Recession Ends As Blue People Win Thing

Shiny thing make it all better

The British public were still dancing deliriously in every street up and down the land this morning after blue-shirted people won a shiny thing and red-shirted people didn’t, causing the recession to disappear forever.

Not in other news:

Europe Reverts To Hunter-Gatherer Existence 

NHS Abolished 

Badgers Awarded Benefits As Disabled Cull Begins

Football Fans Consumed By Collective Guilt

Angst-ridden football supporters are united today in blaming Fabrice Muamba’s life-threatening on-pitch heart failure solely on their own selfish need to be entertained by fast-paced action.

Whoever would have thought football could be so degrading?

“This is all my fault,” said every footy fan today in an orgy of critical self-loathing. “What sort of callous, degraded excuse for a human being am I to expect my fellow men to push their frail bodies to the very brink of death, merely to briefly satisfy my insatiable craving for excitement? It’s as cruel and inhuman as gladiators hacking each other to pieces in the Colosseum. Well, I swear I won’t ever set foot inside a football stadium again, not for as long as I live. My conscience will never let me.”

“This pointless tragedy has finally opened my eyes,” each ashamed supporter admitted. “Anyone who still thinks it’s in any way acceptable to drool over this brutal contest deserves to be shunned by decent folk.”

“No game is worth a man’s life,” added the remorse-filled fans. “I’m cancelling my Sky subscription immediately, because I sense this must be something to do with Rupert Murdoch. He’s turned me into a baying, blood-drenched fiend, using hypnosis or something. Yes, that must be it. Everything’s his fault, the murdering bastard.”

War With FIFA!

At 11 o’clock this morning prime minister David Cameron solemnly told the people of Britain that he had issued a warning to FIFA’s president, Sepp Blatter, demanding that he withdraw his ban on England players wearing poppies, but that the deadline had now expired and a state of war now existed between Britain and football’s governing body.

Massed ranks of football fans are being mobilised, he added, to seize and occupy key strategic football pitches which have been identified as vital to FIFA’s ability to wage football.

Remember the fallen

“FIFA’s unprovoked attack on the defenceless poppy demonstrates a callous contempt for the loss of millions of lives,” Mr Cameron told a cheering parliament. “We shall fight on the coaches, we shall fight on the playing fields, we shall fight in the streets. We shall never surrender.”

“Let us therefore brace ourselves to our foreigner-kicking duties,” he continued, to a standing ovation and rousing cheers from MPs of all parties, “And so bear ourselves that if British football and its players’ wealth last for a thousand years, fans will still say: this was their finest hour.”

“Here we go, here we go, here we go again,” reflected sombre battle-scarred veterans of the Moan To End All Moans, which their generation fought over Britain’s historic right to host the World Cup.

BBC Viewers Looking Forward To Sir Alex Ferguson Shouting ‘Fuck’ Again

Sir Alex contemplates whether to stick with 'fuck', or ring the changes

Manchester United manager Sir Alex Ferguson has agreed to lifted his seven-year boycott against the BBC, allowing terrestrial viewers to experience once again the delights of his potty-mouthed rants.

Sir Alex brought his self-imposed ban to an end by telling a wincing BBC reporter: “Those FA clusterfucks can piss up their fucking arseholes until they fucking realise how fucking important this fucking club is. We’ve produced more fucking players for this crappy country than any other fucking club in the fucking world! Those fucking wankers ought to be fucking queuing the fuck up to suck my bastard cock instead of shitting on us all the fucking time. How fucking dare they piss all over wanker Rooney just for fucking swearing at a bastard TV camera, for the holy love of fuck? Fuck me sideways, I do that for a fucking living! Now piss off, you little BBC cunt.”

“It’s a beautiful game,” spluttered red-faced BBC veteran Gary Lineker, spitting out a mouthful of crisps.

Meanwhile, BBC marketing chiefs are already looking forward to lucrative Christmas sales of a hurriedly-designed Alex Ferguson mask aimed at young Manchester United fans, with a built-in voice chip which will turn every word - except prepositions - into an electronic bleep.

Gaddafi Surrenders To Heroic Rebel Footballers

The Libyan conflict came to a spectacular end today, as Colonel Gaddafi surrendered unconditionally to the invincible might of 17 football heroes who added their strength to the rebel forces.

