Obama Suddenly Realises Futility Of Arguing With Woo Community

Obama's State-Of-You address - fuck off, come back and fuck off again

President Obama has sensationally refused to publish photographs of a Middle Eastern man with a head like a colander, after it belatedly dawned on him that he was getting into one of those never-ending arguments with an army of conspiracy addicts for whom no amount of factual evidence will ever constitute absolute proof.

“You know what? Fuck it,” the president told reporters at a special White House briefing. “We could be arguing pointlessly for years, and I really have got better things to do. So I’m not going to bother publishing a load of grainy pictures of some guy nobody’s seen for a decade with his brain decorating the walls, any more than I’m going to hold a fucking séance to ask him to name his favourite teacher. You can believe Bin Laden is dead, or you can believe that marmalade is made by pixies for all it changes anything. Because I really don’t give a shit.”

“End of,” he added emphatically. “Have a nice life, losers.”

The internet was instantly abuzz with jubilant claims that the president’s refusal to continue an unwinnable argument proved beyond a shadow of doubt that Osama Bin Laden was still very much alive and kicking, apart from the small matter of his deaths in 2003 and 2007.

Donald Trump, meanwhile, responded swiftly by demanding the release of Bin Laden’s death certificate.

A Christmas Message Of Good Cheer

Merry Christmas and a Happy 2011 from The Nev Filter

Conspiracy Theorists Experience World’s Largest Simultaneous Orgasm

Abba have been warning people about Sweden since 1974

Within seconds of hearing Wikileaks' Julian Assange claim “there is a threat to my life,” millions of free-thinkers whose understanding has transcended the narrow limitations of the left brain - or ‘conspiracy nutters’ as they are known to scientists, and everybody else – were left panting and lighting up cigarettes after experiencing an unprecedented mass commotion in their bacofoil undercrackers.

After hastily changing their undergarments in the kitchen, the rabid community lost no time in identifying the shadowy organisations who would wish swift death upon the prophet who heroically revealed all kinds of happening shit to a horrified world.

“Of course, what six billion blind sheep simply refuse to recognise is that the Bilderberg Group is obviously using its hold over the 9-dimensional aliens to push the EU superstate towards an agreement with Rupert Murdoch and the Illuminati, which would force the BBC into giving the Elders of Zion free rein to talk Common Purpose into ordering Big Pharma to deceive the Swedish prosecutor into bludgeoning Julian Assange to death with Tom Cruise’s crystal pyramid in 2012,” blogged a typical self-polluting truthseeker, who was immediately congratulated by his barmy associates for his clear presentation of the reality behind the propaganda, apart from getting it all back to front.

Meanwhile, David Icke is strenuously denying rumours that he has paid a top hitman to take out the brave Wikileaks hero for stealing his act.

Assole Arrest Causes Internet Burst

He's already been put aboard the alien mother ship. FACT

The internet burst today, as all of the available bandwidth in cyberspace was swamped by an unprecedented flood of uninformed yet insightful outrage from the English-speaking world’s army of conspiracy theorists concerning the arrest of Julian Assole, the Wikileaks founder and top nutter-prophet.

Before the internet exploded, all of the world’s free thinkers were united in saying that it is now only a matter of time before their new high priest Mr Assole is dragged to evil Sweden, where it is a foregone conclusion that he will mysteriously die screaming in agony in the cruel ‘blood eagle’ sacrifice ritual whilst helping bloodthirsty police berserkers with their inquiries.

It has also been determined by millions of people who know more than you do that Mr Assole’s bloody carcass will then be flown to Russia, where it will be beaten to an unrecognisable pulp by a crazed Vladimir Putin. It will then travel to Saudi Arabia, where its mangled hands will be chopped off. The remainder will then be shipped to China and shot by dozens of firing squads, and the remaining bits will be gathered up in a binbag for extraordinary rendition to Guantanamo Bay for electrocution.

A few sheep who raised their voices to suggest that perhaps Mr Assole might have perhaps been hoist by his own petard after shamelessly courting publicity to become the instantly-recognisable public face of the Wikileaks organisation were collectively scorned before their pitifully unenlightened comments were finally squeezed out of sides of the cracking internet by the unceasing squeals of the tinfoil hat community.

In the unlikely event that Mr Assole lives, self-appointed experts suggest that he will end his days as a team captain on a weakly satirical news quiz, a tool of the very establishment of which he will unconvincingly claim to be a critic.

“You know - like Ian Hislop,” tweeted several thousand fiercely-independent members of the paranoid hive mind collective. “He went to a public school, you know. They all have lunch together once a week, that lot.”

“FACT,” they chorused.

