Downing Street sources have privately admitted that the Prime Minister has locked himself in the toilet and is refusing to come out, after hearing that US President Barack Obama shared a breakfast with Tony Blair yesterday.
“Gordon is presently devoting himself to issues that require his full and undivided attention,” a sweating spin doctor told reporters, speaking over the sobs issuing from a frosted first-storey window.
However, a confidential source told the Nev Filter that Mr Brown has been feeling increasingly isolated and vulnerable over the past few weeks.
“First he started whining about being seen as the ‘Minister for the Recession’,” said the exhausted policy wonk. “Quite apart from the fact that it was largely caused by his lax regulation of the money markets in the first place, you might think perhaps he’d realise that the buck ultimately stops at the PM’s desk - but no, apparently not.
“Then he got rather peeved at the International Monetary Fund’s dire forecast for Britain’s economic prospects, and stamped around Switzerland all last weekend, grabbing people by the arm and telling them that it was the IMF who had the problem, not him.
“Then he spent so long on the phone yesterday, yelling abuse at Nicolas Sarkozy for telling the whole of France that Britain’s VAT cuts had made bugger-all difference, that he completely missed the initial reports of Mr Obama’s breakfast meeting with That Man Whose Name We Don’t Mention. Of course, we didn’t dare tell him. So when he read about it in the Daily Mail this morning, he threw his Quaker Oats on the floor and ran off to the lavatory in floods of tears. We’ve tried telling him that at least Jeremy Clarkson has apologised for calling him one-eyed and Scottish, but he still refuses to come out.”
The deeply-upset PM is understood to have posted his sorry tale of woe on the internet via Facebook Mobile, where he has been receiving messages of spurious emotional support from his friends.
Those Facebook Comments In Full
Gordon Brown ‘s had enuf the bastuds all hat eme!!!!.
Miliband One at 10:58 on 7 February
wats up hun
Gordon Brown at 10:59 7 February via Facebook Mobile
barack had brakefest with THAT MAN hes onley spok to me for 5 minits on the fone the bastud i thot he luvd me i wish i was ded no 1 likes me
Mad Jack at 12:04 on 7 February
o’bamers a 2timin bich yr betr off without im babe xxxx hugs
Lord Mandy at 12:44 7 February via Twitter
if there sharin brekfast u no wot that menes dont u!!! lol
David Blunkett at 13:30 on 7 February
sarcosies no beter he shud sort out his own cuntrey frist giv me a call if u need me tho not rite away im a bizzy shagin the missis rite now *winks*
David ’Dave’ Cameron at 14:06 7 February via Twitter
sory to be harsh gord but its for yr own good its always got 2B about u init you must of got problams in the bed dept or sumfin no wot i mean mate imao you jus need a bludy good shaftin wy not call an election lmao