Showing posts with label society. Show all posts
Showing posts with label society. Show all posts
Sunday, 20 May 2012
Friday, 27 April 2012
Plymouth Puts Shiny New £46m Life Centre On eBay – No Reserve
As Britain’s local authorities agreed today that they could either continue to change your granny’s pissy knickers once a week or run the facilities they were entrusted with generations ago for the public to benefit from, Plymouth City Council leader Viv Pengelly nailed a giant ‘EVERYTHING MUST GO!!!’ sign to its just-opened £46m sports complex, The Life Centre, and posted it on eBay with a starting price of just 99p.
The eBay listing describes the Life Centre as a “Bran new sport’s complexs, including familey lesure pool, fitnes's sweet for 150 janner’s, kid's climing wall. Paint still drieing! Hardley used. Surounded by 250 acers of lush green parkland in prime central location (see my other auction's). Cost 46,500,000 £££’s new. Reason for sale: unwanted gift.”
A spokesman for the cash-strapped westcountry council – which, in recent years, has already divested itself of its buses, its airport, all hope for the future and any pretence at caring – pointed out that all local authorities were being forced to dream up new ways of meeting the staggering cost of wringing stale wee out of your nan’s bedclothes without negatively impacting on their hardworking senior officers’ modest remuneration packages.
“You could say that it was perhaps a trifle lavish of Plymouth City Council to throw money it hadn’t got at a monumental vanity project its citizens couldn’t afford,” he explained. “But you won’t say it in the local paper, because it was their damn fool suggestion in the first place.”
“And, of course, it goes without saying that you’ve long since forgotten that you all said it was a bloody brilliant idea at the time,” he added.
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| Ikea and Fyffes Bananas have already placed bids |
A spokesman for the cash-strapped westcountry council – which, in recent years, has already divested itself of its buses, its airport, all hope for the future and any pretence at caring – pointed out that all local authorities were being forced to dream up new ways of meeting the staggering cost of wringing stale wee out of your nan’s bedclothes without negatively impacting on their hardworking senior officers’ modest remuneration packages.
“You could say that it was perhaps a trifle lavish of Plymouth City Council to throw money it hadn’t got at a monumental vanity project its citizens couldn’t afford,” he explained. “But you won’t say it in the local paper, because it was their damn fool suggestion in the first place.”
“And, of course, it goes without saying that you’ve long since forgotten that you all said it was a bloody brilliant idea at the time,” he added.
Thursday, 5 April 2012
Country Obsessed By Weather Still No Closer To Understanding How It Works
As water companies imposed hosepipe bans on the drought-struck south east, a furious Middle England took time out from demanding the immediate return of last weekend’s unseasonal sunshine to turn on all the taps in a spontaneous act of principled defiance against corporate bully boys, prudence and all reason.
“How bastard dare these profiteering, jumped-up gauleiters from Thames Water tell me I can’t fill up my swimming pool on the off-chance that I might want to freeze my bollocks off in the middle of a downpour?” seethed Rob Blind, a jumped-up senior profiteer at Gauleiter Bank AG’s London office, as he truculently scoured his BMW Z4 convertible down to the bare metal in a maniacal frenzy of repetitive car-washing disorder. “It’s my sodding water, I’m bloody paying through the nose for it, so I’ll do whatever I damn well like with it.”
“If there’s such a desperate shortage, why don’t they just cut off Peckham?” he demanded. “They can put their precious standpipes outside the Jobcentres and the magistrates’ courts. That sort are used to queueing, aren’t they?”
“Damn and blast it, it’s spitting with rain again!” he roared obsessively. “Now I’ll have to wash all those spots off my car’s newly-exposed bodywork before the bloody thing collapses in a heap of rust. Why isn’t the sun shining? Call this summer? How am I supposed to fill a car with water with the bloody roof up?”
“Pass me that goddamned hose again!” he screamed.
