McChrystal’s Downfall

SCENE 2010 INT. THE WHITE BUNKER, WASHINGTON. THE OVAL OFFICE.

A woman’s finger hovers over a newspaper on a desk.

HILLARY CLINTON

(wearing black jacket and jaunty bowler hat with black fishnet stockings)

The enemy has made a breakthrough along the media front, Mr President. In Middle England they managed to slip an op-ed piece into the Independent openly calling for the phased withdrawal of British troops within a set time-frame, and they’re advancing steadily towards the Daily Express.

CUT TO C/S. CLINTON.

The British are talking about complete withdrawal from the theatre of operations within twelve months. And the Dutch are already packing their bags.

CUT TO

OBAMA

(Bruno Ganz – for it is he, wearing black-and white minstrel make-up, white top hat and tails - waves silk-gloved hands theatrically)

Mammy! Mah fren’ Gen’l McChrystal’s PR skills gon’ bring it aaaall undah control - yassum, marm, doan’ you worry yo’ purty li’l head none.

(FX: ripple of laughter.)

CUT TO M/S. Cabinet members exchange uneasy glances.
CUT TO

CLINTON

Mr President… General McChrystal…

CUT TO

GEN. PETRAEUS

SIR! Stanley McChrystal has been cheerfully slagging you and your administration off to a long-haired peacenik reporter, SIR! He wasn’t able to hold on to his tongue, SIR!

CUT TO M/S. Cabinet. Uncomfortable pause.
CUT TO C/S. OBAMA rolls eyes furiously as he smoothly removes his top hat, rolls it down his arm to his silver-tipped cane, from which he deftly throws it onto a hat-rack in the corner.

OBAMA

De foll’win’ peoples gwin’ stay awhile: Mistah Biden, Missy Clinton, Lil’ Bobby Gates an’ Gen’ral Petraeus. As fo’ de res’ - backta de plantation, y’all heah?
CUT TO M/S. Cabinet.

(Uncomfortable pause as a dozen minor cabinet members shuffle out. FX: Taped audience ‘Aaaaah’s)

CUT TO

OBAMA

(Striding up and down office, twirling cane)

Dat was an awdah! DAT FELLAH McCHRYSTAL, HE HOLDIN’ HIS TONGUE WAS AN AWDAH!!! Who’d’ya think y’all am ta dis’bey an awdah dat ah done gived ya? Laaaoowd a’mercy!

(falls to knees in spotlight, arms outstretched)

Scene 2010A INT CORRIDOR o/s OVAL OFFICE. M/S. Uncomfortable crowd of spinmeisters, policy wonks and cabinet members.)
CUT TO
SCENE 2010B INT OVAL OFFICE.

OBAMA

(turns to left, sings)

Am dis what it come to, eh? ‘Bamah, ‘Bamah!

PAN across faces as CLINTON starts to cry.

OBAMA

(turns to right)

De pressman, he bin mos’ unkin’ ta po’ lil’ ‘Bamah dey!

(FX: taped applause.)

Waal, hush mah mouth if’n ev’body ain’t havin’ a pop at yaz truleh - ev’n massah Jon Stewart on de Daily Show!

(staggers to his feet, palms outspread)

An’ de Fox News Channel, dey’s jes’ de bunch’a low-down, disloyal heathens!

(FX: canned laughter.)

GATES

Mr President, I cannot allow you to insult Fox’s trusty Glenn Beck, America’s oracle of truth!

(FX: uproarious laughter.)

OBAMA

DEY COWARDS, TRAITORS AN’ FAILURES!!

CUT TO

GATES

Mr President, this is outrageous!

CUT TO

OBAMA

De media am de scum o’ de ‘Mer’can people!

(throws papers over shoulder)

Not de shred ob honour! Dem call deyselves journalists. Years at de PBS local news channels, jes’ to learn to read de autocue and keep de deadpan face!

CUT TO M/S. Inner cabinet.
CUT TO
SCENE 2010C INT CORRIDOR o/s OVAL OFFICE. SLOW PAN across worried faces.

OBAMA

(off-camera, muffled)

For months de media dey hinder mah plans!! Lawd, dey put ev’ kinda obstacle…

CUT TO
SCENE 2010D INT OVAL OFFICE. OBAMA raps desk with cane.

… in mah way!

(drops onto one knee, raised outstretched palm to ceiling)

Lawks an’ lawdy! What ah shoulda oughta done, ah oughta done sucked up to massah Rupert Murdoch, liken as ol’ Mistah Bush done did!

(waves angrily at cabinet, sits down)

Me, ah nevah done paid much attention to de loony right-wing press. Yet ah have risen - Lawd, AH HAVE RISEN - to the presidency all bah mahself! Hallelujah!

CUT TO M/S. CLINTON.

(Uncomfortable pause.)

CUT TO M/S. BIDEN.

Traitors!

CUT TO M/S. OBAMA.

Man oh man, ah done been betrayed an’ deceived from de verah beginnin’!

CUT TO M/S. Inner cabinet.

What de monstrous betrayal o’ de ‘Mer’can pres’dent! But Lawd, dat traitor General McChrystal he gwine PAY!

M/S OBAMA.

Ah done gonna reassign him down ‘Weezyanna way! HE GWINE DROWN HISSEL’ WAY DOWN YONDER IN DE ROLLIN’ BRITISH OIL!!

CUT TO
SCENE 2010E INT CORRIDOR o/s OVAL OFFICE. C/S DAVID CAMERON, crying, and NICK CLEGG.

CLEGG

Gosh, Dave - I say - do calm yourself, old chap.

(FX: canned laughter.)

CUT TO
SCENE 2010D INT OVAL OFFICE. M/S Inner cabinet. Uncomfortable pause.

OBAMA

Mah awdahs done fall on deaf ears.

C/S. OBAMA, down on one knee and shaking head resignedly.

Under dese circumstances, Lawd, ah ain’t no longer able ta lead de way ta de promis’ land… it over.

CUT TO M/S. CLINTON, uncomfortably looking around at inner cabinet members.
CUT TO M/S. BIDEN, ditto.
CUT TO M/S. PETRAEUS and GATES, ditto.

De time fo’ change… am lost.

CUT TO M/S. BIDEN, nervously adjusting cufflinks.
CUT TO M/S. wide-eyed, bootblack-faced OBAMA, springing to his feet and pointing cane into distance.

But laydeez an’ ge’lmen! If you believe dat ah gwine leave Afghanistan, you am se’sly mistaken! Gen’l Petraeus, suh, you go do what you likes bes’ – you go an’ blow sum’ dey towelhead brains out!

Enter chorus line of high-kicking soldiers, raising OBAMA shoulder-high and carrying him off to huge taped applause, as HILLARY CLINTON breaks into show-stopping international song-and-dance routine.