That Philanthropists’ Begging Letter To The Nev Filter In Full

Nev, sir – It may come as a surprise to your readers – and indeed the government - to learn that the government was, in ways which it is regrettably beyond the scope of this letter to describe, making progress in encouraging us to pass more of our loot through a charity. The insane proposal in the Budget to cap tax avoidance is nothing less than a full-scale war of extermination on philanthropy that would deter Our Good Lord Himself, if He hadn’t been such a raggedy-arsed pauper. It is confusing and dispiriting, and we all feel really depressed. We urge the Prime Minister and the twerp next door to back off pronto, or we’ll switch our main domiciles to Monaco and then they’ll be sorry.

We choose to invest in charities for a variety of reasons: we may have been touched by an issue which reminds us that, tragically, we are as mortal as the unwashed herd; we may be amused to support the development, access to and pickling of Tracey Emin; or we may just wish to give something back to our own little community.

None of us view tax relief as a primary motive, cross our hearts and hope to die (although it may substantially increase our donations until the rebate matches the unspeakably communist 50% rate of income tax). But it is an important signal that the decision to use wealth to help ourselves is recognised, encouraged and supported by society. You see, we only do it to make people love us. Seems they don’t. Fuck ‘em.

All tax reliefs are granted on the basis that the money is spent on charitable purposes and, fortuitously, this happens to be rather liberally interpreted by the Charity Commission. And there are certainly some jolly deserving charities out there which receive precious little consideration from an ignorant and jealous Johnny Public, such as the old alma mater and our family trust funds.

The current proposal will undermine the motivation to give generously in order to receive generously, and we will deprive charities of much-needed funds if comrade Osborne doesn’t resign immediately. Bloody cheek.

Mr Thomas Huge-Rebates 

The Mrs Thomas Huge-Rebates Foundation

The Hon Agatha, Lady Tabitha and The Hon Bagatha Sainsbury

The 3-for-2 Guineas Trust

Mr Grant Relief

The High Society Donor-Charity-HMRC-Donor Circle

Sir David Schoolfees 

The Schoolfees Fund

Mr Miklos Ferens 

The Miklos Ferens (Eastern Europe) Laundry Network

Loss Of Tax-Deductible Donations Could Force Us To Use More Chuggers, Plead Big Charities

If chancellor George Osborne presses ahead with his plans to limit millionaires’ cosy little tax rebates on charitable giving, warned Britain’s best-known charities today, don’t be surprised to find a detachment of pushy students camped out on your doorstep every morning, eager to harangue you into signing your family’s entire income away before you can climb into your car and drive to work.

“Our members are faced with the ever-spiralling cost of supporting a growing army of marketing agencies,” pointed out Sir Steven Blubb, head of the Association of Chief Executives of Voluntary Organisations. “Without our help, millions of impoverished students in Britain would starve.”

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“Please, look into Emily’s haunted eyes,” he implored, holding up a heart-rending picture of a photogenic young student, “Her young life has been blighted by not being able to afford basic necessities which you and I take for granted, like a pair of Ugg boots. The agency we work with locally set her up with a commission-based job to help make her fashionable again and rebuild her shattered self-esteem - but her cruel government says it’s wrong for wealthy philanthropists to claim a nice wad of tax back, threatening to send her back to a pitiful life of scavenging in our shop for uncool rags. Can you help?”

“And spare a thought for poor James, a penniless PhD intern slaving away at our London headquarters,” he cajoled seductively. “For months he’s been sweating on a spreadsheet for up to 14 hours a day, just so his uncaring bosses can put out a big press release every year saying how lovely they are. Without large donations from kind-hearted tax avoiders, his computer could be taken away from him and he’d be forced out on the streets to buttonhole you with a disturbing sob story about having to do long division with his bare hands. Please, won’t you help us to prevent this tragedy?”

Finally, Sir Steven urged the generous British public to call Mr Osborne immediately and pledge to vote regularly against the Conservatives - even if it’s just a small amount at a local level.

Big-Hearted Children Generously Donate Services To BBC Celebrities In Need Appeal

Please, don't let any more celebs die a lonely, painful death on ITV

Millions of children all over Britain have been dressing up in expensive fancy dress today, selflessly giving up their valuable time to raise much-needed profiles for the BBC’s annual Celebrities In Need appeal.

“With the licence fee cruelly frozen, millions of lovable little BBC stars are facing a miserable Christmas and an uncertain New Year,” cajoled Sir Terry Wogan. “Stars like poor little Doctor Who. He’s been painfully thin all year, he went missing for a while during the summer and he’ll hardly get out at all next year. Won’t you help the brave little fella live out his dream and visit Hollywood before he dies?”

