Unions Urge Labour Party To Cut Disability Costs

Union leaders are continuing to demand action from the Labour Party on the thorny issue of disability cuts, after chronic disability Miliband 2 pointedly refused to discuss his crippling leadership.

Look - he's perfectly capable of doing Mr Cameron's job

“This pitiful waster is costing the Labour movement millions of votes it simply can’t afford to go without,” wailed Len McCluskey, general secretary of Unite, as the stumbling leader of the opposition lamely chose not to make any reference to unpopular welfare reforms pushed through the House of Lords yesterday during his long self-pitying whine about his own special problems.

Meanwhile, Lord Fraud – who successfully steered the government’s controversial bill through the upper chamber last night by explaining that disabled people were a sub-species of crab and, although there was no evidence for it, it was a scientific fact - chipped in by pointing out that there were many useful jobs which Miliband 2 was perfectly capable of, such as leading the Labour Party to defeat at the next general election.

Labour: ‘We Told You The Welfare State Was An Evil Liberal Conspiracy’

Exterminate

Miliband 2, the robot who is apparently the fruition of generations of the hopes and dreams of the working class, is set to announce today that the Labour Party has always maintained that the welfare state was created by twisted Liberal traitor David Lloyd George for the sole purpose of hastening the collapse of the British Empire.

Once plugged in, Mr 2 will tell Britain what it loves to hear - namely that the jobless, the infirm and the elderly dream of nothing but stealing the food out of the very mouths of your starving kids.

“There is no war but class war,” Mr 2 is expected to drone. “That’s you, me and the Tories, united in solidarity against these thieving underclass bastards. How dare they have nothing? How bloody dare they? Let’s take it away from them.”

Yawning Miliband Emerges From Giant Teapot, Reads Headlines For First Time In Weeks

Do not disturb until April

Labour leader Miliband Two has woken up from a three-week nap inside his favourite teapot and noticed some sort of protest going on, he announced sleepily this morning.

“I don’t know quite what all this fuss is about,” he yawned, rubbing his eyes with his little paws, “Are they upset about the noise from church bells? They wake me up sometimes.”

When informed that the St Paul’s protest had something to do with rising popular anti-capitalism sentiments, Mr Miliband declared that he was sure he was probably on their side before disappearing back inside his teapot to hibernate for the next six months.

Meanwhile, former Lazards Investment Bank chairman Ken Costa, who now promotes the evangelical Alpha Course brainwashing programme, told the Sunday Telegraph that the finance industry had somehow lost sight of the need to do good – which, he insisted, used to be the sole factor motivating investors back in the day when he was running things according to God’s plan.

“I urge everyone in the City to accept Jesus Christ as their personal Lord and Saviour,” he suggested. “Go on, give each other a big, loving hug and tell your clients the good news that Jesus will sort it all out.”

Labour Tempts Students With Lifetime Of Slightly Less Debt

Miliband 2, the regent of the Labour Party until anyone better comes along, has single-handedly recaptured the youth vote today by dangling the promise of a marginally smaller mountain of crushing debt for future generations of impoverished graduates to defer.

"We're going to get lots of people, talented people, put off from going to university by £9,000 fees,” droned the lesser Miliband, speaking before his party conference begins to address the vexing question of how to differentiate themselves from the other two parties. “But if those fees were slashed to a trifling £6,000 a year, I guarantee they’d be stampeding into higher education.”

Students can barely contain their glee

Miliband 2 went on to dream that his extraordinary munificence would be funded by retaining the current level of corporation tax which his party’s rich corporate friends strenuously avoid paying, and by charging higher interest on the student loans of graduates who stroll into the millions of jobs paying more than £65,000 which exist only in his imagination.

“Let me see now. Under the Conservatives, I’m going to have to hack away an impossible £27,000 debt mountain - not counting the interest - before I could even contemplate a mortgage and kids,” said one sixth-former, who is hoping that a good degree in Engineering might one day swing him a part-time job stacking shelves in a supermarket for £6.50 an hour. “But, under Labour, I’d only have to clear an impossible £18,000? Please excuse my tears of gratitude.”

“This is a truly fantastic deal for students,” smiled utterly independent NUS President and Labour Party member Liam Burns, through gritted teeth. “Vote Labour.”

Miliband Boldly Places Labour Party In New ‘Soft Centre’ Of Politics

Ed Miliband, the boy who won the Labour Party in a raffle, today vowed to steer his party into a new ‘soft centre’ of British politics, after millionaire playboy and erstwhile jobbing prime minister Tony Blair took time out from counting his income from two global bank directorships to urge the party not to lurch to the left.

It looks like a nipple - it must be Miliband

To the guitar accompaniment of Andrew Marr playing ‘The Boy With The Thorn In His Side’, Mr Miliband told viewers: “I've had conversations in private which have been good conversations with Tony Blair, with him patting me on the head and giving me a shiny new 50p coin, but let me just say this - it all depends on where you think the centre ground is. Some barmy old folks like Mr Marshall-Andrews and Mr Skinner keep insisting that the left is on one side of the centre and the right is on the other, but that’s a very simplistic way of looking at things.”

