Wah, Say Motorists

Your local garage, now

Car addicts are tearing around today with their heads out of the window, screaming uncontrollably as they desperately track down all the remaining petrol in the country and pour it into every available container on the off-chance that a few tanker drivers might conceivably go on strike for a couple of days in a week or two.

“The kitchen sink, the bath, the bins and all the saucepans are brim-full, so I poured concrete down the toilet, just like Francis Maude told me, so now it’ll hold about 20 litres mmph glug,” blurted a haggard BMW lover on a garage forecourt in Hendon, as he sucked the last few drops out of a nozzle and stored them in his cheeks for future use.

Meanwhile, an embarrassed government hastily dispatched roads minister and former fireman Mike Penning to allay the fears of Britain’s panic-stricken motorists by grasping their shoulders, headbutting them in the face and telling them to “Get a fucking grip, shithead” – starting, live on national television, with his cabinet colleague, Francis ‘Firestarter’ Maude.