“The global war on drugs has failed, with devastating consequences for individuals and societies around the world,” said the report, issued today. “Governments should instead experiment with models of legal regulation of drugs, but educate the population to chuckle at the hilarious consequences which users end up inflicting upon themselves.”
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World leaders were quick to condemn the report, however.
“It’s sheer madness to allow people any degree of personal responsibility,” scowled David Cameron. “Decent people would be shooting all kinds of noxious thoughts out before you could say Jack Robinson, such as: ‘Why is it perfectly OK to piss it up until my ruined kidneys trickle out of my arse, but I can’t smoke a spliff now and then to relieve myself of the constant pain of advanced arthritis?’ By the end of the week, you’d be staring the end of civilisation in the face.”
"As you can plainly see,” he added solemnly, “Experimenting with models of legal regulation would inevitably lead to dangerous hard questions which permanently damage your perception of reality.”