Juma Gtat (possibly)

“What good is a rocket barrage against the missile-deflecting agility of legendary goalkeeper Juma Gtat?” he moaned as he signed the instrument of surrender. “How can lumbering tanks possibly crush nimble-footed rebels trained by the nation’s top coach, Adel bin Issa?”

“I have seen Escape To Victory, so I know that even Adolf Hitler had no answer to good midfield play and a solid defence,” wailed the defeated dictator as he was led away to relegation.

Britain Asks NATO To Back Demands For FIFA Regime Change

Blatter can run, but he can't kick

As the hated tyrant Sepp Blatter tightens his grip on his corrupt FIFA fiefdom, the increasingly-isolated football associations of Great Britain have sent desperate pleas to NATO Headquarters in Brussels, asking the 28 member countries of the Western alliance to support their uprising with military assistance.

The UN Security Council is holding an emergency summit tomorrow to consider the wider implications of the ‘Arsehole Spring’ movement which is rapidly spreading throughout the world of football, although the US delegation is likely to veto any resolution that does not refer exclusively to ‘soccer’.

The de facto head of the FA rebels, chairman David Bernstein, warned that Blatter was a scheming, power-crazed dictator who was capable of the utmost ruthlessness in disposing of his rivals - including would-be presidential rival Mohammed Bin Handout, who has not been seen alive since a fanatical Revolutionary Fraud hit-squad laid siege to his office.

Privately, however, many of the leaders of NATO countries have expressed their doubts about the legitimacy of the so-called rebels.

“Who are these people, and what is their real agenda?” demanded French president Nicolas Sarkozy. “We know nothing at all about them, except that they command the unquestioning loyalty of a motley rabble of fanatical xenophobes, and get rather a lot of their funding from dubious Russian sources.”

Why Oh Why Don’t Our Lefty Police Chiefs Declare War On Gun-Toting Darkies? Wails Daily Mail

Ashley Cole receives his orders for the ethnic cleansing of Belgravia

The Daily Mail today bravely broke ranks with the rest of Britain’s politically-correct tabloids, delivering an impassioned plea to the nation’s bleeding-heart liberal police forces to man up and blast tooled-up darkie gangs like Chelsea FC from our bullet-riddled streets once and for all.

“How much longer must the white race cower in fear behind our curtains while Ashley Cole rampages through suburbia with impunity, black as a coalman and potting away at his betters with a tommy gun?” begged editor Paul Dacre.

“Chelsea used to be a decent area,” stammered fearful local resident Harold Jonathan Esmond Vere Harmsworth, 4th Viscount Rothermere, who only spoke to the Mail under conditions of strict anonymity. “Then these swarthy foreign devils swarmed into the borough, lured by the ill-gotten coin of their swaggering kingpin, Roman Abramovich – a Christ-murdering Jew, by the sound of it, or I’m a Chinaman – and holding their unspeakable cabbalistic voodoo ceremonies right on the doorstep of our dearly departed Imperial forefathers resting in Brompton Cemetery.”

The gangsters brazenly flaunt their hideout, yet the police do nothing

“Time was when one could see those johnnies off by swiftly taking a stick to their dusky hides, whenever one spied them brazenly walking along the same pavement as a precious white memsahib in broad daylight, if you please,” he spluttered indignantly. “But I confess I was somewhat put out when sambo Cole pulled a Mauser on me one day and openly threatened to break a cap in my fundament.”

“Those were his exact words,” he added vehemently.

Richard Littlejohn, the Mail’s foremost wordsmith, threw down a gauntlet to Britain’s loony-left chief constables – and in particular the notoriously gun-shy, homosexualist-loving Commissioner Sir Kim Jong-Stephenson of the Metropolitan force – calling for an immediate artillery barrage upon all those gangsters of the coloured persuasion who now defile the nation’s most sacred football grounds, the grandstands echoing with unintelligible heathen chanting as they gleefully force true-blue labouring-class captives like plucky little Wayne Rooney to dance for his life amid a hail of bullets.

