Journalists Scramble To Interview 477 Freed Palestinians

477 book and film deals can't be far off

Fights broke out on the streets of Gaza City today, as Western reporters scrambled over each other in their eagerness to speak to the 477 Palestinians finally freed today after years of negotiation with the Israelis.

The Palestinians were the first beneficiaries of the current Israeli exchange rate, which has recently soared an all-time high of 1027 Palestinians to the Jew.

"You can't imagine how we felt when we heard we were going to be dumped in Egypt," chorused the 477 Palestinians in unison as they finally arrived back in Gaza in a fleet of rickety buses. "We received this news about an hour ago, and we felt then that this would be our last chance to be free. They were long years. Of course we missed our families very much. We also missed our friends. We hope this deal will lead to peace between Palestinians and Israelis and that it will support cooperation between both sides.”

“We also believe in Santa, Peter Pan and the Tooth Fairy," they smiled.

Netunyahu Coins World’s Greatest Understatement

QED

Israeli prime minister Benjamin Netunyahu today made the record books, as he told America - with unprecedented understatement – that it “does not understand reality”.

“Mr Netunyahu was talking specifically about Washington’s blithe suggestion that Israel revert to its pre-1967 borders, of course,” commented a spokesman for Ripley’s Believe-It Truthitorium (formerly Ripley’s Believe-It-Or-Not Odditorium), “But when you factor in all the crap that’s currently floating around about tomorrow’s Rapture and add it to decades of furious denials of the bleeding obvious and equally barmy belief in any old nonsense that they pick up on Fox News Channel – well, to say that Americans don’t understand reality is like… like… No, I’m sorry, there’s simply no adequate simile or metaphor in any known language.”

“Except perhaps the secret language spoken by angels, greys, lizard men and beings from the eleventh dimension,” he added. “Yeah, I bet they know exactly what it’s like.”

David Cameron, meanwhile, was quick to declare Britain’s unqualified and enthusiastic support for whatever load of utter cobblers America thinks it does understand.

Film Critics Divided Over New Israeli Blockade-Buster Hit

Newly-released movie ‘Pirates of the Mediterranean’ opened around the world this morning to mixed reviews, with an enthusiastic thumbs-up from Israel’s filmgoers tempered by brickbats from critics in Britain, Denmark, France, Germany, Greece, Ireland, Italy, Sweden and Turkey.

The boisterous sea-going romp features an outnumbered band of jolly ne’er-do-wells (the Israeli Commandos, led by stylish, charming heart-throb Johnny Depp) on a madcap mission to intercept deadly humanitarian treasure before it falls into the clutches of evil, moustachio-twirling Palestinian civilians.

“The wobbly camera-work follows the regrettable modern fad of foregoing the use of a Steadicam to generate a spurious feeling of authenticity,” said a Foreign Office reviewer in London. “However, the feisty action sequences - in which a handful of jolly pirates, armed to the teeth and decked out their traditional striped handkerchiefs – cheefully leap into action against literally hundreds of club-wielding passengers are brilliantly choreographed. There’s a lot of killing, needless to say - but concerned parents will be relieved to learn that the blood-letting mostly takes place off-screen.”

The film is set in international waters, against a historical backdrop of Israel’s unilateral blockade of the lawless Gaza Strip. The plot - which some critics say is lost completely - involves a Turkish galleon setting sail to beat the blockade with its fabulous treasure of K-rations and sticking plasters, fiercely guarded by a rag-tag crew of six hundred peace-crazed ruffians scoured from the four corners of the globe. The boarding party of cheeky Israeli pirates sets off in a motley flotilla of leaky helicopters and wormy inflatables, determined to intercept the lumbering galleon and seize the prized aid before it can succour the desperate Palestinian hordes.

“Our happy-go-lucky heroes aren’t afraid of anything,” said enthusiastic fan Binyamin Netunyahu, who is proud of his huge collection of pirate toys. “Least of all what the world thinks of them.”

The world is already looking forward eagerly to a sequel, in which the US leads a huge fleet of heavily-armed men-o-war into the area to prevent any further acts of wanton piracy and bring the dashing cut-throats to justice. However, film buffs are predicting a long and disappointing wait.

Newly-Released Video Tops Charts In Shalitmania-Struck Israel

Captured soldier Gilad Shalit's long-awaited new video has broken all records in Israel, going straight to the top of the Israeli charts on the day it was released.

The 23-year-old member of the Israeli Defence Force rocketed to fame two years ago when Palestinian agents dug under the wall that Israel built around them, made an unscheduled personal appearance at a border checkpoint and selected him at gunpoint from several rival candidates, ensuring worldwide headlines for the young Israeli. He has spent the intervening time being carefully groomed for stardom in an undisclosed location in the Gaza, prior to today's dazzling launch of his debut video in a worldwide blaze of publicity.

The video went on sale in Israel at the very reasonable price of just 20 Palestinian women.

