Lockheed Martin Vow To Use Vast Census Profits To Perfect Puppy-Hammering Robot

Blood-soaked Lockheed Martin bastards gloated insanely as the British public wrestled with the heart-wrenching moral dilemma of writing ‘Jedi Knight’ and ‘Cornish’ on a piece of paper, and promised that every single penny profit from the 2011 census would be poured into The Hammergeddon Project, their $500tn top-secret weapons system which promises to rid the world once and for all of adorable, cuddly puppies.

Hammergeddon needs your form now, or it'll never get a firm lock

“I’d like to take this opportunity to reassure the dumb fucks of Britain that each and every form we process will take us another step closer to perfecting the tricky anal spigot on which the Hammergeddon robot will impale each whimpering little bundle of cuteness before deciding how goddamn big a hammer it’s going to need, and going for the next size up,” sneered Attila Q. Slaughter, CEO of Lockheed’s blood-drenched Data Division.

Details of Hammergeddon are sketchy, but defence analysts believe the self-aware machine is able to detect and home in on the characteristic burbling noise humans emit when exposed to a fresh basket of wriggling, chubby pups. Its armoured head-carapace is capable of battering down any domestic door, enabling it to get in close enough to target individual puppies and grade them according to lovability.

After issuing a health and safety warning in compliance with the Geneva Conventions, it then loads the unsuspecting, mewling little darlings into its magazine, jettisons the spigot cover and locks each puppy firmly into position on the mounting provided. Sophisticated targeting systems home in on the pup’s oversized, floppy ears and retract them out of the way, before the AI component decides which hammer will be unnecessarily large for the mission and deploys it with precision to devastating effect. The mangled carcass is then ejected, messily, and the process is repeated until the hopper is empty.

Finally, the gore-spattered robot methodically eliminates all witnesses before issuing a press release reminding the doubting public that newly-whelped dogs can very easily be hidden under a burqa and sneaked past metal detectors.

“Bwaa haa haa,” cackled Mr Slaughter, as he lit a billion-dollar nuclear cigar with a butane-fuelled Labrador puppy’s red-hot nose. “If you think Hammergeddon is morally questionable, wait till you see the plans we’re drawing up for the ultimate kitten-flenser.”

Census Form Ushers In New Dark Age Of Nazism

Hooray! It's the listening totalitarian state you always wanted

The government began construction of a system of extermination camps and started planning the invasion of Russia today, as soon as private data-processing contractor Messerschmitt AG had put the last batch of 2011 Census forms in the post.

“It’s very simple,” announced fűhrer David Kamerad, as tailors measured him for a stylish black uniform and natty red armband designed by John Galliano. “You tell us how fast you can get up the stairs, whether you believe in Yoda and your understanding of the different usage of ‘to’ and ‘too’, and if you get any of them wrong we take you away and incinerate you. So you see there’s really nothing to worry about, schwein. Unless you’re functionally illiterate, immature or feeling a bit peaky.”

“Everyone agrees that Britain is overcrowded,” smiled deputy fűhrer Klaus Klegg. “Well, then this is the answer you’ve been waiting for.”

“So let’s hear no more complaints that the government doesn’t listen to the views of the man in the street,” he added. “Because that too will get you a one-way ticket up the chimney. Sieg!”