Modern Compassionate Conservatism: Cameron Explains Triple Oxymoron To Party Faithful

David Cameron has been explaining his bizarre, triply self-contradictory concept of ‘Modern Compassionate Conservatism’ to the party faithful at conference today, driving home his message by using an amusing assortment of disableds as props for added comic effect.

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“First of all, I’d like to thank the local Jobcentre for sending me so many willing assistants,” he chuckled, raising his first laugh by snatching the wig off a depressed, retching chemotherapy outpatient and flinging it out into the baying crowd. “What a tremendous boost it must have been for your self-confidence, dear, when you heard that your ESA was being stopped because Atos Medical say that you’re perfecly fit and capable of work!”

As he drew a big clown’s smile on a bedridden MS victim with a red marker pen, the prime minister explained: “Old-fashioned compassion was all about feeling sorry for crips and spackers. For years, disableds have been saying they don’t want our pity. Well, they must be absolutely over the moon now that we Conservatives have abolished it.”

“Modern compassion the Conservative way is all about empowering the useless,” he went on, whilst hilariously mooning a blind man. ”And now that we’ve slashed their income, what greater way of seizing control of their own destinies could there be than taking the brave, unselfish decision to stop being a burden on their loved ones by topping themselves?”

Mr Cameron also spoke movingly of the jobs for which nutters were particularly adapted. “The police are always keen to recruit violent psychopaths into their Armed Response Units and riot squads,” he laughed, “And there are plenty of opportunities within the Liberal Democrats for simps and vegetables. Finally, let me end with an uplifting example of one loony’s triumph over adversity: being a paranoid schizophrenic and a compulsive liar with Tourette’s and messianic delusions have uniquely qualified Paul Dacre to edit the Daily Mail.”