Put Amusing Pictures Of Stoners On Drugs, Suggest Experts

The international war on drugs has failed, according to an influential report by the Global Commission On Drug Policy which suggests legalising all drugs but selling them with graphic pictures of users making complete tits of themselves in public.

“The global war on drugs has failed, with devastating consequences for individuals and societies around the world,” said the report, issued today. “Governments should instead experiment with models of legal regulation of drugs, but educate the population to chuckle at the hilarious consequences which users end up inflicting upon themselves.”

Government Health Warning: You are going to look like this

“See Appendix 12: there’s a brilliant picture of a bloke arguing with his fridge,” the authors concluded. “Isn’t that enough to make any sensible person think before rolling a joint?”

World leaders were quick to condemn the report, however.

“It’s sheer madness to allow people any degree of personal responsibility,” scowled David Cameron. “Decent people would be shooting all kinds of noxious thoughts out before you could say Jack Robinson, such as: ‘Why is it perfectly OK to piss it up until my ruined kidneys trickle out of my arse, but I can’t smoke a spliff now and then to relieve myself of the constant pain of advanced arthritis?’ By the end of the week, you’d be staring the end of civilisation in the face.”

"As you can plainly see,” he added solemnly, “Experimenting with models of legal regulation would inevitably lead to dangerous hard questions which permanently damage your perception of reality.”

Washed-Up Snackhead Like Totally Freaked Out By Prison Sentence

Zoinks indeed

Shaggy, the half-forgotten snack addict who used to be on TV all the time in the 70s and 80s, was reported to still be “totally freaking” as he started an eight-week custodial sentence in Pentonville for being zonked out whilst in charge of a motor vehicle.

The notorious stoner was clearly nervous as he stood in the dock, with huge droplets of sweat leaping from his head as the prosecution described how he was found by the Hampstead sheriff slumped at the wheel of the Mystery Machine and covered in tell-tale Scooby Snack crumbs, after crashing it into old Mr Peters’ photography shop in the hick town’s main street.

Summing up, district judge John Perkins said that, although he had taken Shaggy’s charitable work into account – namely, the unmasking of several devious villains, who had been scaring the townsfolk away by rather implausibly dressing up as monsters and spooks – he could not ignore the defendant’s previous record of driving away from ghostly projections in a reckless manner, nor his string of previous snack-abuse convictions.

When the sentence was delivered, Shaggy leapt to his feet, gasped “Zoinks!” and began revving his legs on the spot like flywheels, causing some damage to the floor of the courtroom as two burly ushers seized his arms and dragged him back to the cells, his legs still flailing helplessly.

In a statement on the courtroom steps after the trial, Fred, his long-term partner, told the press that Shaggy “would have got clean away with it, too, if it wasn’t for those pesky plods.”

Government to Outlaw Football Addiction

Football is to be categorised as a Class C drug and banned by the end of the year, according to the Home Office.

The popular but legal recreational sport has been linked to a number of deaths, and there is a growing body of evidence to say that it is completely addictive and causes long-term brain damage.

"Football gives its users a legal high," said home secretary Alan Johnson. "But they often mix it with alcohol, creating dangerous levels of GBH in their bloodstream. This leads to severe mood swings, high blood pressure, vomiting and thinking that a two-year-old covered from head to toe in merchandising is somehow acceptable."

Other currently-legal addictive substances - including cheap ITV and the increasingly-popular Conservative Party drug - are also likely to be outlawed before the year is out, said Mr Johnson.

Winehouse Comes Back, Fucks Up, Buggers Off

Amy Troubled-Winehouse, the popular drugsponge, had to abandon her long-threatened comeback performance at the St Lucia Jazz Festival due to "technical difficulties", according to a spokesman.

The troubled singer appeared to have trouble remembering the words to several songs she wrote when she still had a couple of functioning brain cells. She was further troubled with an attack of boredom in the middle of a song. One thing not troubling her at all, however, was the tiniest shred of concern over disappointing any remaining fans.