Meanwhile, in an accompanying op-ed article, charming gentleman columnist Peter Hitchens bravely taxed many delicate lady readers’ sensitivities with the unwelcome but necessary revelation that many of Mr Abramovich’s nig-nog hordes were “this long.”

Pub Landlady Destroys Entire Economic Structure Of Football

Karen Murphy contemplates a lifetime of dodging Sun hacks

Portsmouth pub landlady Karen Murphy is celebrating today with a small glass of wine, after single-handedly bringing down the entire financial edifice of the world of football.

A non-binding opinion from Advocate General Juliane Kokott of the European Court of Justice suggests that it may not be entirely fair for broadcasters like Sky to throw unimaginably vast buckets of money into football in return for exclusive regional broadcasting rights which they then recoup by helping themselves to the contents of football addicts’ increasingly threadbare bank accounts and wallets.

On hearing the catastrophic judgement, which will see their fees plummet from millions of pounds to about £50 per match plus bus fare for away games, hundreds of top footballers immediately hanged themselves with their own bootlaces, while the FA and UEFA swiftly filed for bankruptcy.

However, Sky’s CEO James Murdoch vowed to fight the decision, which will probably not be ratified by the full European Court of Justice once Mr Murdoch’s papers explain to its members just how much dirt they have gathered on each of them.

“But if that fails,” warned Mr Murdoch, “We’re declaring war on Greece. It’s as simple as that.”

Gay Footy Fans Thank Blatter For Timely Advice

This could be interesting

FIFA president Sepp Blatter was thanked today by millions of gay fans all over the world who were planning to go to Qatar for the World Cup after he advised them to write a little reminder in their 2022 diaries to weld themselves into chastity belts for the duration of the tournament, unless perhaps they happened to have a masochistic streak coupled with a strong penchant for deferred gratification.

“My attention has just been drawn to some slightly less-than-liberal views apparently held by the Qataris on matters of homosexuality,” Mr Blatter told a press conference in Durban. “Unlike most Middle Eastern states, which generally turn a blind eye as far as this particular piece of Sharia law is concerned, unfortunately it seems that just being seen holding hands with another man in Qatar might get you a public flogging and ten years in a hell-hole prison. So I should imagine you really wouldn’t want to be found up his bottom.”

“But hey, let’s try a little optimism!” he added cheerfully. “After all, for all we know the Qataris might very well change their minds, embrace their brothers and transform their Islamic emirate into a secular, open-minded republic at any time in the next twelve years. Only the most cynical pessimist could possibly say it couldn’t happen.”

“Here at FIFA we are fully committed to promoting fairness and equality, which can be a difficult balancing act at times,” he stressed. “On the one hand we have to take the terrible consequences of ignorance and bigotry into account, whilst on the other hand we have several large bags filled with money going into our Swiss bank accounts.”

Mr Blatter apologised for bringing the briefing to an early close, as he had a meeting with one or two black players who were apparently a bit bothered about something or other to do with Russia.

THRUSH Picks Secret Volcano Island Base, Sun To Host World Cups

Angry UK football fans are furious with The Man From AUNTIE, blaming international crime syndicate THRUSH’s controversial choice of a secret base inside a hollowed-out volcano and the surface of the sun for the 2018 and 2022 World Cup competitions on Napoleon Solo’s hard-hitting undercover report.

Bloody investigative reporters

“The overwhelming evidence of massive THRUSH corruption gathered by the dashing Mr Solo and his trusty fellow reporter, Ilya Kuryakin, at great personal risk to themselves surely proves that this was a perfectly legitimate topic for investigation,” retorted AUNTIE’s Director-General, Mr Waverley, in response to demands from irate football supporters for the immediate shutdown of his organisation. “Besides, by 2018 Britain will be buried forever under a glacier half a mile thick.”

Fans, however, still insist that Mr Solo’s microfilm, rather than monumental bribery on an international scale, was responsible for THRUSH’s perverse decision – despite strenuous refutals from the organisation itself.

“Our decision to award the hosting of the 2018 World Cup to a secret island base somewhere in the Pacific Ocean was based entirely on the imaginative presentation by SPECTRE bid leader Ernst Stavro Blofeld of $500 million in unmarked banknotes,” said an anonymous THRUSH operative. “His evil henchmen are already hard at work constructing a dozen underground stadia which, they promise, will be filled to capacity by football fans kidnapped from all over the world.”