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| This is what Britain should be like, but with a car wash and a jacuzzi |
“If there’s such a desperate shortage, why don’t they just cut off Peckham?” he demanded. “They can put their precious standpipes outside the Jobcentres and the magistrates’ courts. That sort are used to queueing, aren’t they?”
“Damn and blast it, it’s spitting with rain again!” he roared obsessively. “Now I’ll have to wash all those spots off my car’s newly-exposed bodywork before the bloody thing collapses in a heap of rust. Why isn’t the sun shining? Call this summer? How am I supposed to fill a car with water with the bloody roof up?”
“Pass me that goddamned hose again!” he screamed.
Wednesday, 28 March 2012
Riot Panel Should Be Fined For Illogicality, Say Schools
Schools have suggested that the Riots, Communities and Victims Panel should be fined for failing to achieve minimum levels of logicality, after years of pent-up rage and anger suddenly exploded today into full-scale disturbances in teachers’ common rooms all over Britain.
“If you can’t produce a reasoned conclusion from a basic premise, what hope is there for you?” yelled a furious deputy head in Croydon, as he filled his breast pocket with board markers from a threadbare stationary cupboard. “Their specious argument that teaching will somehow improve with less funding available just goes to show what little chance these children have of ever making a valuable contribution to society.”
“I blame low expectations,” shouted a masked deputy head in Tottenham. “These slackers know the public expect all of society’s woes to be our fault and nobody else’s. It’s sheer cynical opportunism.”
“That’s two Ps,” he shouted as he grabbed a TV and ran off to show Shakespeare In Love to Year 10. “Look it up.”
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| A sickening and inexcusable display of violence |
“I blame low expectations,” shouted a masked deputy head in Tottenham. “These slackers know the public expect all of society’s woes to be our fault and nobody else’s. It’s sheer cynical opportunism.”
“That’s two Ps,” he shouted as he grabbed a TV and ran off to show Shakespeare In Love to Year 10. “Look it up.”
Thursday, 3 November 2011
Half Of Britain Wants The Other Half Put In Cages
The older half of the UK population thinks the younger half are blood-drenched psychopaths, every last one of them, and ought to be clapped in irons immediately and left in dungeons to rot, according to research imagined today.
“There’s one of them horrible young drug-addicts now, lurking behind the bakery counter and grinning like a wanking Jap,” gasped frail Edna Potter, 92, one of the 2,000 people surveyed by children’s charity Barnardo’s. “Have you got one of them wireless telewhatnots? Could I trouble you to call the police? I don’t want any of them young hooligans with guns, mind, they’ll shoot you as soon as give you the time of day.”
“What hope is there for childhood in the UK today if this is how adults think?” commented Anne Marie Harakiri, chief executive of Barnardo’s. “We seem to have forgotten the fact that most children have only killed once or twice, and usually because their victims goad them into it by asking them to tidy their room or go to school or something.”
“We aren't asking people to put up with being beaten to death by five-year-olds, but we do need to change our attitudes towards troubled children,” she added. “But in the meantime, you can always leave the vicious little fuckers to rot in one of the many secure child dumps we are proud to operate in partnership with Serco.”
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| This is what they're all like, you know |
“What hope is there for childhood in the UK today if this is how adults think?” commented Anne Marie Harakiri, chief executive of Barnardo’s. “We seem to have forgotten the fact that most children have only killed once or twice, and usually because their victims goad them into it by asking them to tidy their room or go to school or something.”
“We aren't asking people to put up with being beaten to death by five-year-olds, but we do need to change our attitudes towards troubled children,” she added. “But in the meantime, you can always leave the vicious little fuckers to rot in one of the many secure child dumps we are proud to operate in partnership with Serco.”
Sunday, 9 October 2011
Survey Sticks Two Fingers Up To Perceptions Of Rudeness
A survey conducted by The Young Foundation has “pissed all over” the notion that standards of politeness in the UK are in a state of decline - claiming that the youth of today are, in fact, “far less fucking rude than the miserable old cunts who disrespect them.”
