Vince Cable In Tragically Deluded Appeal To Shareholders’ Sense Of Decency And Fair Play

After much puffing on his best ‘ideas pipe’, everybody’s favourite uncle, Vince Cable, has formed the opinion that the best restraint on the inflation-busting jamboree that is executive pay and bonuses would be to let corporate shareholders rule on the matter.

Mr Cable gets all of his best ideas in here

Dear old uncle Vince emerged from his potting shed to tell his numerous LibDem nephews and nieces that the faceless financial institutions which hold the vast majority of corporate shares are really very sober and responsible indeed, and would certainly never be silly enough to fall for short-term dividend largesse thrown their way by cynical, irresponsible boardroom directors during their brief stopovers in the never-ending game of musical chairs which characterises Britain’s system of corporate management.

“Good heavens, just imagine what would happen if, solely in order to boost their bonuses before jumping ship to another comfy chair elsewhere, the senior management of some unprofitable business decided to pay their shareholders one nice, fat dividend out of essential capital reserves – or worse, simply borrowed the money from a bank!” beamed uncle Vince. “Why, the firm would probably go bust within a matter of years! By then, any shareholders who hadn’t sold their shares in that company at a tidy profit - which would be based solely on the apparent financial health indicated by that handsome dividend – would really have egg all over their faces, wouldn’t they?”

“Just imagine if every business behaved like that!” he went on contentedly. “I should imagine that, before long, the entire financial world would collapse in tatters. My goodness, and where would we all be then, eh?”

LibDems Find And Destroy Last Remaining Shred Of Credibility

Deputy PM Nick Clegg wept for joy today, as business secretary Vince Cable – the only remaining Liberal Democrat in the disgraced party thought to retain any trace of liberalism – warned the unions that the strongest anti-union laws in Europe would have to tightened up if they actually tried to exercise their few remaining rights to strike.

No more Mr Nice Guy

The avuncular economist told jeering delegates at the GMB union’s conference that it was all right if, say, a small-scale walkout or two took place in a minor provincial town or two – but if any strike action should affect one of Rupert Murdoch’s journalists in even the most minor way, as an elected representative of the people he would be left with no alternative but to do whatever the Sun says.

“The pressure on us to act would ratchet up,” he warned, as trade unionists booed and hissed. "That is something which both you, and certainly I, would want to avoid, as I rather like my ministerial salary and the car and stuff.”

“Believe it or not, neither we nor the Tories are that keen to make all forms of industrial action illegal, because that would mean outlawing a basic human right that no Western leader since Hitler has dared to abolish,” he added, as the stage filled up with cabbages. “Nevertheless, I want you to realise that Mr Rupert Murdoch is very taken by the idea. Sorry, brother. I just do what I’m told, and so will you.”

Cameron Reduced To Tears By Bruising Rebuke From Vince Cable

This is frankly intolerable

Prime minister David Cameron was left quaking in his boots today, after he received a scathing attack from nimble-footed LibDem minister of paperclips Vince Cable over the mildly controversial ”Bloody pakis - don’t you just hate ‘em?” speech he is due to deliver.

“It’s all very well saying that there are far too many immigrants in this country and blaming it on the reluctance of their white masters to take up offers of jobs they think are far too much like hard work,” said a clearly aggrieved Mr Cable. “But if he cuts immigration to a trickle, as he’s proposing, is he quite, quite sure there will be enough white British surgeons to go round?”

On receiving the powerful LibDem minister’s scornful verbal barrage, Mr Cameron burst into tears, ran away and hid in a cupboard, refusing to come out until Nick Clegg promised to put Mr Cable’s muzzle back on.

A spokesman for Number Ten later denied that Mr Cameron’s divisive speech was mere vote-chasing with a cynical eye on next month’s council elections.

“No, he’s a patronising bigot and shameless opportunist all the time,” he insisted.

Cameron And Clegg Sew New ‘Property Of R. Murdoch’ Label To Vince Cable’s Tongue

After 24 hours of Kay Burley, Mr Cable will be like this for the rest of his life

The leaders of the coalition have reacted quickly to Lib Dem rebel Vince Cable’s astonishing attack on media tycoon Rupert Murdoch, by stitching a new label to the business secretary’s tongue and reminding him to look at it every morning when he brushes his teeth.

