Cameron And Clegg Sew New ‘Property Of R. Murdoch’ Label To Vince Cable’s Tongue

After 24 hours of Kay Burley, Mr Cable will be like this for the rest of his life

The leaders of the coalition have reacted quickly to Lib Dem rebel Vince Cable’s astonishing attack on media tycoon Rupert Murdoch, by stitching a new label to the business secretary’s tongue and reminding him to look at it every morning when he brushes his teeth.

“I bought this bastard government fair and square,” exploded the owner of News International, “Just like I bought the last one, and the one before that, and the one before that. If I want to fulfil my manifest destiny by gaining complete control of information across the entire globe, it’s no bloody business of jumped-up little nobodies like the British government to interfere with my plans for world domination.”

“Some little shit will be expecting me to pay tax next,” he added, as his faithful editors hastily fabricated front pages about the loathsome business secretary’s newly-invented predilection for little boys and farmyard animals.

Grovelling abjectly as they backed out on their knees from their lord and master’s presence, David Cameron and Nick Clegg swiftly caught the maverick business secretary in a trap - cunningly baited with a pair of dancing shoes - and examined him for defects before noticing that Mr Murdoch’s label had somehow come loose, possibly during a paso doble.

After strapping Mr Cable into a dentist’s chair and bombarding him non-stop with Sky News for 24 hours, the PM then forced the reprogrammed Mr Cable’s jaws open while Mr Clegg carefully stitched a new strip of fabric printed with ‘Property of R. Murdoch’ in place.

Meanwhile, opposition leader Ed Miliband faithfully promised the disgruntled billionaire that, if Labour were in power, he would assuredly have strung any such cabinet traitors up with piano wire, dragged their bodies through the streets in chains and sent the bloody chunks of their dismembered corpses to every MP’s constituency office.