,139 plus a meagre expenses allowance.

“I tell you, milord mate, I bleedin’ wish I was disabled,” she sobbed convincingly. “An’ I tell yer, there’s lots of others what feels the same way.”