Unions And Government Deep In Talks To Avert Strike Both Sides Are Spoiling For

Representatives of the government are still locked in desperate last-minute negotiations with union delegates - with both sides expressing optimism that, if they keep praying hard enough, an exasperated Jesus will magically appear, invite them to shut the fuck up and present them with a supernatural miracle which somehow enables both factions to claim victory.

Jesus might pop in later

The fundamental problem facing both sides is that they are all desperately looking forward to tomorrow’s national public-sector strike. The unions are dreaming that the walkout will spark an Arab Spring-style popular revolution leading to the overthrow of the discredited ConDem regime; while the government is trusting the papers to orchestrate citizen outrage at being somewhat inconvenienced for a few hours, in the hope that public-spirited vigilante groups will form spontaneous lynch mobs and string Britain’s remaining union members up from the nearest lamp-post.

“I expect the discussions are taking the form of the unions endlessly repeating, ‘Our members want N or M’ - in this case, protection guarantees for their pay, pensions and early retirement - and the government chanting, ‘Get stuffed, Trotsky’,” said a spokesman for industrial relations consultancy Ebenezer-Skrüge. “Those are the set invocations and responses as laid down in the Service For Deliverance From Industrial Dispute, a little-known appendix of the Alternative Service Book.”

“The hoped-for outcome is the simultaneous fulfilment of both sides’ wishes,” he added, “Which clearly demands divine intervention.”