Syrians Pleased To Be Dying Under Ceasefire

Numerous Syrians who have been shot since the bilateral ceasefire came into effect today told reporters, as they succumbed to their wounds, how grateful they were to the UN for allowing them the opportunity to be the first victims of a new era of peace and stability.

Yes, well done you

In the aftermath of a roadside bomb in Aleppo, as what remains of him was being loaded into an ambulance, a soldier loyal to the Syrian government gasped that his missing legs were a small price to pay for an end to the sickening violence.

“I am so glad the fighting is over at last,” gurgled an optimistic Homs resident, on the other side of the truce which proud UN observers say is ‘holding’, as he lay in a pool of his life’s blood with an army bullet of hope lodged peacefully in his throat. “It is comforting to know that my imminent death represents a first step towards a permanent reconciliation.”

“Well, I think it’s all going rather splendidly, don’t you?” a delighted Kofi Annan tweeted to President Assad.

UN To Debate No-Fly Zone Over Basildon

Hold on tight now, girls and boys

As evil British dictator Colonel Gadavey’s minions on the People’s Reactionary Council of Basildon gear up in readiness for an all-out assault on Dale Farm, a ramshackle camp full of ethnic pikeys, the United Nations’ Committee on the Elimination of Racial Discrimination called on the UN Security Council to implement a no-fly zone over Basildon as a matter of the utmost urgency.

“In the last few days, Colonel Gadavey’s propaganda machine has been pumping out explicitly anti-pikey tales of fairground atrocities, turning the population against this victimised ethnic minority,” warned the committee. “The pikey community of the United Kingdom has been discriminated against for centuries. The lowly job opportunities allowed to them are restricted to the running of rickety amusement-park rides and offering disdainful shoppers the choice of a worthless sprig of heather or an unspoken curse.”

“The world cannot, and must not, look away and let this injustice happen,” concluded the report. “Basildon Council’s offensive capability must be neutralised, if necessary by a punitive airstrike against its car pool.”

President Nicolas Sarkozy has already indicated that the French people would be more than happy to commit their fighter-bombers and assault helicopters to supporting Britain’s pikey minority, as long as they promised to stay there and keep the fuck out of France.

‘We Absolutely Did Not Capture Gbagbo, Massa,’ Insists Blacked-Up French Commando

France's elite forces were all picking cotton at the time

French special forces played no part whatsoever in the surprise seizure of Ivorian president Laurent Gbagbo, according to a shoeshine-covered French officer in top hat and tails, as he twirled a cane and danced with leggy showgirls to the tune of ‘Camptown Races’ inside the UN headquarters in Abidjan.

“Yassum boss, ah’s a-tellin’ yuh, us Frenchies wun’t nowheres near dat t’ing, no suh!” he explained to sceptical reporters, theatrically rolling his eyes and strutting up and down in his gaily-striped trousers as a platoon of similarly-attired French commandos pushed a confused-looking Mr Gbagbo onstage, flexing their elbows and knees comically as they doffed their toppers.

“Dey native nigga-boys, dey’s a-doin’ it aal bah deyselfs, yes sirree, ain’ dat de troof?” he implored, picking up a strategically-placed banjo and strumming away contentedly.

“Hallelujah!” chorused his troops, waving their pink-palmed hands furiously.

“’Cos if de UN done asked dey Frenchies to take out de bad ole sambo heah, dat be lookin’ like doin’ mo’ dan just de peacekeepin’ work o’ de Lawd, hush mah mouth!” he added solemnly.

“Why, dat be lookin’ mighty like de bad ole days o’ colonialism,” he continued, as he booted Mr Gbagbo offstage into the midst of an appreciative audience of Alassane Ouattara supporters. “Ain’t nobody doin’ dat racist ol’ routine no mo’, praise de Lawd.”

UN Forces ‘Have No Mandate’ To Topple Kill-Crazy Defence Secretary

Colonel Muammar Gaddafi confirmed today that UN Resolution 1973 makes no provision for the removal by military means of the despicable madman Dr Liam Fox, despite the increasingly bloodthirsty threats made by the hated British defence secretary in recent days.

“Whilst I have every sympathy for the rebels in Britain who are struggling to overthrow their despotic leaders, unfortunately no mandate exists to specifically target this unstable and increasingly isolated madman,” explained Libya’s embattled leader. “That is a sovereign matter which the British people must deal with themselves.”

