Census Form Ushers In New Dark Age Of Nazism

Hooray! It's the listening totalitarian state you always wanted

The government began construction of a system of extermination camps and started planning the invasion of Russia today, as soon as private data-processing contractor Messerschmitt AG had put the last batch of 2011 Census forms in the post.

“It’s very simple,” announced fűhrer David Kamerad, as tailors measured him for a stylish black uniform and natty red armband designed by John Galliano. “You tell us how fast you can get up the stairs, whether you believe in Yoda and your understanding of the different usage of ‘to’ and ‘too’, and if you get any of them wrong we take you away and incinerate you. So you see there’s really nothing to worry about, schwein. Unless you’re functionally illiterate, immature or feeling a bit peaky.”

“Everyone agrees that Britain is overcrowded,” smiled deputy fűhrer Klaus Klegg. “Well, then this is the answer you’ve been waiting for.”

“So let’s hear no more complaints that the government doesn’t listen to the views of the man in the street,” he added. “Because that too will get you a one-way ticket up the chimney. Sieg!”