US President Barack Obama made history today, by receiving two Nobel Peace Prizes within 24 hours of each other.
The Nobel Committee honoured the "deeply humbled" president for achieving everlasting peace on earth thanks to his tireless efforts to deliver a string of vaguely aspirational speeches about talking to other nations about nuclear weapons.
"Previous leaders of the free world have always got bogged down in the detail of actually having talks," said a spokesman for the committee. "As soon as you sit down around the table, somebody wants something in return, and somebody else says they'll only do this if everybody else does that, it all breaks down in arguments and you're right back to square one. Obama's genius lies in realising that it is possible to take the short cut to world peace by not actually having those pointless talks at all. Only by not doing anything can you change the world. Brilliant."
"And, of course, he's not George W Bush," he added. "That's almost worth a prize in itself."
Meanwhile, hippies around the world expressed their shock and outrage at rampant US imperialism as NASA unexpectedly declared war on the moon by bombing it in an unprovoked sneak attack.
"Zoicks! They totally like blew the moon to pieces, man," said Shaggy, an organic mystery machine operator with self-inflicted dreads, who claimed he didn't speak for any particular group because everyone's opinion was like as valid as everyone else's yeah except some people's were shit. "It's like they fired a fucking Tranny van at the fucking moon at two million miles an hour. No shit, man, the Yanks blew a fuck-off great hole in the moon's karma, you know what I'm saying? It'll be your garden next, man, I tell you. Fuuuck."
"Rooby wooby woo," agreed his dog, speaking from the end of a piece of string.
The spent rocket stage which was actually crashed into the moon was followed by a probe seeking to detect the presence of ice particles in the cloud of dust hurled miles into the moon's virtually non-existent atmosphere by the impact, unhindered by any significant gravity field.
"It's like worse than Hiroshima yeah," screamed Moonchild Starflower, an anarcho-folkist aura decorator who sincerely believes she is powered by crystals. "The sick murdering bastards. Have some holistic cider, man, this stuff's well wicked."
When the rising tide of cannabis-addled protest reached the White House, President Obama wasted no time in declaring a worldwide war on anarchy and free-thinking radicalism, mobilising the remaining bits of the US Army not currently engaged in fighting abstract concepts in Iraq and Afghanistan and putting them on standby as soon as intelligence experts in the Pentagon had pinpointed the rogue state of mind responsible for the increasing outbreaks of twaddle that threatened world security.
He was immediately awarded a second Nobel Peace Prize for promising to rid the world of the fear of soap forever.
"I love the smell of Palmolive in the morning," said a peace-loving general.
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