"I'm not disappointed at all," said one festivalgoer. "People came to watch a self-centred brat pumped full of veterinary-strength narcotics piss all over as many people as possible, and that's exactly what we got."

Many jazz fans expressed their relief that the human pincushion had not made any attempt to sing.

"Amy Winehouse may be a feeble excuse for a human being with no sense of responsibility, decency or self-worth," said a local music fan, "But at least she appears to have finally lost interest in forcing her godawful corncrake voice into people's ears."

"Amy would like to express her disappointment that dancing pterodactyls forced the abandonment of her show last night," a spokesman told the media as his employer sat comatose beneath a gasometer, inhaling a cocktail of helium, nitrous oxide, atomised heroin, swine flu and Vaporub.

More Serotonin, Please

There was widespread joy among parents of moping teenagers today, as researchers at Bristol University announced that - contrary to the recommendations of pharmaceutical industry regulators back in 2003 - shovelling anti-depressants down the throats of the under-18s by the bucket-load does not actually increase the risk of suicide after all.

"Our study of SSRI use by the target age group took place over a sixteen-year period," said study leader Dr Strangelove, "And the suicide rate wasn't affected in the slightest after the restrictions were put in place. So the message to anxious parents is clear: mums and dads can get back to pumping their whining brats full of citalopram right now."

According to doctors, today's teenagers are experiencing an unprecedented tidal wave of depression as, in addition to nobody understanding what they are going through - namely acne, bum fluff and a tragically-unrequited passion for Bob Dylan - they have just learned that they are expected to pay for Gordon Brown's inability to see any connection between the words 'banker' and 'greedy' for half of their entire working lives.

Drug Expert Denounces 'Political' Politicians

The government's chief drugs advisor, Nutty Dave, has hit out at politicians, saying their decision to ignore his committee's advice on ecstasy was "political".

"Ahh man... our job - right - is not to like, give messages to the public, yeah, do you know what I'm saying?" explained the Professor as he danced vigorously to a repetitive, pounding electronic beat that existed only inside his head. "Our job is to... is to.. what the fuck is our job, I don't fucking know... shit... hang on, I wrote it on the back of my hand so I wouldn't forget... our job... our job, right... our fucking job is to like tell the home minister and the drugs secretary and the spliff captain and the trouser bird and... whatever... yeah, like tell the whole fucking so-called fucking establishment, right, about the relative harms of drugs - which is, like, total bollocks 'cos they don't do you no harm never if you just, like, just use them right, yeah? It's just fucking typical politicians being all political, it's all, like, fucking politics - no, 'sall right, man, I'm cool, they're just like fuckin'... fuckin'... fuuuuuck."

The Professor had previously been forced to apologise after saying that taking ecstasy was "a bit like riding a horse, right - unless of course it's been pumped full of K."

Defending the government's refusal to downgrade ecstasy from Class A to Class B, Home Office Minister Alan Campbell said that, although there was little hard evidence to suggest that ecstasy was particularly dangerous, it was the duty of the government to distract the public's attention from the dreadful state of the economy for five minutes.

Speaking on behalf of his colleagues on the Purple Advisory Council on the Misuse of Drugs 'n' Shit, Nutty Dave called for further research into the effects of taking ecstasy, and offered to start right now by taking a couple himself.

Load of Red Bull

Red Bull and other energy drinks are a growing problem among schoolchildren, according to a leading drugs expert.

Bob Tait of Drug Awareness UK said that when he went into schools to talk about drugs he often encountered pupils who were taking too many energy drinks, and advised school nurses to be on the lookout for symptoms of energy drink abuse, such as hyperactivity, restlessness, chest pains, headache and racing tiny aeroplanes at low altitudes.

“If these kids are mainlining on Red Bull now, it’s only a matter of time before they start cutting it with vodka, and giving it large in the playground,” he warned. “I have done some research, and I think they may be getting these deadly energy drink fixes from street-corner dealers like Spar and Costcutter. Make no mistake - just one sip from a 250ml can of V will blow their eyes clean out of their sockets. And as for Lucozade, it doesn’t keep the doctor away but it does give a fifteen-year-old a coronary in seconds. Fact! These children might as well strap hand grenades to their heads and jump into a vat of nitric acid brim-full of hungry sharks. Excuse me, I must just go and lie down for a minute.”