“These fans will be held hostage for four years,” he explained, “At which point they will be delivered by a series of rockets straight to the next host venue, the sun, in return for exclusive rights to all forms of solar energy, the profits from which Mr Blofeld’s organisation has kindly offered to split 50/50 with us.”

“It’s ingenious, diabolical and exploitative,” he added. “I wish we’d thought of it ourselves.”

Sky Announces Plan To Put You Inside A Television

With the launch of its much-trumpeted 3D-football-with-7.1-THX-surround-vuvuzelas channel now confirmed for October 1st, Sky has announced that it is now working on a surround-vision television that will encase you completely, further enhancing the realistic disappointment-of-seeing-your-team-lose-again experience.

The six-foot cube will feature not one, but six hideously expensive 3D screens, and the enclosed football addict will float freely in 1300 gallons of chilled lager, wearing a special 3D facemask connected to an air tank. It is expected to cost £3 million, plus £20000 a month in subscription fees – although £17,000 of that goes on replenishing the lager, which Sky bosses assure customers is a bonus really, if you think about it.

“It’s not cheap,” admitted one of Britain’s many football addicts, “But nothing should come between me and the beautiful game. Not the wife, not the kids, not the house - nothing.”

Fans who still do not have Rupert Murdoch beaming stupidity into their heads 24 hours a day have been advised that there may be another way to achieve the total right-there-on-the-pitch experience.

“We think it’s at least theoretically possible to form together into ‘clubs’, go to a sports shop, buy a ball and kick it around for 90 minutes,” said a clever man in a laboratory with a clipboard.

Get Your Sorry Black Ass Over Here, FIFA Tells Mandela

A grieving Nelson Mandela has been told by Sepp Blatter to stop his pathetic sobbing over the death of his great granddaughter - who died in a car crash on the way home from a pre-tournament concert - and drag his sorry black ass over to tonight’s World Cup final match between Spain and the Netherlands, or else.

“Now look here, kaffer, you’ve already used that feeble excuse to bunk off the opening ceremony,” said the FIFA president. “In case you hadn’t noticed, we own your toytown country for the duration of the championship – and that includes you, fuzzy. If this stiff is so goddamned important to you, you can bloody well drag it along with you tonight, do you hear me?”

“I’ll just tell you this once, you good-for-nothing layabout,” he raged. “If you’re not on that pitch, dancing your little rainbow socks off with tonight’s winners, we’ll be demanding full payment of the $600m your piss-ant little tribe’s had from the sweat of our labours, in addition to the tax-free $1bn we’ve made ourselves. Do I make myself clear?”

“And bloody get there on time, too, boy,” added the white football master. “I’m not going to be fobbed off with some old crap about the dog eating you, or white boys shoving you around on the way to the stadium. If that happens, I shall have to beat you, you understand? I want to see you wearing one of those multicoloured ethnic shirts, by the way, not dressed up in black. I hate black.”

The beautiful game kicks off at 7.30pm.

England Fans Finally Beginning To Understand Why Their Teams Are Full Of Foreigners

As the FA meets to consider how Fabio Capello will be publicly executed, millions of sobbing England football fans are starting to exhibit early signs that a glimmer of understanding has dawned on them, linking the preponderance of foreign players in the domestic leagues in some way to their national side’s lacklustre performance in the World Cup.

In comparison to the lithe, gazelle-like foreign teams bounding majestically across the South African turf, England’s stumpy native players can easily be distinguished by prominent, ridged brows which overshadow their little piggy eyes as they extend down to their prognathous lower jaws, making them resemble monstrous troll/clam hybrids, or possibly Klingons with alopecia.

“It looks like our century-long pedigree breeding programme, taking advantage of rampant inner-city incest to produce the perfect footballer, may have backfired horribly,” conceded an FA spokesman, shortly after the national side’s crashing 4-1 humiliation at the hands of the German side.

The tennis at Wimbledon is suddenly achieving record viewing figures, however, as disgusted fans turn their backs on the World Cup and switch their loyal support to Andy Murray.

