Number Ten Admits To Making Up Deputy Prime Minister

The cat seems real enough

Staff at 10 Downing Street have admitted that they routinely use false names on official communications, after veteran Labour MP Gerald Kaufman said he had received a reply signed by a “Mr N.Clegg” whom nobody could trace.

“I needed further clarification on a point of order, so I rang Number Ten and asked to speak to this Clegg fellow,” stormed Mr Kaufman. “At first I was fobbed off with some high-handed excuse that Mr Clegg does not speak on the telephone. When I asked if the cat had got his tongue I was put through to the cat, which was no help at all. When I rang back to complain about the cat, somebody finally admitted that Mr Clegg doesn’t actually exist at all. Apparently he was invented for the sole purpose of protecting the prime minister.”

“Real names have not been used on correspondence since 2005 for security reasons,” sniffed a Downing Street spokesman, who gave his name as Ziggy Stardust. “Until a year ago, our made-up fall guy was called ‘Gordon Brown’, and he was outstandingly successful at drawing off attacks which could otherwise have been done an awful lot of damage to Tony Blair.”

Nick Clegg, meanwhile, has announced that he has grave misgivings.