UFO Unit Closed By Reptile-Dominated Military

The worldwide web is in danger of crashing today, owing to the unprecedented levels of posting, blogging, Tweeting and trolling which have followed the Ministry of Defence announcement that it is closing down its UFO investigations unit and redeploying its bored staff member to duties less detrimental to his CV.

According to the world's estimated 175 million leading self-appointed UFO experts, the unit's closure has already been irrefutably linked to the Tiger Woods crash, the shooting of Guinean military leader Captain Moussa Dadis Camara, a meeting held by the Nepalese cabinet on Mount Everest, the banning of a strange malodorous man from a library in Leicestershire, the recent spate of Virgin broadband outages and the death of Dambusters actor Richard Todd.

"Everything in the entire world is part of a huge alien conspiracy," said veteran troll THEYAreComing - albeit originally in capital letters - in the comments section of a clip of meerkats on YouTube. "The MoD is completely infiltrated by shape-changing lizards of the New World Order, acting on the orders of Hitler's EU. This unit was logging thousands of calls every week reporting incontrovertible UFO sightings. And that's just the ones I was making."

"What really keeps me awake at night - apart from obsessively flaming all the moronic brainwashed sheep who dare to question my brilliantly-reasoned and exhaustively-researched arguments, which are supported by all rational scientific geniuses, not least David Icke - is the knowledge that 'they' know where I live, and I could now disappear at any time," he added. "And I mean permanently, not like when my 75-year-old mother shouts up the stairs to let me know that my eggy soldiers are ready and cut just the way I like them."

A spokesman for the MoD said that, after 60 years of looking in vain for flying saucers, greys, mothership, men in black, ladies in red, death stars, cloaked Klingon birds of prey and occupants of interplanetary most extraordinary craft, the government had decided to reassess its military priorities, culminating in the reassignment of the UFO unit's staff to ironing an unspecified general's medal ribbons.

"Don't listen to that paedo retard," urged THEYAreCOMING. "He just emailed me to beg me for gay sex. And he married his sister."

Obama Was Born To Be Alive, Insists White House

Exasperated White House aides have reiterated the message that President Obama is indeed a citizen of the United States by birth, in the face of persistent conspiracy theories claiming that he was in fact not born in Hawaii at all, but assembled in some factory in the Far East, or possibly space.

The so-called 'birthers' have not been dissuaded by the posting online of Mr Obama's birth certificate, nor by assurances from the non-partisan Annenberg Public Policy Center of the University of Pennsylvania that the original certificate is genuine, with right-wing talk-show hosts claiming that, as a machine politician assembled in a factory by other machines, the President in ineligible to hold the highest office in the land.

"The fact that he's an uppity nigger-boy with ideas above his station has nothing to do with it," screamed shock-jock Cletus Himmler, a senior crypto-rantist at popular extremist propaganda station K-NAZ. "Some of my best friends are black. Not on the surface, admittedly - but deep in their hearts, where it counts."

The president himself has so far declined to enter the debate, as he is currently being retrofitted with a hardware update which will enable him to stun opponents up to two miles away with a subsonic audio-pulse.

"Is there anything you can say which will make the birthers go away?" mused White House spokesman Robert Gibbs. "Probably not, as it seems there are now more hysterical Nazis in the United States today than in the whole of Greater Germany in 1939."

X Marks The Spot - Or So They Want You To Think

Conspiracy theorists turned out in force yesterday in London for the UK premiere of the latest X-Files movie, I Want To Believe, hoping to catch a glimpse of stars David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson.

The film is the second big-screen spin-off from the TV drama-documentary series, which ran from 1993 to 2002 chronicling every paranormal incident that took place in America during that period.

“Everything in the X-Files is 100% true,” insisted 45-year-old fan Justin Geek. “Of course, they had to pretend it was fiction, or THEY would never have allowed it to be shown. It’s all part of the big mind-control experiment that the governments of the world use to keep the truth from us. You can Google it, if you don’t believe me. Check it out.”

Some fans, however, were not convinced by the stars’ red-carpet appearance.

“That’s not Gillian Anderson,” said a disappointed and fearful Robert Anorak, 45. “Scully is a babe. This lookalike is old enough to be my girlfriend, if I ever had one. Sure, there’s some resemblance I suppose, but is that they best THEY could do? I think we should dissect her, in case she’s an alien.”

Another fan, Julie Plain, aged 45, waved her autograph book in rage.

“David Duchovny signed my autograph book at the opening of the last movie in 1998,” she complained. “But look at this signature I got five minutes ago. The D’s are bigger, and there’s a longer tail on the Y. It’s a good forgery – of course, it would be - but what happened to the real David? Why are THEY doing this? I’m going to start a forum thread when I get home – if I get home, of course, because now THEY’ve seen me speaking to you my life is in danger.”

After the premiere, the fans’ elderly parents arrived in a fleet of little Daihatsus to pick them up and take them home.