A spokesman for Red Bull said, "Oh, for fuck's sake. In general, children are more sensitive to caffeine than adults, this is why we do not recommend Red Bull to sensitive individuals including children. Nor, for that matter, do we recommend the wearing of hand grenades as fashion accessories or swimming in shark-infested acid, unless it is done responsibly by adults. He’s bloody right about that V stuff, though. I had a swig of it once at a trade show, and my nose exploded."

The government said it was adopting a cautious, wait-and-see approach to the matter.

“We’ll wait and see if the Daily Mail runs a front-page scare story about it,” said a tired-looking, red-eyed junior health minister.

Speedboat

The Royal Navy was involved in its biggest ever drugs-busting operation yesterday, when HMS Liverpool was found to be carrying 18 cocaine-filled sailors.

Citizens of the fair city of Liverpool expressed shock and disgust at finding the reputation of their wonderful home town besmirched by their naval namesake, with many worthy Scousers indignantly shrieking, “Ey! Ey!! Ey!!!” in tones rising to inaudible frequencies.

The Type 42 destroyer, which is currently deployed on operations to combat drug-smuggling, was found to be awash with illegal drugs after the crew had a ‘run ashore’ in Brazil.

“We conducted random drug tests on the crew after the captain noticed a sharp reduction in the number of nostrils aboard ship,” explained the ship’s doctor. “Also, when the crew were paraded on deck, some of them were clearly marching in a strangely Colombian manner. Eighteen crew members whom we subsequently tested were found to be positive. In fact, some of them were absolutely ecstatic. You really don’t want to know what they’ve been getting up to in the rigging, believe me.”

“Positive test rates in the Navy last year averaged less than 0.4%,” pointed out a spokeswoman from the Ministry of Sound Defence. “Unfortunately, the nature of statistical variation means that they appear to be slightly higher among the 240 crew aboard HMS Liverpool. All right - nineteen times higher, if you must know.”

“But let’s not lose sight of the important fact that the Royal Navy has seized the biggest-ever haul of illegal drugs in its illustrious history,” she added sheepishly. “Even if they didn’t have to look very far to find them.”

The Navy denied internet rumours that they would soon be selling tickets to the biggest festival in the Southern Hemisphere, and said that HMS Liverpool had impounded itself pending collection and destruction by specialist teams from the US Drug Enforcement Agency.

Bono Talks Shite

U2 guitarist The Edge owns several colours, according to the band’s singer, St Bono.

Claiming his fellow band-member was U2’s resident genius in an interview with Rolling Stone magazine, Bono explained: “The Edge finds some new colours for the spectrum of rock. Colours he now owns. Owning a colour, wow. Imagine owning the colour yellow, like Van Gogh. Edge owns, well I’m not exactly sure what colours they are… indigo or violet or crimson?”

The holy man of rock then slid serenely to the floor in a religious state of ecstasy.

Artists worried about possible legal action overwhelmed the Patent Office, where harassed officials were busy checking the records in an attempt to discover precisely which colours were created by the hat-wearing guitarist.

“So far, we have managed to rule out black,” said a spokesman. “So charcoal sketches are OK, then. And yellow is in the clear, as any patent filed by Vincent Van Gogh would have expired long ago. So far, it’s safe to say you can paint bees, wasps and hazard warnings without having to worry about receiving a threatening letter from U2’s solicitors.”

Thrills, Pills and Bellyaches

Amy Troubled-Whinehouse has been released from University College Hospital, after being admitted last night suffering from what is being described as a “reaction to medication.”

Ms Troubled-Whinehouse - who apparently sang a song once, thereby qualifying as a bona fide celebrity and one of the most massively talented performers in the world in space - is said to have accidentally consumed all the medication in London.

