Depp and Portman Sign For Help In McCartney Hostage Video

After studying the latest video footage from supervillian Paul McCartney, sign language experts today confirmed that Hollywood actors Johnny Depp and Natalie Portman, whilst pretending to comply with his sick demands, are heroically issuing cleverly-coded messages of defiance instead.

In his cruel video message, evil mastermind McCartney forces his captives to sign the words of ‘My Valentine’, his latest hysterical threat to world peace. However, the resourceful Depp brilliantly subverts his tormentor’s twisted message by signing ‘enemy’ instead of declaring his love for the aged Scouse maniac - whilst Portman, movingly, begs Western leaders to parachute in a fresh supply of humanitarian jam rags.

Depp: "Kill me. Kill me now"

“Our brave boy and girl have highlighted the sheer hypocrisy of McCartney,” explained an expert in being deaf. “By exploiting the differences between American and British Sign Language, they have fearlessly exposed his cynical ignorance of the very issue he professes to care so deeply about.”

"What gives McCartney the right to inflict his nonsense on deaf people too?" he demanded plaintively. “When will the UN authorise the use of force?”