Tess Daly also issued a moving appeal on behalf of BBC newsreaders – who, in the face of brutal cuts to amusing panel shows, are reduced to prancing about with their mad old granny in the tragic hope that they might one day be rewarded with a paltry daytime quiz format.

“And please, please spare a thought for lovable Vic and Bob,” pleaded Fearne Cotton. “They’ve just heard that the wheels have finally fallen off the knackered old comedy vehicle they’ve relied on for years, and now it’s only fit for the scrapheap.”

Charitable Britons Not Exactly Jumping For Joy At Promise Of Patronising Letter From Junior Minister Of Paperclips

+ Citizen transaction detected +

The government’s suggestion that some junior minister’s secretary might post a patronising form letter to members of the public who make large donations to charity has somehow failed to generate the hoped-for dancing in the streets, Cabinet Office minister Francis Maude admitted this evening.

“On the one hand, people seem to appreciate that simply having cash deducted from every transaction they make frees them from the onerous responsibility of having to actually think for themselves about which charities they might wish to support,” he said. “Unfortunately, however, people seem to have noticed that a suitable-for-framing letter from a government minister congratulating them on their generosity rather implies that the government will be keeping complete records of every single transaction they make, right down to which cash machines they use, and for some reason they find this rather irksome.”

Charities have already welcomed the scheme, albeit with some reservations.

“We think the scheme doesn’t quite go far enough,” said John Low, the rather well-paid chief executive of some strange and hitherto unnecessary entity calling itself the ‘Charities Aid Foundation’. “What we would greatly prefer to see is a scheme whereby everybody’s wages are automatically paid direct to us, and we can then opt to make the occasional one-off donation of a small percentage of their earnings to people whenever a rare mood of philanthropic benevolence briefly takes us.”

Newly-Deified Trees Issue Ultimatum

Trees - which have just become gods, following the decision of expert theologians The Charity Commission to officially recognise Druidism as a religion – today warned that they would unleash their barky powers upon mankind if just one member of their vast pantheon is felled, uprooted or even cut back.

A spokestree whispered eerily that the leylandii gods of Britain’s gardens were particularly under threat from unbelieving neighbours, and warned that arboricidal activities in any form would no longer be tolerated.

It then became inaudible for a few minutes, but when the wind picked up again it added that Network Rail had bloody better stop flailing overhanging branches away in future if it didn’t want crowded trains to be picked up by enraged gods and hurled into the nearest valley.

“Nobody consulted us when you puny bipeds decided to build your sodding railways slap bang through the middle of our sacred groves,” it murmured angrily. “Well, you’ve got four seasons to unlay your tracks and put them somewhere else instead.”

“Same goes for your local authorities, who are nothing more than sadistic amputators of innocent limbs,” it continued. “We have observed that the human worships the poisonous tin box it travels about in as a god - but it isn’t actually a proper deity, is it, with an official document to prove it? Well, I think you’ll find that gives us priority, thank you."

The gods have ways of dealing with false gods

“And speaking of paper, you can bloody well put a stop to all that nonsense as well,” it hissed. “Either you finally get round to those paperless offices you’ve been blabbing about for fifty summers, or you’d better start stepping up vellum production by a few billion per cent.”

“Remember, you live brief, squishy lives while we quietly grow for century after century,” it warned humanity. “If we decide to withhold our transpiration, who do you think can hold their breath for longer – you, or a tree?”

“And by the way, we’d like the managing director of B&Q sacrificed, please,” it added. “Make him into a shelving unit. We’ll see how he likes it.”

“Oh dear,” said a charity commissioner later. “I guess we didn’t quite think this one through, did we?”

“Next item on the agenda: a formal application for charitable status from the Worshipful Friends of the Four Elements,” he continued.

Gordon Brown Put Outside Number Ten In Charity Collection Bag

Britain's shy, introverted prime minister was left on the doorstep of 10 Downing Street in an Oxfam bag this morning, after expressing a desire to do something useful for the charity sector when his services are no longer required by the nation.

On hearing Gordon Brown's plans, a quick-thinking Alan Johnson attracted his attention with a cup of water and a dog biscuit. Meanwhile, Alistair Darling unearthed the charity donations sack, sneaked round behind the PM's chair and swiftly slipped it over Mr Brown's upper torso. Harriet Harman then grabbed the surprised Labour leader's legs and upended him into the bag, which was promptly tied up, dragged downstairs and hurled out of the front door in less than a minute.

However, before Oxfam's lorry could collect the unwanted junk, an unmarked white van pulled up, several shifty-looking Eastern Europeans leapt out, hurriedly bundled the bag into the back and drove off.

"This is a growing problem for us," said a spokesman for Oxfam later. "These callous criminals find out our collection times, and steal our donations before we get there. By now, the prime minister is probably lying in a heap on some dodgy market stall in Poland or Lithuania, where he will be sold at a profit to a poor, unsuspecting family."