"We all love Gilad Shalit! He's like totally dreamy. I go all damp just thinking about him," screamed a typical semi-hysterical fan, prime minister Benjamin Netunyahu, jumping up and down and clutching a picture of his heart-throb. "I'd be prepared to do absolutely anything for a chance to see him live on stage in Tel Aviv."

"Regardless of international opinion," he added.

Obama Boycotts Racism Conference For Anti-Racist Bias

The US government says it will boycott April's UN conference on racism in Geneva, because somebody might say something uncomplimentary about its very good friend and customer, Israel.

The rest of the world responded by asking America if it could suggest a more glaring example of an ethnically-divided society in today's world, in which members of one race pitilessly inflict a brutal, punitive grip on those with the misfortune to be born into a different ethnic group, whilst themselves enjoying the lavish fruits of a luxurious, privileged lifestyle.

Members of America's ethnic minorities living in crime-ridden slums, trapped hopelessly in minimum-wage jobs, languishing in overcrowded prisons or dying painfully from life-threatening ailments because they are unable to pay for treatment were left scratching their heads for an answer. After some hesitation, though, they told reporters they were proud to be Americans in a new era of equality and opportunity where a black man has finally made it all the way to the White House, before walking away frowning and stroking their chins.

BBC's Cherished Reputation To Remain Untarnished By One-Sided Appeals for Aid

The BBC has banned an appeal for aid for Gaza, claiming it wishes to avoid compromising its immaculate reputation for impartiality.

The appeal comes from the Disasters Emergency Committee, an umbrella organisation representing a number of aid agencies, which says there is "clear evidence" that the British public want to help the stricken victims of the devastating Israeli invasion.

"Our reputation for maintaining a completely unbiased stance is well-known and widely respected throughout the entire BBC," said a spokesman. "Obviously, our fond belief in our own godlike impartiality is far more important than the mere welfare of 1,300,000 Palestinians. However, the BBC will continue to report the humanitarian story in Gaza, which should provide us with plenty of first-rate, award-winning footage of children dying photogenically in the arms of their weeping parents - as long as these bleeding-heart do-gooders don't spoil it by alleviating their camera-friendly suffering."

"Anyway, ITV and all the other channels have banned the appeal too," he added, "So why don't you piss off and pester them instead?"

The BBC is, however, thought to be considering the possibility of allowing the appeal to be shown if the DEC also runs a balancing appeal for aid to Israel, which is said to be desperately short of munitions following its blitzkrieg on Gaza.

"Please give generously," said a visibly-moved Prime Minister Ehud Olmert. "Did you know that a single 1000kg bomb can remove shelter for an entire street of Palestinians? Just one smoke-marker shell, if fired humanely into a UN compound full of refugees, will guarantee years of hospital care for children suffering from horrific phosphorus burns. But our stocks are running low. With your help we can finally bring lasting peace to this troubled land, by eradicating the spectre of Palestinians forever."

Peace Breaks Out in Joyful Gaza

There was dancing in the streets of the Gaza Strip today, as both Israeli and Hamas forces began their independent ceasefires.

Israel was the first to unilaterally declare a ceasefire, when Prime Minister Ehud Olmert yesterday announced that all of Israel's objectives had been achieved.

"We have reached our goal of putting at least one large hole in every man-made structure in Gaza," he said. "But more importantly, we have incurred the renewed wrath of the entire Islamic world, stuck two fingers up at everyone on the planet and finally kicked the shit out of the UN for the sixty-six blatantly anti-Semitic resolutions it has passed since 1956 condemning our completely justifiable - and commendably restrained - acts of self-defence."

"Having achieved these aims and then some, we are therefore halting our removal of the Palestinians from the face of the earth for the time being," he added, "Well, certainly until we've bought some more ammo from our totally-impartial suppliers, namely Britain, France and the United States."

Not to be outdone, Hamas today announced that it was having a ceasefire of its own.

"We have clearly won this battle, as everyone can see," said a one-legged Hamas spokesman, speaking with difficulty through the bloodstained rags wrapped around his head. "The reeling Zionist invaders have received serious scuff-marks on their tracks, and their warplanes have suffered badly-scorched paintwork in the vicinity of the rocket-launcher rails. If one Israeli soldier remains in the Gaza Strip a week from now, however, with any luck we'll have put a couple more rockets together out of any spares we can pull out of the rubble."

Meanwhile, the Gaza Strip is all smiles, with former enemies hugging in the rubble-strewn streets.

"I guess the Palestinians are just ordinary folks like us, really," grinned Sgt. Daniel Peled from atop his flower-decked Merkava tank. "I just showed some photos of my wife and kids back home to my new friend Khaled, and said how much I was missing them and looking forward to seeing them soon in Tel Aviv. I even invited him to drop by one day, if he's ever in the area. In return, he showed me some photos of his wife and kids buried under their home, and told me how much he missed them and hoped to see them soon in Paradise. He says he's dying to take me with him, too. What a nice guy!"