“I bought this bastard government fair and square,” exploded the owner of News International, “Just like I bought the last one, and the one before that, and the one before that. If I want to fulfil my manifest destiny by gaining complete control of information across the entire globe, it’s no bloody business of jumped-up little nobodies like the British government to interfere with my plans for world domination.”

“Some little shit will be expecting me to pay tax next,” he added, as his faithful editors hastily fabricated front pages about the loathsome business secretary’s newly-invented predilection for little boys and farmyard animals.

Grovelling abjectly as they backed out on their knees from their lord and master’s presence, David Cameron and Nick Clegg swiftly caught the maverick business secretary in a trap - cunningly baited with a pair of dancing shoes - and examined him for defects before noticing that Mr Murdoch’s label had somehow come loose, possibly during a paso doble.

After strapping Mr Cable into a dentist’s chair and bombarding him non-stop with Sky News for 24 hours, the PM then forced the reprogrammed Mr Cable’s jaws open while Mr Clegg carefully stitched a new strip of fabric printed with ‘Property of R. Murdoch’ in place.

Meanwhile, opposition leader Ed Miliband faithfully promised the disgruntled billionaire that, if Labour were in power, he would assuredly have strung any such cabinet traitors up with piano wire, dragged their bodies through the streets in chains and sent the bloody chunks of their dismembered corpses to every MP’s constituency office.

LibDems Make Soothing Baby Noises At Students

Don't wee all over Mr Clegg, now

As protests continue today over proposals to hike tuition fees, there are signs that senior LibDem members of the coalition government are making efforts to patronise students. Deputy prime minister Nick Clegg leaned over this morning, put a finger to his lips and made amusing burbling noises, while business secretary Vince Cable made a sad face and offered them a sweet.

“I don’t like that man with the scary big forehead,” NUS president Aaron Porter told reporters, “He told me one or two students from really poor families might have slightly smaller debts than everyone else, but that’s no help to me and my friends.”

“And the baldy man thinks I’m going to gurgle with delight because he said he might not vote for his own silly idea,” he scowled. “Well, I wasn’t born yesterday. I’m 2, and I’ve got a badge that says so. The Lib Dems must think we’re stupid.”

A Lib Dem spokesman later asked why, if students weren’t stupid, they had believed that voting Liberal Democrat in May’s election would change anything.

“Besides, we’ve had a look at the A-level curriculum they all got A* grades in,” he added with a grin. “I ran it by my dog. He doesn’t even realise his tail is attached to him until he sinks his teeth into it, and he got Bs.”

Science Cuts Will Usher In A New Dark Age, Say Scientists Who Analysed Dance Moves

Scientific analysis of Mr Cable's technique is currently focused on his wrist

Business secretary Vince Cable has been slammed – as well as boogied, macarenaed and funky chickened – by Britain’s scientific research community today, after unveiling government plans to cut spending on scientific research.

“Aaooww!” screamed evolutionary psychologist Dr Nick Neave, co-author of a ground-breaking study of the sexual attractiveness on the dance floor which was published simultaneously today in the Royal Society journal, Biology Letters, and Mixmag. “Vince Cable should get down – I said get, get, get on down – with the science homeys in the laboratories and nightclubs of Great Britain and see the fantastic moves our leading experts are making in the field of scientific endeavour, and the radical shapes they are throwing in the foam room.”

Mr Cable, however, insisted that the scientific community should do “more for less.”

“Too many of our universities are spending their research grants on ket in the chill-out room,” he opined. “There is no justification for taxpayers’ money being used to support research which is neither commercially useful nor theoretically outstanding. So if you want a grant, my advice is to either come up with a cure for death or demonstrate a working Unified Field Theory by the end of the month, else it’s back to lecturing thicky freshers for the lot of you.”

He then proceeded to strut his funky stuff in a manner which subtly transmits unmistakeable messages to the research community about his preferred method of sperm production.