Every night Dr Fox has the same dream

Earlier, the swivel-eyed Dr Fox had appeared to overstep the mandate of the UN operation, suggesting that RAF Tornado fighter-bombers could be used to assassinate Col. Gaddafi.

“Unfortunately it appears that the idea that came to me whilst playing with my toys in the bath may not be entirely in keeping with international law, dammit,” the defence secretary later told reporters in his tinfoil-lined war bunker. “However, the extremely limited intelligence available to me strongly indicates that Colonel Gaddafi’s khazi is the tactical nerve centre where all his rebel-crushing battle plans are formulated. I have therefore issued orders to Squadron Leader ‘Biggles’ Bigglesworth in Italy, instructing him to bomb up his crate with toilet-busters, potter about in the general vicinity of Tripoli and, if the opportunity arises, follow his nose.”

“If Colonel Gaddafi should have the misfortune to be in residence when his khazi is blasted to kingdom come, that would of course be nothing more than one of the hazards of war,” he added with a smile.

Asked whether Sqn Ldr Bigglesworth was under orders to refrain from releasing his deadly payload if he found the target protected by a human shield, Dr Fox cackled insanely and promised that, to anyone in close proximity to Col. Gaddafi’s bowel movements, being blown to smithereens would be a merciful release.

‘Yes, We’ll Deploy An Aircraft Carrier As Soon As We Can Launch It,’ Declares Britain

In the wake of last night’s UN resolution to set up a Libyan no-fly zone, British prime minister David Cameron today promised to deploy an aircraft carrier to the Mediterranean straight after it leaves the slipway on which it is currently being built.

Not playing

“It’s bloody typical of the Libyan people to rebel against their barmy leader, Colonel Gaddafi, just as we decommissioned our last toytown carrier, HMS Ark Royal,” reflected Mr Cameron. “However, the management of BVT tell me that, if the price is right, they can bolt together enough of the basic hull sections of HMS Queen Elizabeth to keep it floating the right way up within a year or so. HMS Quee, as it would then be called, would then be towed to the Med, where it will look very frightening indeed - especially to our pilots, as its flight deck will still be under construction in Birkenhead.”

“Fortunately this will not pose any operational difficulties, as its complement of F-35 aircraft will exist only on a purchase order in a Lockheed-Martin filing cabinet,” he added. “In practical terms, this means that Britain’s main contribution to the interdiction of Libya will be a staggering quantity of aviation fuel burned by aircraft flying to Libya from hundreds, if not thousands, of miles away.”

However, in an unexpected twist Colonel Gaddafi suddenly announced a unilateral cessation of hostilities, spoiling everybody’s fun and games and raising the prospect of the West’s political leaders lining up to shake his blood-soaked hand all over again in the not-too-distant future if they want any of his country’s vast oil reserves.

‘What Reputation?’ UN Asks Clegg

Baffled UN delegates have been scratching their heads since Nick Clegg’s maiden speech to the General Assembly, wondering what kind of fantastic global reputation he thinks Britain ever had.

“Your Mr Clegg told us that Britain must restore its world reputation,” said a puzzled member of the Indian delegation. “But then he went on to give us some guff about tolerance, fairness and equality. That’s hardly a Britain our great-grandfathers would recognise. Their recollection is of a bunch of overdressed foreigners spinning us some yarn about offering us the protection of their army, robbing us of our wealth in return for a load of shoddy mass-produced trousers, then whisking millions of Indian soldiers off to the four corners of the world to fight for Britain's interests in two world wars.”

Ah... happy days

Mr Clegg was unavailable for comment as debate raged about whether he was referring to Britain’s heyday as the heart of an industrial revolution that shackled the poor to soulless production lines for the personal enrichment of the factory owners, or its salad days as the beneficiary of a vast asset-stripping empire that made a few rich people even richer and left Britain with a legacy of inspiring civic architecture which is now being enthusiastically ripped down to make way for uniformly tawdry shopping malls with a 20-year lifespan.

'I Am Not Turning Invisible,' Insists Empty Chair

Speaking on US TV channel NBC's Nightly News programme, an apparently empty chair was keen to deny reports that it was becoming invisible.

