Heather Mills Enlists Celebrity Friends To Raise Disability Awareness Whether They Like It Or Not

Britain's showbiz community is living in fear of Heather Mills tonight, after the one-legged Beatle-shagger threatened to challenge popular misconceptions about disability - by maiming as many celebs as she can on a reality TV show she devised during a rare break from counting Paul McCartney's former money.

"People come up to me all the time - ordinary little people, just like you - and say, 'Heather Mills, it's really easy for you to hop about on one leg 'cos you're so beautiful and caring and kind,'" she snarled as she sharpened a vicious-looking scythe. "Well, actually it isn't easy at all, being a beautiful, kind, caring monopod. I love the ordinary little people, you know, I do - but Christ, they really are thick as pigshit. Time for caring, kind, beautiful me to put the record straight, with a little help from my showbiz mates."

High on the hitlist is ex-husband Sir Paul McCartney, who is earmarked for a terminal walletectomy. Viewers can also expect to see:

• Jeremy Clarkson struggling to expound his arsey, cocksure worldview as his genitals are located and removed from their denim confinement with the aid of tweezers;
• Fern Britton's dietary techniques revealed once and for all when her skin is slowly unpeeled;
• a drooling Stephen Fry sitting awestruck by Alan Davies' encyclopaedic knowledge, after being forcibly and severally trepanned with a Black & Decker drill;
• Cheryl Cole grunting like a sow on heat as her Autotune is unplugged by an expert sound engineer;
• Katie Price's plastic breasts trying to marry the next man they meet, once the rest of her has been surgically removed with extreme prejudice.

"Welcome, my famous friends, to Heather Mills' World of Disability," shrieked the inspirational model, philanthropist and wobbly skater, donning an ice hockey mask as she hopped on a bus to Notting Hill.