“I hear this Murray bloke’s in with a bloody good chance of putting the ball in the net,” grunted a typical tearstained fan, cheering loudly at every bad serve. “What? Oh.”

Meanwhile, somewhere in the world, Lewis Hamilton’s rocket-powered bathtub was beaten into second place by somebody or other - probably a foreigner - although nobody was there to see it.

Drunk England Declared A Hazard To Navigation

International maritime officials today designated England a major shipping hazard, after the drink-sodden nation celebrated its World Cup victory over Slovenia by wrenching itself away from Scotland and Wales and staggering obnoxiously around the North Sea.

The unprecedented seismic event began at 15:23 BST, just after striker Jermain Defoe remembered the point of playing football and managed to put a ball in a net. The sozzled island nation reacted by lurching free from the European continental shelf – creating a kilometre-high tsumani in the process, which is expected to cause unimaginable devastation along the New England coastline around 23:00 Eastern Daylight Time – and staggering into the North Atlantic, colliding with Portugal and knocking it loose from Spain, before running past the west coast of Ireland shouting gibberish.

In a geological singularity which seismologists will be puzzling over for years to come, England then grasped Cornwall and Kent and pulled them up over Cumbria and Northumberland. It then charged blindly into Norway - where it was violently sick - before trying unsuccessfully to barge past Denmark into the Baltic Sea.

After spending several unconvincing minutes embarrassing itself by repeatedly insisting that Germany was its best mate in the world ever, England then tripped over Scotland and briefly knocked itself senseless against Belgium. When it came to, it called France a wanker several times before wandering off aimlessly in the general direction of Greenland.

“Unfortunately England has a tendency to drink to excess at the best of times, and this is exacerbated whenever a millionaire kicks a ball,” said a spokesman for the International Maritime Organisation. “Fortunately we anticipated this situation, and all shipping has been rerouted into the Mediterranean for the next 24 hours - by which time England will probably be feeling like shit, having woken up late for work and covered in piss.”

The EU is convening a special meeting later, in which mainland Europe’s heads of state will eagerly scrutinise the Maastricht Treaty to see if England’s antics provide a convenient excuse for kicking it out.

Holiday In South Africa (extended version)

(with apologies to the Dead Kennedys)

So you played the pools for a year or two
And you know you've seen it all
Flags on your car and a vuvuzela
Back home your type don't crawl

Show the world you’re a lout blastin’ James Corden’s ‘Shout’
From your 10-watt stereo
Braggin': “Fabio’s got the team for the goals
And we’ll win without Rio”

It's time to taste what you most fear
Rooney will not help you here
Brace yourself, my dear:

It's a holiday in South Africa
It's football, but we’re shite
It's a holiday in South Africa
Paint your fat face red and white.

You're a pot-bellied fan, you scream “In-gur-land!”
You want everyone to ‘respeck’ you
Kick ass while you drip at the cost of the strip
While the players get richer off you

Well you'll look stupid with a gun in your back
For causing an affray
Shout for a consul till you starve
Then your ass is served up on a plate

Now you can go where people are one
Now you can go to a mixed-race prison
What you need, my son:

Is a holiday in South Africa
Where the folks are mostly black
A holiday in South Africa
Where you’ve landed in the cack

Ing Lund, Ing Lund, Ing Lund, Ing Lund, [etc]

Ex-ten-ded holiday in South Africa
Where you'll do what you're told
A holiday in South Africa
Where you’ll look like an arsehole -
Inglund!

(Don’t forget to pre-order the unofficial follow-up hit - ‘I Fought The Boer’!)

England World Cup Team Dedicate Predictably Ignominious Defeat To Troops In Afghanistan

With a touching lack of irony, the England squad has responded to messages of support from serving UK troops by affirming that our brave boys’ and girls’ ongoing effort in Afghanistan is inspiring them to struggle against insuperable odds towards inevitable defeat and a humiliating withdrawal.

“Although I am unable at this time to offer a firm timescale, I am confident that Wayne Rooney and the others - whose names escape me - will at some point in the not-too-distant future be making a low-key return to Britain with their tails between their legs,” promised Fabio Capello. “When that happens, be sure that I will do my best to assure you that something worthwhile was achieved.”