Defiant Palestinians Still Stubbornly Threatening Israel With Fireworks

As UN Secretary-General Ban Ki-Moon embarks on a futile hand-wringing visit to the Gaza Strip, Israeli Slaughterer-General Gabi Ashkenazi said there was "still work ahead" in the shattered region.

"By 'work', I mean the razing of any remaining buildings of more than half a storey in height," he went on to explain, "And by 'ahead', I mean until our elections are over."

Meanwhile, Israel graciously consented to allow a humanitarian aid convoy through its massive prison wall that surrounds the Palestinians, to drop off urgently-needed supplies in Israeli-controlled areas where they are not so urgently needed.

On the 18th day of the somewhat one-sided contest, Israeli warplanes and helicopter gunships have been raining another 60 lethal bombardments on targets in and around the southern town of Rafah, while tanks continue to close in on the heart of Gaza City, bringing the death toll among Palestinians to at least 933. Diehard Hamas supporters retaliated by launching two rockets from a bottle in the general direction of Israel, leaving the Israeli casualty list unchanged and barely into double figures.

"We would have launched more," said a Hamas spokesman, "But we ran out of matches. Allah is great - but unfortunately it seems that, right now, the Israeli army is considerably greater."

Blair Strolls In, Solves Middle East Crisis

The peace representative of the Four Powers to the Middle East, Tony Blair, has suddenly appeared from nowhere - strangely enough, as coincidence would have it, on the very day that President Bush told the world he was giving Mr Blair the Presidential medal of Freedom - and announced that he has worked out the solution to the Israeli assault on the Gaza Strip.

"Look. It's very simple," grinned Mr Blair. "All you have to do is cut off the weapons supply from Egypt to Hamas. I haven't worked out the details. Gosh, do you realise the pressure I'm under to write an acceptance speech for this wonderful shiny medal, which my very good friend George is giving me in a week's time in recognition of my great work in bringing freedom, democracy and human rights to the whole world? No, don't laugh."

On hearing Tony Blair's revelation, the US President immediately announced plans to close off the supply of arms to Hamas - by invading Egypt immediately.

"And if Egypt's neighbours, Libya and Sudan, try to supply it with arms - hell, we'll invade them too," he laughed. "Why not? I want to go out on a high note. Freedom, democracy, human rights - I'll bring them to the people of the Eastern Mid, if it kills them."

When asked whether, in the interests of balance, he would consider cutting off Israel's supply of weapons from the United States as well, Mr Bush just looked confused.

'Now Look Here,' Brown Warns Israelis

Israel was said to be seriously considering withdrawing its army from the Gaza Strip after Gordon Brown finally decided to open his mouth and say something about their campaign against Hamas, now in its second week.

"This is serious international criticism," said repentant Israeli President Shimon Peres. "When it was just that little twerp Miliband making bleating noises, naturally we took no notice of whatever it was he was saying. And when people all over the world demonstrated the strength of their opposition to our indiscriminate bombing raids by taking to the streets yesterday, we just laughed at them and sent in the tanks as well. But when a statesman of the stature and gravitas of Gordon Brown says, 'Now then, now then' - well, we have to sit up and listen."

Mr Brown's wise words suggest a rift in UK-US attitudes to Israel, coming less than a day after almost-time-expired US President George W Bush said Israel could do whatever it liked, and he would blame Hamas alone for everything.

"Look at history," said the President . "Everyone says, like, 'Oh, Hitler was a bad guy' for invading Poland in 1939. But we should also recall that he was forced into it by the blatant aggression of the terrorist Polish government in refusing to let the peace-loving Nazis goose-step their way through to Danzig whenever they felt like it. World War II? I blame the Poles."

Peace Breaks Out in Gaza

The shaky truce in the Gaza Strip between Israel and Hamas appears to be holding, according to observers.

In the days before the peace deal came into effect on Wednesday, Israeli forces made several armed incursions into Palestinian territory, and flurries of missiles were fired into Israel. However, the first 36 hours of the truce have seen no major incidents.

Hamas officials and Israeli military commanders say that the truce shows every sign of lasting, at least until both sides have brought up fresh stocks to replace all the ammunition they expended just before it came into effect.

Oppression of Minorities - Never Again

The presidents of Poland and Israel have attended a moving ceremony to mark the 65th anniversary of the Warsaw Uprising, in which Jewish residents fought a futile battle against the Nazis who were trying to eradicate the Warsaw Ghetto - a small, overcrowded area sealed off from the rest of the world by walls and fences in which the Jews had been herded and left to fend for themselves as best they could, forgotten by the rest of the world.

In a moving speech, Polish president Lech Kaczynski said the world should remain vigilant in order to prevent a repeat of such horrors. Israeli president Shimon Peres said that the fighters represented the victory of humanity over bestiality. Palestinian president Mahmoud Abbas didn’t say anything, because nobody invited him.