The empty chair was supposed to have been occupied by prime minister Gordon Brown, who is meant to be attending a UN summit in New York. A doorman at the studios confirmed that he had admitted a British government official who seemed to be engrossed in a conversation with an imaginary friend, even speaking in two different voices; but when shown a photograph of Mr Brown, he recoiled in horror before saying: "No sir, that ain't the guy. I'd remember that sour-faced sonofabitch if I'd seen him."

Earlier, President Obama had failed to see Mr Brown on five separate occasions, even checking under his desk in case the world-renowned statesman and financial genius was playing a game of hide-and-seek.

However, when the upholstered wooden chair in the NBC studios spoke to the floor manager in Gordon Brown's unmistakeable gruff brogue, interviewer Brian Williams shrugged and told editors he was prepared to go ahead with the interview if they were.

Asked why documents emanating from Number Ten were now written in large print with a crayon, Mr Brown's chair curtly replied that there was nothing wrong with the sight in his good eye.

When host Williams bluntly asked if he was going invisible, the chair rocked back and forth violently, shouting: "It's not my fault if certain people seem to be having trouble noticing me!" before falling over. Mr Williams' clipboard suddenly rose into the air of its own accord and flew towards the camera.

Several drunken bums in a back alley later reported a levitating bottle of whisky sobbing incoherently to itself in "some weird kinda Limey accent", before smashing itself to pieces against a wall.

Brown Slaps Britain's Enormous Nuclear Cock On The Table

Arriving in New York for a meeting of the UN Security Council, prime minister Gordon Brown raised eyebrows by unashamedly whipping Britain's enormous nuclear cock out and slapping it on the table, shouting: "Look at my enormous nuclear cock, everybody, and tell me if you think it's too big!"

As embarrassed world leaders coughed with embarrassment, Mr Brown confessed that, although he was very much attached to Britain's enormous nuclear cock, he wasn't sure if he could keep it up forever.

"Britain has been proudly waving its enormous nuclear cock around since 1952," he told delegates. "Unfortunately, however, nobody seems to take much notice of it any more. In fact, I think a lot of countries are laughing at it behind my back."

"Some silly old men with beards keep saying it's high time I stopped waving my enormous nuclear cock around and grew up," he explained. "They say there must surely be more important things to occupy my attention. But I love my enormous nuclear cock - it makes me feel like a big boy. Having said that, with all the bloody money that keeps flowing into it, I have to admit I'm starting to feel a bit faint."

Mr Brown refused to stop playing with Britain's enormous nuclear cock altogether, but said he was prepared to consider a slight reduction in size.

"I've heard that it's not how big it is that's important, it's the pleasure it gives," he said. "So I suppose I could settle for a slightly less enormous nuclear cock. Although - unlike my big friend America - I've never had a chance to thrust it deep inside somebody else's country and let it go off, and probably never will, I just couldn't imagine giving up the deep satisfaction of taking it out and waving it around in public from time to time."

"And don't forget my enormous nuclear cock gives a huge sense of pride to millions of people in the UK," he added.

As Mr Brown sat down, obsessively clutching his enormous nuclear cock, more mature statesmen expressed the opinion that perhaps it was time for Britain to address its tragic delusions about importance.

Obama Boycotts Racism Conference For Anti-Racist Bias

The US government says it will boycott April's UN conference on racism in Geneva, because somebody might say something uncomplimentary about its very good friend and customer, Israel.

The rest of the world responded by asking America if it could suggest a more glaring example of an ethnically-divided society in today's world, in which members of one race pitilessly inflict a brutal, punitive grip on those with the misfortune to be born into a different ethnic group, whilst themselves enjoying the lavish fruits of a luxurious, privileged lifestyle.

Members of America's ethnic minorities living in crime-ridden slums, trapped hopelessly in minimum-wage jobs, languishing in overcrowded prisons or dying painfully from life-threatening ailments because they are unable to pay for treatment were left scratching their heads for an answer. After some hesitation, though, they told reporters they were proud to be Americans in a new era of equality and opportunity where a black man has finally made it all the way to the White House, before walking away frowning and stroking their chins.

This Parrot Is Speaking In Cornish, Irate Tall Man Tells Pet Shop Owner

The lopsided, inbred troglodytes of Cornwall are set to declare war on the United Nations, after its cultural body, UNESCO, declared the Cornish language officially extinct.

