Obama Reassures Cameron: ‘Sure, You’re Special’

Spot the prime minister

Panting with anticipation, prime minister David Cameron has arrived in the United States to receive from President Obama the reassurance he craves that he – and by extension, the whole of the UK – is ‘special’.

Wagging his little vestigial tail with delight, Mr Cameron proudly took up his customary position at Barack Obama’s heel at the press call, and yapped with glee when the president threw him a biscuit and called him his ‘special’ friend.

The highlight of Mr Cameron’s stay with the master to whom he is devoted will come when, after being flown all the way to Ohio in the pets’ hold of Air Force One as a treat, he will be invited to perform tricks in front of an admiring audience.

“It’s so cute when David leaps up to catch my basketball in his little mouth,” smiled Mr Obama, as he absent-mindedly scratched his faithful puppy’s nodding head. “He doesn’t care how much it hurts, he just rolls over every time and begs for more. David’s a bit special, but we love him anyway. He’s our dumb, loyal friend who just keeps on giving.”

“Get off my leg, mutt,” he added.

President Washington Reassures PM Over ‘Anti-British’ Claims

In a frank transatlantic phone chat, US President Barack Washington has diplomatically reassured David Cameron the Younger that he fully acknowledges that the British Army defeated in the War of Independence was, in fact, a multinational organisation.

The president was responding to claims that a stridently anti-British tone has entered the Stateside coverage of the 18th-century incident.

“I have the Honour to report that Nothing could be farther from The Truth, my wonky-toothed Friend,” promised Mr Washington. “Although the British Army’s cognomen clearly hath ƒome diƒtant origin in times long past, the Record clearly ƒhows it to have been Chock Full of Heƒsian Mercenaries at the time of the incident; and what is more, Mr Camelot, it is plain for all to see that it was only following the Ordinances of your German King.”

“Moreover, I will venture to say that the modern British Army hath completely ƒhed its narrow literal Connotations, and now positively burƒteth at the seams with Gurkha-men, Fiji-ans, Jamaic-ans and what-have-you; ƒince the few Britons who are not too Podgesome to waddle through the doorway of the recruiting-ƒerjeant’s office do fail the Requisites of Entry becauƒs they cannot complete a Five League March without ducking into every wayƒide inn they encounter for Beer and fiƒticuffs.”

“Hey; no offence, Mr Canelloni, you chinleƒs Limey fag,” he added soothingly.