Greater Manchester Police Deny Links To United After Fining Five City Players

Manchester City fans have angrily demanded a full public inquiry into alleged links between the local police force and rivals Manchester United FC, after five City players were each fined £30 for having tinted windows on their cars in a targeted 'sting' operation.

In a meticulously-planned operation, police officers and representatives of the Vehicle Operator Services Agency lay in wait in Carrington Lane, leaping out as the players arrived for training and slapping fixed penalty notices on the darkened windows of cars belonging to Shay Given, Tolo Coure, Shaun Wright-Phillips, Patrick Vieira and Stephen Ireland.

"Unlike the police, I can't help noticing there's two football teams in Manchester," said one disgruntled City fan, who is trying to organise a whip-round on Facebook to pay the players' fines. "Funny, that."

"This is a very serious allegation," said a spokesman for Greater Manchester Police, "And the knife-owning thugs, car thieves and drug dealers making it would do well to remember that we know where they live."

Meanwhile, City's press officer refused to confirm that the windows were in fact tinted on the inside, in order to spare the wealthy team-mates from having to look at the appalling poverty and shanty-town hovels of their loyal supporters.

Our National Sport

As a bankrupt Britain moves closer to the most important election in a generation, the media swung into action to explain the issues people face in their struggle to keep their heads above water - by throwing huge sums of money at the owner of the orifice that proved irrestistible to a man who gets paid stupid amounts just to kick a ball around.

"The story of Vanessa Perroncel's fadge is, quite simply, the story of everybody in Britain," explained publicist Max Clifford this morning. "She just lay there with a big dopey grin on her face, while rich morons queued up to shaft her senseless."

Ingurlund Win World Cup

Jubilant football fans were still dancing in the streets today, after Ingurlund's stunning World Cup victory yesterday.

With the Ingurlund side drawn against Alaska, Sealand and Pluto in Group C of the tournament, the coveted cup is coming home to Ingurlund without the need for a single kick.

"How can we lose?" smiled team manager Fabio Capello. "The Alaskans have to float all the way to South Africa on an ice floe. The current's against them, the polar bear will be getting hungry and the ice will melt soon anyway. Even if they crossed the Atlantic safely, they'd only trip over their mukluks and die of heatstroke."

"As for Sealand - the abandoned artillery platform in the Channel which was occupied by a retired major who declared its independence in 1967 - they haven't actually had a football team since their ball went over the side in 2003 and floated away," he added. "And the Plutonian team won't reach Earth until 2012. Can I have the trophy now, please? I've cleared a place on the mantelpiece."

World Cup organisers have today sounded a note of caution, however, pointing out that the draw only covers the first round of the tournament - meaning that the victors of Group C will still have to play against other teams, some of whom are actually quite good and know what a goal looks like.

"It don't matter," yelled a drunken football fan lying in a gutter in Kentish Town. "After smashing the eskimoes, the pirate crew and the little green men, our brave boys will be so confident nuffink will stop 'em. Ingurlund! Ingurlund! Ingurlund!"

England's Internet-Only World Cup Match Causes Massive Technofear Among Football Fans

England's world cup qualifier against Ukraine will be broadcast exclusively over the internet, it was announced today - prompting howls of anguish from football fans as it was patiently explained to them that just because they can play FIFA 10 on their second-hand PS2, it does not necessarily mean it is capable of downloading Saturday's live video stream of the match from service provider Perform.

"Paruntly right I got 'ave samfink corled a camputa innit?" said one baffled England supporter. "Me missus sez she got one at work like, but they'll be shut wunt they 'cos iss Satdee jenotameen? Praps if she arskt all nice like an' givd 'er boss a quick flash uv 'er baps, joo fink ee'd let 'er borra it?"

More enterprising fans are already out casing middle-class residential areas looking for suitable homes to burgle, but admit they have no idea how to plug a PC into the telly or tune it into the internet.

Meanwhile, harassed pub managers are struggling desperately to connect the knackered beige Tiny on which they do their accounts to their massive plasma screens.

"Where the fack's the VGA socket on a Panasonic Viera TX-P42V10 telly?" wailed one cable-festooned landlord. "I wonder if I kin git an artside caterin' licence for Currys' frant windah?"