Despicable BBC Fiend Beheads Helpless Wheelchair Man With A Scythe

Millions of TV viewers sat in appalled silence yesterday as Ben Brown, a sadistic BBC torturer, savagely hacked the head off a cowering, helpless man in a wheelchair with a razor-sharp scythe in his demented, insatiable thirst for peak ratings.

Within seconds of the sickening live broadcast BBC switchboards were glowing red hot and exploding in showers of sparks, overloaded by an unprecedented flurry of outraged complaints.

“If ever I needed concrete proof - which I don’t - that the BBC is run entirely by vicious NAZI propagandist SCUM as nothing more than a fawning mouthpiece for the perverted diktats of that blood-curdling mass-murderer David HITLER and his strutting puppet Nick MUSSOLINI,” raged typical traumatised viewer Anne Arquette, “That moment surely came when, without a SHRED of mercy, poor Jody LenIntyre was brutally decapitated by that evil bastardfuckingfuckingcuntbastard BROWN, a mere six hours into Jody's deeply moving, entirely reasonable and unquestionably newsworthy exposé of vicious NAZI propagandist SCUM running the entire BBC as nothing more than a fawning mouthpiece for the perverted diktats of that blood-curdling mass-murderer David HITLER and his strutting puppet Nick MUSSOLINI (and you'd bloody well better leave all my CAPITAL LETTERS in).”

The new Holocaust starts now

“On top of that ATROCITY, there was ABSOLUTELY no possible justification for those sick FASCIST (and don’t even THINK about leaving the first S out to make me come across like some kind of IDIOT you smug patronising BASTAD, where was I yeah right) absolutely no justification for those sick FASCIST peadocuntscumotherfucking SICKOS on BBC Breakfast to gloatingly prop his lifeless body up in his blood-drenched WHEELCHAIR, sellotape his HEAD back on and mockingly bang their WRISTS together as they threw their guffawing heads back and drove a sodding great TANK backwards and forwards over him," she wailed, "Reducing this tragic martyr of TRUTH to a nauseating crimson gore squelching obscenely up through the TRACKS.”

“I’m writing one hell of a note about this on FACEBOOK,” she added vehemently. “That’s going to finally bring a welcome end to the crypto-fascist BBC’s unspeakable reign of TERROR, passing the CONTROL of our airwaves into the gentle, freedom-loving hands of, er, Rupert MURDOCH. Okay, so I may not exactly have thought this one through but that’s NEVER stopped me before and it‘s certainly not going to hold me up NOW.”

Incredibly, a jackbooted spokesman for the BBC later made a cynical attempt to defend his loathsome organisation.

“As a responsible propagandist, it was Ben Brown’s difficult duty to put to Mr LenIntyre the sort of difficult questions which the typical viewer - with only an average understanding of terrible afflictions such as cerebral palsy, chronic inflammation of the ego and the dreaded screaming trots - might legitimately expect to hear answered,” intoned Sturmbanneditor Kevin Goebbels, a heartless deputy apologist from the BBC’s feared and hated propaganda room. “Questions like ‘You talk pretty bloody well for a spacker - are you quite sure you’re disabled?’, ‘Why can’t you just read the Daily Mail, like normal people?’ and ‘Who, for the love of Christ, did that to your hair?’ – there are the very essence of the lofty ideals of reportage.”

“This is what we cynical, seasoned apologists of repression laughingly refer to as ‘balance’,” he bellowed in rising tones to a stadium filled to capacity with hysterical BBC sympathisers. “During the course of his six-hour interrogation, Mr LenIntyre was granted an unprecedented number of opportunities to restate his colourful but imaginary version of the sequence of events which unfolded after the unfortunate PC Savage somehow caught up his watch strap in a loose thread from Mr LenIntyre’s manky sleeve. However, the fiftieth time that useless mouth deliberately charged off at a tangent to recite whole chapters from his manifesto, Ben was left with no other option but to gently but firmly steer the interview back into the realm of topicality. With a scythe. Really, I don’t see what all the fuss is about. And take my advice: neither do you.”

The Metropolitan Police and the coalition government, meanwhile, have issued an amusing statement condemning the lefty BBC, expressing the sincere hope that the public consciousness will remain focused on the real issue of underlying importance: i.e. allowing their butterfly-like attention to float randomly away from all the dubious nonsense the government hopes to shove through as fast as it can before all the hullaballoo dies down.