Rick Astley To Resolve US Budget Deadlock

As the standoff between President Barack Obama and Republicans in the House of Representatives drags the United States inexorably closer to running out of cash to pay its bills, White House experts have invited lovable British pop veteran Rick Astley to apply his vocal talents to breaking the deadlock before the August 2 deadline.

“Ooh ooh,” commented Astley, 45, wasting no time in calling the warring factions together. “We're no strangers to love. You know the rules and so do I. A full commitment's what I'm thinking of. You wouldn't get this from any other guy. I just wanna tell you how I'm feeling
Gotta make you understand.”

Indeed

House speaker John Boehnkers was clearly moved as 80s sensation Astley faithfully guaranteed never to give him up, let him down, run around, desert him, make him cry, tell a lie or hurt him. Turning to the president, Mr Astley went on: “We've known each other for so long. Your heart's been aching, but you're too shy to say it. Inside we both know what's been going on. We know the game and we're gonna play it.”

“And if you ask me how I'm feeling,” he added sagely, before making the same pledge to Mr Obama, “Don't tell me you're too blind to see.”

International credit rating agencies, meanwhile, stepped up efforts to ship giant ‘Closing Down - Everything Must Go!” billboards into the Washington area, ready for posting in front of federal buildings next Tuesday morning.