“No, the truth is that hundreds of Conservatives are on one side of the government and a few dozen Liberal Democrats are on the other,” he sang. “So the hard centre of politics is obviously somewhere almost exactly in the middle of the Conservatives. But I don’t want anyone to think that supporting Labour is hard, because it’s not. Well, I’m not. Ask anyone in the shadow cabinet, and they’ll tell you I’m incredibly soft. In fact they’re often urging me to take my leadership style even further, by telling me I must be soft in the head. And I’m open enough to take that on board, thank them for their advice and work on it.”

Speculation is rife as to which soft centre best describes the Labour Party under Mr Miliband, with opinions divided sharply between the coffee crème which nobody wants and the vanilla fudge.

Toothless Miliband Urges Replacement of Toothless Press Complaints Commission With New Toothless Press Complaints Committee

Leadership indeed

The toothless leader of the toothless Labour Party, Ed Miliband, today issued a toothless call for the toothless, self-serving Press Complaints Commission to be axed in the wake of the dramatic closure of the News Of The World, and urged Britain’s newspapers to set up a new and equally toothless Press Complaints Committee in its place.

“Blah blah blah,” droned his toothless hole, as he toothlessly pointed out that self-regulation was a toothless safeguard against media excesses, only to suggest self-regulation as a particularly toothless solution.

He went on, toothlessly, to add that David Cameron had made a bit of an error of judgement in employing former NotW editor Andy Coulson as his director of communications, and toothlessly called for an apology from the prime minister.

Observers noted that Mr Miliband appeared desperate to avoid even the most toothless reference to Rupert Murdoch or his son James, both of whom are thought to have very active teeth.

Labour Has Lost Touch With The Papers, Admits Miliband

Whatever they say, that's public opinion

In a frank acknowledgement of defeat at the polls last year, Labour leader Ed Miliband told activists at a policy forum that his party became sadly out of touch with the very people whose opinions matter most - namely press barons Rupert Murdoch, Lord Rothermere, Richard Desmond and the Barclay brothers.

“We went from six people making decisions in a smoke-filled committee room to six people making the decisions from a sofa in Whitehall, which proves that a) the cabinet doesn’t really matter very much, b) we were observing the smoking ban and c) Whitehall has some pretty impressive sofas,” droned Mr Miliband. "But the papers were trying to tell us what their owners wanted us to say. They were telling us that each and every one of the country’s woes can be firmly laid at the door of bastard immigrants and filthy rich dolescum. We didn’t listen to their deafening silence on corporate tax evasion and the insatiable demands of capitalism.”

Mr Miliband is keen to remove the tiresome clause in Labour’s constitution that allows unreformed socialists like Dennis Skinner any say in the composition of the shadow cabinet.

"I want us to be an alternative government," he said. "Exactly like the current government, in fact, only with a different logo. And the only way to achieve that is to have all the shadow cabinet dutifully chanting whatever the Sun says.”

“Immigrants out! Kick the sick! Bring back the workhouse!” he added, in the hope that one of his speeches might finally make front-page headlines. “Labour makes you free!”

Disenfranchised Millions Tell Miliband: ‘No, We’re Over Here’

Mr Miliband shows his followers (if any) the Right way

Ed Miliband - who leads the Labour Party, apparently - has announced that the reason his party was voted out of power was a popular misconception that they were in some way interested in the plight of the poor, and vowed to take his party into new realms of mean-spiritedness somewhere to the right of the Conservatives in his mission to reconnect with the electorate.

“Labour must be a party that rewards contribution, not worklessness,” said a straight-faced Mr Miliband, whose predecessors ennobled party donors such as Lord Sainsbury, Lord Sugar, Lord Joffe, Lord Gavron, Lord Bernstein, Lord Bhattacharyya, Lord Edmiston and Lord Noon whilst appointing Atos to deprive the disabled of their benefits.

“I have made a careful study of the new political landscape of modern Britain by reading the Sun for a week,” he went on, “And it seems clear to me that millions of decent, hardworking families have stopped voting because no political party represents their hopes and dreams of bringing back the workhouse, press-ganging the feckless into the armed forces and reducing cripples to begging in the streets.”

Meanwhile, people walking through Highgate cemetery have reported strange whirring noises coming from the grave of Mr Miliband’s late father Ralph, the noted left-wing academic.

Miliband Suddenly Realises VAT Increase Will Make Stuff Cost More

Those large buttons are a big help to little Miliband fingers

Ed Miliband, a little boy who leads the Labour Party, has just worked out that the VAT increase due to come into effect at midnight will make things cost a bit more.

“I got this brilliant calculator from my brother David for Christmas,” enthused Mr Miliband. “I showed it to my uncle Alan the postman this morning – he’s a shadow chancellor in his spare time – and he explained it all to me. Apparently that ‘%’ button isn’t much help at all! You have to use your head a bit, but if you times the price of something by 0.8510638, then times that by 1.2, that’s how much it’s going to cost tomorrow.”

