President Washington Reassures PM Over ‘Anti-British’ Claims

In a frank transatlantic phone chat, US President Barack Washington has diplomatically reassured David Cameron the Younger that he fully acknowledges that the British Army defeated in the War of Independence was, in fact, a multinational organisation.

The president was responding to claims that a stridently anti-British tone has entered the Stateside coverage of the 18th-century incident.

“I have the Honour to report that Nothing could be farther from The Truth, my wonky-toothed Friend,” promised Mr Washington. “Although the British Army’s cognomen clearly hath ƒome diƒtant origin in times long past, the Record clearly ƒhows it to have been Chock Full of Heƒsian Mercenaries at the time of the incident; and what is more, Mr Camelot, it is plain for all to see that it was only following the Ordinances of your German King.”

“Moreover, I will venture to say that the modern British Army hath completely ƒhed its narrow literal Connotations, and now positively burƒteth at the seams with Gurkha-men, Fiji-ans, Jamaic-ans and what-have-you; ƒince the few Britons who are not too Podgesome to waddle through the doorway of the recruiting-ƒerjeant’s office do fail the Requisites of Entry becauƒs they cannot complete a Five League March without ducking into every wayƒide inn they encounter for Beer and fiƒticuffs.”

“Hey; no offence, Mr Canelloni, you chinleƒs Limey fag,” he added soothingly.