Thirty expert linguists working on the Atlas of The World's Languages In Danger pointed out that Cornish has not been spoken since 1777, except by a tiny hardcore of about 300 fact-proof nutters with bizarre delusions about the glorious resurgence of some mythical Cornish nation that only ever existed in the vacuum of their minds.

However, Jennifer Lowe - development manager of the Cornish Language Partnership, and therefore one of a handful of people in Cornwall whose so-called job does not consist of grovelling to grockle tourists - boasted that there were thousands with a "smattering" of Cornish, due to pig-headed council schemes to cram the defunct, worthless language into the heads of schoolchildren in place of knowledge that might actually prove to be of any value in their lives.

"Thousands of unemployed Cornish youngsters can now grunt, 'me want pasty' and 'you're not from round here' in their native tongue, if you prod them with a stick and promise them a shiny coin," she explained with sadly-misplaced pride.

However, a spokesman for the UN laughed convulsively for five minutes before breathing deeply and saying: "In the deluded fantasies of the Cornish nationalist mind, Truro would be the tin-paved capital of the glorious Kernow superstate. And what does 'Truro' actually mean, in Cornish or any other language? Nobody has the faintest idea. I think that pretty much sums up the tragic futility of Cornish, don't you?"

A shabby, bearded wreck of a man - or possibly a very ugly woman - in the total-unemployment singularity known to the Ordnance Survey as Redruth shouted incoherently to our reporter for several tedious minutes. Expert analysis of the recording later suggested, however, that he was not in fact making an impassioned speech in the Cornish language after all, but merely demanding a pound in a hideously-garbled debasement of English.

Defiant Palestinians Still Stubbornly Threatening Israel With Fireworks

As UN Secretary-General Ban Ki-Moon embarks on a futile hand-wringing visit to the Gaza Strip, Israeli Slaughterer-General Gabi Ashkenazi said there was "still work ahead" in the shattered region.

"By 'work', I mean the razing of any remaining buildings of more than half a storey in height," he went on to explain, "And by 'ahead', I mean until our elections are over."

Meanwhile, Israel graciously consented to allow a humanitarian aid convoy through its massive prison wall that surrounds the Palestinians, to drop off urgently-needed supplies in Israeli-controlled areas where they are not so urgently needed.

On the 18th day of the somewhat one-sided contest, Israeli warplanes and helicopter gunships have been raining another 60 lethal bombardments on targets in and around the southern town of Rafah, while tanks continue to close in on the heart of Gaza City, bringing the death toll among Palestinians to at least 933. Diehard Hamas supporters retaliated by launching two rockets from a bottle in the general direction of Israel, leaving the Israeli casualty list unchanged and barely into double figures.

"We would have launched more," said a Hamas spokesman, "But we ran out of matches. Allah is great - but unfortunately it seems that, right now, the Israeli army is considerably greater."

Tsvangirai's Call for Action Not Quite Important Enough To Us

Zimbabwe’s opposition candidate, Morgan Tsvangirai, has announced his withdrawal from the controversial run-off presidential election due to be held this Friday, saying that the prevailing conditions of violence and intimidation “do not permit the holding of a credible poll.”

So far, 86 people have been killed and 200,000 displaced from their homes for supporting Mr Tsvangirai.

President Robert Mugabe’s Zanu-PF party responded by claiming that Mr Tsvangirai’s Movement for Democratic Change was responsible for the wave of political violence sweeping the country.

“I wish these people would stop burning their homes, beating themselves to death and raping themselves,” said Mr Mugabe. “They are only doing it for attention. I blame the foreign media, who are working in league with the evil British Empire.”

Mr Tsvangirai is hoping that the outside world will force Mr Mugabe to stand down from the presidency. However, when he rang the world asking for support, he was put on hold and told by a computer that although his call was important, the world was currently fully engaged in watching Euro 2008 and complaining about the rising cost of filling its people-carriers and 4x4s with petrol, and instructed to call back later, if he was still alive.

“In the interests of fairness, we are steadily working our way through the alphabet,” said a spokesman for the United Nations. “And unfortunately for Zimbabwe, we seem to have been stuck on the letter ‘I’ for the last few decades. To be honest, we haven’t even finished with ‘A’ yet.”