At present, long-term liars who have successfully played the system for years are given Incapacity Benefit, while those who have tried it on more recently receive ESA free, gratis and for nothing.
“I’ve been around the block a few times, you know, and believe me, I’ve seen every scam in the book,” announced Mr Osborne. “Medical experts agree that no test can prove the existence of back pain, for example, which puts it slap bang in pixie and little-green-man territory. So anyone claiming for a bad back had jolly well better bring a living, breathing alien or a pocket-sized toadstool-squatter along with them, or they’ll be sent away with a thick ear.”
“Mental disorders, meanwhile, obviously only exist in people’s minds,” he laughed. “If everybody who met one of these fit-as-a-fiddle loafers were to tell them in a loud voice that there was absolutely bugger-all wrong with them, they’d soon come round to our way of thinking. The flat of my palm, I’ll have you know, is a great believer in the power of positive mental attitude.”
“And any old twit can push their bottom lip out with their tongue and bang their wrists together, so don’t even think of trying that one on with me,” scoffed the chancellor. “Why, I did it myself only the other day when that silly old duffer, Mr Cable, kept raising some boring objection or other as I was briefing him on my budget. But my bleeding-heart liberal colleagues can rest assured that I draw the line at slapping every spacker in Britain. I mean, I’d get their awful yucky drool all over my hand, wouldn’t I? And that wouldn’t do at all.”
“No, I think a boot up the backside would apply in their case,” he decided.
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