Bag of Bones Discovered in Pile of Rubbish At Tory Conference

A bag of bones unearthed at the Tory Party conference has been identified as the mortal remains of Ivan Cameron, a child born with cerebral palsy who died aged 6. The bones were found in a pile of old rubbish spoken by David Cameron in his closing speech.

"What a tragic fate for poor Ivan," said one shocked observer. "Not only to be born into a family with a history of Conservatism tainting their genes, but for his bones to be uncovered by his callous father and shamelessly waved around in front of TV cameras, just days after he declared war on the disabled. It's sickening. I hope they do the decent thing and bury him soon."

Mr Cameron's rallying speech also drew fully on his background in the PR and marketing industry - urging voters not to dwell on the actual impoverished misery they face when they wake up in the morning, but to picture instead a rosy, aspirational picture of Britain after the recession, in which everyone will drive their convertible along desert roads and traffic-free streets to a detached dream home with a living room large enough to swallow several three-piece suites and not be completely dominated by a 50-inch TV, a vast, beautifully-manicured garden full of happy, laughing children, a tropical rainforest for a bathroom and a huge, spotless kitchen equipped with a puce-uniformed woman who can show them how to make stains vanish in seconds.