Wednesday, 4 March 2009

Brown Delivers Historic Meaningless Speech on Capitol Hill

Gordon Brown has delivered an historic address to Washington's political elite, mouthing a tedious sequence of vague platitudes to a rare joint meeting of both Houses of Congress.

"Blah blah your friend Europe," he began, to rapturous yawns from senators and congressmen. "Blah blah blah confidence... opportunities ahead... blah blah blah make the future work for us."

As America's movers and shakers began adjusting their cushions, Mr Brown warmed to his hollow theme, saying: "Blah blah blah, economy will double in size, blah blah... opportunities for business... prosperity... expansion of middle-class incomes blah-de-blah-de-blah... Seize the moment... O Captain, my Captain... Believe The Unbelievable... Prepare For The Fantastic... Let's Go To Work... A Little Pig Goes A Long Way... What Does It Take To Find A Lost Love?"

The Prime Minister's speech moved both Republicans and Democrats to pins and needles, and many were visibly stunned as they staggered out afterwards.

"That Gordon Brown guy sure is some character," said one Congressman, rubbing the circulation back into his legs. "He Knows No Fear. He Knows No Danger. He Knows Nothing."

Earlier, during a photo-opportunity, President Obama - who had kindly offered Mr Brown the services of his personal tailor, allowing him to finally burn the suit he found in a Sue Ryder shop in 1996 - was asked what he and Mr Brown had in common.

After sucking his teeth hard for a few minutes, the President told the world's press that he and his staunch British ally both had beautiful wives, lovely children and a similar number of fingers and toes.

The Prime Minister then blurted out, "And - ho, ho - we're both Brown!" - leaving Mr Obama to break the embarrassed silence which followed, as a solitary tumbleweed blew slowly past.

"I firmly believe that, incredible as it may seem, the dactyl connection of which I spoke may indicate that our two species - the human race and trollkind - may once, in the distant past, have evolved from a common ancestor," suggested the President, as Mr Brown stamped away in a huff, looking for a bridge to lurk beneath.

No comments: