The Acts of St Purnell

1. In these times there dwelt a Pharisee - a real son of a Pharisee - whose name was James, also known as Purnell, of the tribe known as the Blairites.

2. Now this James was a wealthy man, much loved by the ruling authorities, who did first raise him up to enrich the cultural life of the nation by urging the people to drink themselves stupid all night and to gamble away all of their hard-earned shekels, even unto the last coin.

2. And James did also enrich his own life by cleverly not rendering unto Caesar the capital gains tax that was Caesar's, through the designation of his primary dwelling as being his second home also. And the tax collectors marvelled at this wisdom, and did let it pass.

3. Presently, James was rewarded with power over all things that creep, crawl and otherwise propel their stricken limbs; yea, and also over those lame in spirit and mind who gibber in the darkness, the tribal elders in their homes and the ever-increasing numbers deemed shy of work.

4. And he did set about persecuting them with unholy zeal, for he did make the halt and the lame to jump through many demeaning hoops for their meagre allowance that is called Employment Support; and he did also promise to reward the less of Job with slavery.

5. And there was much gnashing of NHS teeth and rending of charity shop garments across the land; which did bring forth hymns of joy from the scribes of diverse daily parchments - yea, even unto the Daily Mail.

6. Then it came to pass that a glowering darkness did spread throughout the land, and the name of the darkness was Gordon.

7. Now the Blairites did tremble and call upon their Lord to save them.

8. But the Lord did forsake them; for, with a final wave of His hand, he declared his eternal love for the moneylenders of Switzerland and America; adding he would miraculously bring everlasting peace to the land of Israel, without quite specifying how or when.

9. In the meantime, however, James the Blairite did confound his enemies by swearing loyalty to Gordon, the usurper; and Gordon smiled on James, for he too nursed in his breast a deep hatred of the poor.

10. Yet the darkness grew, covering the houses and second houses of the mighty.

11. For James had not been the only one to deceive the tax collectors.

12. And James began to feel sore afraid for his seat, which had once been deemed safe, and became sore vexed, and looked into his heart for guidance as he set off on the road that leads to Deselection.

13. There James did discover a deep and hitherto unknown love for the long-abandoned ways of the Labour Party, which moved him to declare in all of the parchments that he had seen the error of Gordon's ways.

14. As the scales fell from his eyes, so James did call for a government that measures itself by how it treats the poorest in society.

15. And the poorest in society were sore amazed, shaking their heads and saying unto each other: "Has not this fatherless Purnell been our worst tormentor?"

16. And even the lepers did agree, saying, "Pull the other one - but not too hard; for it hath bells on it ."

17. But James heard them not, for he did turn his face from Gordon and shake the dust from his shoes, writing many epistles to the daily parchments.

18. And the multitude did rejoice; for, if they had not much respect for Purnell, yet their loathing for Gordon was greater by an hundredfold in comparison.

19. And though Purnell did swear that he sought not to wrest power from Gordon, still it was plain to all that it would be an entirely different matter the day after Gordon delivered the nation into the hands of its enemies.

20. And that blessed day did draw ever nearer, as many humble sinners were converted to James' way of thinking and repented; yea, even the shameful harlots who dress in the window.

21. And the Tories saw that it was good, and spoke privily among themselves, praising the Lord and saying: "If the poor thought this Purnell was bad, let them wait and see what we have planned."