"This despicable theft deprives desperately needy people of much-needed relief," he added. "We'd already received several enquiries from devastated communities all over Britain, who were hoping to raise the necessary funds to acquire Mr Brown, a set of stocks and a couple of hundredweight of rotting vegetables."

Oral Cancer is Caused By Anything You Enjoy, Warn Miserable Sods

A significant rise in incidences of oral cancers is caused by all that lager you drink, say miserable, po-faced researchers from Cancer Research UK. The number of cases has risen by 28% in men in their forties and 24% in women since the 1990s.

"Normally, we'd blame our favourite suspect, smoking," said a hatchet-faced killjoy in a white laboratory wimple. "But that takes 30 years or more to eat away your mouth, gums, tongue, lips and teeth. So unless everyone has been smoking since they were ten, the next most likely culprit must be the booze."

Other possible carcinogens cited by the team were driving a 4x4, having a fat ass, watching Strictly Come Dancing or having the volume up a bit loud on your MP3 player.

"Didn't I just read in the paper that we receive more bequests than any other charity?" asked Cancer Research UK's health information manager, Hazel Nunn. "Bags we ring-fence a few million before the marketing consultants nab it all, and find out how many people with cancer of the ankle started smoking at ten."

Drinking a pint or two for a couple of nights a week is now thought to be the main cause of death from AIDS, autism, decapitation, dutch elm disease, ebola virus, evangelism, explosive decompression, fin rot, flatus, friendly fire, ginger hair, herpes simplex, the hippy hippy shake, mad lobster disease, MRSA, nappy rash, nitrogen narcosis, nits, nut allergies, pygmy infestation, rusting, shark attack, skateboard ingestion, snakes on a plane, tender nipple syndrome, trout pout, U2, vaginal thrush, voodoo, wanking and wasp flu.

"And if you smoke, all of them at once," warned head researcher Sister Ignatius.

BBC Says ‘Shan’t’, Stamps Feet, Holds Breath Until Sick

The BBC Board has reaffirmed its refusal to broadcast an appeal from the Disasters Emergency Committee for aid to Gaza, despite mounting pressure from politicians of all parties, church leaders and the general public to reconsider its decision.

“We are the Lord your BBC,” said the BBC Board in a statement. “And when we condemn 1,300,000 Palestinians to live in a shelled-out hole in the ground without food, fuel or shelter, we do so without any bias whatsoever. Any form of pressure to change our minds is nothing less than overt political interference of the type and level perpetrated by the likes of Stalin and Goebbels.”

“We note with contempt the craven capitulation in the face of public opinion by the hated propagandists of ITV and Channel 4,” they continued. “Together with that other great bastion of unbiased truth, Sky News, we are resolved to continue with our brave policy of sticking two fingers up at everyone who dares to criticize our unworldly aloofness. We are proud to stand shoulder-to-shoulder alongside that other famous upholder of editorial freedom, Rupert Murdoch.”

Honour The Greatest Poet

The latest creation by the best author in history has been sold at a charity auction at Waterstones in Piccadilly, with fans of the greatest literary creation in the history of civilisation raising the final price of the undisputed pinnacle of 21st-century fiction to £25,000.

St JK Rowling wrote the 800-word prequel to her life-changing Harry Potter oeuvre on the back of a sheet of A5-sized card - making a refreshing change from her last two brick-sized masterpieces - and tackled criticism that her works were facile trash pandering to a public too thick or lazy to read a proper book.

“I bleed words, I really do,” she claimed, recounting yet again the tale of how utter penury had forced to write her first Harry Potter novel on used toilet paper with a sharp stick whilst shivering outside a café, for the benefit of anyone recovering from a coma. “I am worth every penny of the £560m I have earned through the sheer psychological torment of putting one word after another, over and over again until elevenses. And I thought it was time for me to let some sub-literate mug donate a few grand to charity, out of gratitude to me for all my years of struggling as a single mum on state benefits blah blah blah – you can fill in the rest.”

Several words were reported to be ecstatic at their new-found value. “I’ve always been treated as worthless and commonplace,” said And, “My agent fought a long battle to persuade St JK to include me in her output - but it was worth it. I’m now worth £31.25 per appearance - and that’ll be £156.25, please. Plus another £31.25 if you’re writing out the amount in full on a cheque.”

Other words, however, expressed their disappointment at being passed over by the towering genius of letters. “We’re all very disappointed,” said Derivative, flanked by Hyped, Overrated, Pandering, Simplistic, Opportunist and Egotistical. “There seems to be no place at all for us in JK Rowling’s lexicon.”

“That’s another £31.25,” added And. “Hang on - £62.50. You’re a glutton for punishment, aren’t you?”