“I don’t know how it happened,” said her father last night. “All of a sudden I heard a burp and a thud, and when I looked round Amy had slumped to the floor looking like a syringe pincushion, surrounded by pills of all the colours of the spectrum and with a plastic spoon sticking out of her mouth. I think that one was Benylin.”

A spokesman for University College Hospital last night confirmed that the leading drug-taker of her generation was recovering in a private room, with a hosepipe connected to each end.

“Ms Whinehouse is recovering well, and is sitting up and swearing normally,” said the consultant. “But I’m more concerned about all the people who will have to suffer because of her using up all our pharmaceutical stocks. I’ve just had to tell little Timmy that, thanks to Amy Whinehouse’s misdirected greed, he’s going to die. OK, so she signed a photo for him and he went away happy - but that’s hardly the point, is it?”

It is unclear how Ms Troubled-Whinehouse came to be in possession of all the medical supplies in London - but her friend Pete Doherty had been seen earlier running away from several hospitals and branches of Boots, carrying a large hessian sack.

Oh, My Poor Joints

Home Secretary Jacqui Smith is set to ignore the recommendation of the government’s own advisors and reclassify cannabis into Class B.

The Advisory Council on the Misuse of Drugs had argued that the popular recreational drug should remain in Class C, where users are rarely arrested for possession. However, Prime Minister Gordon Brown is understood to be worried about the “more lethal” effects of the stronger form, skunk.

Members of the government’s advisory council were said to be disappointed by the PM’s stance.

“Gordon should, like, just chill, right?” said one member who spoke out under conditions of anonymity, i.e. he couldn’t remember his name. “We’ve all been misusing drugs for years, for research purposes, like, y’understand? He reckons cannabis is lethal, I mean where’s he coming from man? Where’s he get that idea from? I mean, where? What was I saying? Er… Did y’see him on the Andrew Marr Show the other day, cool as f-, whoops, like sorry man, broadcasting rules an’ all that, yeah, sorry ‘bout that. Everyone was expecting him to be a gibbering wreck after the election results, but there he was, calm as you like - and why? ‘Cos we slipped some weed into his porridge, that’s why. Apparently he just completely slid off his chair five seconds after the interview ended, he was like totally blissed, man. Respect, yeah?”

Caution! Amy Winehouse

Troubled Singer Amy Winehouse has been cautioned for common assault after spending the night in cells at Holborn police station.

The Troubled Singer had agreed to be interviewed, and tottered stroppily into the station of her own accord following the incident, which took place on Wednesday.

The Troubled Singer, whose battle with chart success has overshadowed her drug-taking career, released a statement saying that she was looking forward to continuing her work on new music in the studio, and to new drugs continuing to work on her.

Lucy in the Nick with Diamonds

Drugs worth an estimated £100m a year are being traded in Britain’s prisons, claims the former head of drug treatment policy at the National Offender Management Service. Huseyin Djemil argues that the prison service has failed to grasp the scale of the drugs market.

However, Gordon Brown hailed the news as proof that the nation continues to lead the world in opening up innovative new markets.

“If enterprising British drug dealers can extract £100m from criminals doing time inside our jails,” said the Prime Minister, “Just think how much they could make if they were allowed into prisons around the world.”

He added that he would press other nations at the next G8 summit to open up their detention centres to British dealers, in the interests of free trade.

Strawberry Fields Forever

Thames Valley Police have made a public retraction and apology after mistakenly issuing a warning to schools over a non-existent drug - the so-called ‘Strawberry Meth’ - based on a hoax e-mail which is believed to have originated in the United States.

“One of our officers, who is new to his post, received the e-mail internally in good faith and forwarded it on to the schools in West Oxfordshire to warn them,” said a police spokesman. "The officer should have double checked before taking this action, which he did take with the best intentions, and we will be making sure this sort of thing does not happen again- by laughing at him in the canteen for the next few weeks."

The spokesman added: “However, this incident does not lessen our determination to stamp out drug abuse. We will continue in our efforts to free the community from the misery inflicted by Charlie Brown, Bum Crack and Cherry Coke.”