“And it’s a bigger number!” he exclaimed.

Mr Miliband then went on to explain to a room of hung-over journalists that poor people seem to be poor because they don’t have an awful lot of money, and that buying things that cost more will make them even poorer.

“So my advice to poor people is not to buy things any more, and then they won’t be poor any more,” he concluded brightly.

Posh boy chancellor George Osborne, however, replied that his uncle Vincent - who is a bit barmy and goes dancing every evening - had given him a really good scientific calculator for Christmas, and he had worked out how to do compound interest all by himself, with a bit of help from a nice man from the Treasury.

“Apparently VAT is charged on every transaction, not just the point of sale,” he gushed enthusiastically, “So VAT is added when the manufacturer sells his product to the wholesaler, and again when the wholesaler sells it to the retailer and yet again when the retailer sells it to you. That’s why great-uncle Ted introduced it in the first place, apparently, when I was two. Add in their profits, and prices are jolly well going to go up by a bit more than the measly 2½% the dopey proles are expecting.”

“It ends up more like 10%, actually,” he chortled. “Next time little Ed’s mum takes him to Toys’R’Us to spend his pocket money, he’s going to poo himself.”

Miliband: ‘Knew Labour Could Recapture Middle Earth’

Mr Miliband is targeting the Shire vote

Launching a major review of Labour policy, Ed Miliband has declared his bold intention to retake the fictional realm of Middle Earth from the combined orc forces of David Cameron and Nick Clegg.

“I say we’ve got to move beyond New Labour,” Mr Miliband told his party’s National Policy Forum. “Why do I say we have to move beyond New Labour? Not because the New Labour approach was wrong, it was right in many ways, but because people are sick of hearing about New Labour. So let’s hear no talk of New Labour. We shall banish New Labour from our thoughts. Let us hear no more of New Labour.”

“Right, that’s enough about New Labour,” he went on cheerfully. “With New Labour out of the picture, we need to find some new Labour policies which don’t sound like Tory or LibDem policies, but which will resonate with the people in Middlemarch – because, let’s face it, they’re the only ones who can be bothered to vote.”

“So let’s get our brand new Labour thinking caps on and ask ourselves how we can reconnect with the squeezed middle-of-the-road,” he urged. “The next election is ours for the taking, if we can just get Jayne Middlemiss on board. Our message must be entirely new: “Labour has your best interests at heart, piggy in the middle.’ If you thought you knew Labour, take another look – because we’re all-new Labour here.”

‘Sorry, I Had This Essay To Finish,’ Says Fresher

Keep the noise down, chaps, I've got a hangover

First-year politics student Ed Miliband apologised to fellow students today for failing to turn up for Wednesday’s nationwide fees protest, claiming that he would certainly have offered his support but for an essay he had to finish.

“You know how it is with all these deadlines,” gushed the young School Of Navel Studies undergraduate, who was wearing his best new Che Guevara t-shirt. “I suddenly realised, shit, I had to get this essay handed in by nine this morning and I hadn’t even given it a second thought, so I got up really early on Wednesday morning - which was jolly hard, as the only morning lecture in my entire timetable is at eleven on a Friday! - took a couple of Pro Plus, went to swot up in the library and spent the afternoon typing it up.”

“The title we were given was: ‘The Unemployed Should Be Forced To Work. Discuss’,” he explained brightly. “It’s all about forcing all these bone-idle layabouts to get out of bed before lunchtime and do some proper bloody work in return for all the pots of money the taxpayer is handing them.”

“Look, I’m ever so sorry about missing the demo,” he added. “After all, one day I might be somebody really important, so I why should I have to pay thousands and thousands of pounds when it’s the country as a whole that benefits from my education?”

Fellow students are singularly unimpressed with Mr Miliband’s feeble excuses, however, pointing out that his essay bears an uncanny resemblance to a model answer posted on the internet by Westminster Business School postgraduate David Cameron.

Ed Miliband’s Inspired Leadership Speech In Full:

“Here I come, walkin' down the street. I get the funniest looks from every one I meet. Hey, hey, I’m a newbie, and people say I monkey around. But I’m too busy singing to put anybody down. I go wherever I want to, do what I like to do. I don't have time to get restless, there's always something new.

“Hey, hey, I’m a newbie, and people say I monkey around. But I’m too busy singing
to put anybody down. I’m just trying to be friendly. Come and watch me sing and play. I’m the young generation, and I’ve got something to say.

“Any time or anywhere, just look over your shoulder - guess who'll be standing there?

“Hey, hey, we're the newbies, and people say we monkey around. But we're too busy singing to put anybody down. We're just tryin' to be friendly. Come and watch us sing and play. We're the young generation, and we've got something to say.

“Hey, hey, we're the newbies. You never know where we'll be found. So you'd better get ready. We may be coming to your town*.”

Screaming applause, fainting girls, mandatory three-hour standing ovation etc.

* subject to industrial action by the RMT

(with apologies to Tommy Boyce and Bobby Hart)