“I was absolutely fucked sideways by how central it was to lives,” snarled Will Norman, one of the report’s authors. “Civility is underpinned by reciprocity, or 'tit for twat'. Bastards treating other bastards how they would like to be fucking treated. Respect and kindness are fucking contagious.”
According to Mr Norman’s report, the idea of a ‘golden age’ of politeness when people said ‘if you please’, ‘would you mind?’ and ‘thank you so much’ is “an outright fucking lie” spread by “pissy old farts who haven’t had a memorable fuck in their entire shitty lives.” Previous generations, he argues, were actually far more toilet-mouthed than the little angels of the 21st century.
“Jesus H Christ on a fucking unicycle, you should hear the shit the censors hacked out of ‘Brief Encounter’,” insisted Mr Norman. “David Lean’s original cut is four shocking hours of unremitting obscenity, in which Trevor Howard and Celia Johnson constantly brag about how they’d like to fuck each other bandy with a stupefying assortment of sex toys.”
“Piss flaps,” he concluded.
“I was absolutely fucked sideways by how central it was to lives,” snarled Will Norman, one of the report’s authors. “Civility is underpinned by reciprocity, or 'tit for twat'. Bastards treating other bastards how they would like to be fucking treated. Respect and kindness are fucking contagious.”
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| A farrago of sickening filth from beginning to end |
“Jesus H Christ on a fucking unicycle, you should hear the shit the censors hacked out of ‘Brief Encounter’,” insisted Mr Norman. “David Lean’s original cut is four shocking hours of unremitting obscenity, in which Trevor Howard and Celia Johnson constantly brag about how they’d like to fuck each other bandy with a stupefying assortment of sex toys.”
“Piss flaps,” he concluded.
Tuesday, 9 August 2011
Selfish, Materialistic Society Condemns Selfish, Materialistic Looters
As Britain burns in a lawless orgy of looting, a nation which has spent the last thirty years gleefully constructing a selfish, materialistic, devil-take-the-hindmost hell for itself erupted in fury last night at the selfish, materialistic actions of the hindmost.
“How bloody dare they?” spluttered Marcus Fellows, a Croydon call centre manager, as borough after borough descended into lawless disorder. “I pay 30% of my hard-earned salary so these ungrateful bastards can squat in their opulent council palaces, shooting up with all the horse tranquilisers they can lay their hands on. Look, I paid £650 for this bloody iPad 2 – where’s my comfortable feeling of entitlement gone when every skanky little toerag decides he’s just as entitled to one as me?”
Elsewhere, incensed Bristol-based accountant James White spoke for many as he demanded the immediate deployment of riot squads with orders to take down anyone seen wearing brand new trainers.
“What’s called for is the same sort of heavy-handed confrontational policing that I condemned so roundly in December when the students were demonstrating over tuition fees,” he snarled. “While it was unacceptably brutal when my middle-class son Tom was on the sharp end of it, crude violence is obviously the only language the underclass understand.”
His wife Jessica, whose idea of grinding poverty is having to keep a car for three years instead of two, scoffed at the idea that people like her had in any way contributed to the creation of the underclass monster which was suddenly rampaging through Britain’s high streets.
“As Margaret Thatcher said back in the eighties, there is no such thing as society,” she pointed out shrilly. “So don’t you dare try to blame anything on me or I’ll call the police, you murdering communist bastard.”
“How bloody dare they?” spluttered Marcus Fellows, a Croydon call centre manager, as borough after borough descended into lawless disorder. “I pay 30% of my hard-earned salary so these ungrateful bastards can squat in their opulent council palaces, shooting up with all the horse tranquilisers they can lay their hands on. Look, I paid £650 for this bloody iPad 2 – where’s my comfortable feeling of entitlement gone when every skanky little toerag decides he’s just as entitled to one as me?”
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| London this morning |
“What’s called for is the same sort of heavy-handed confrontational policing that I condemned so roundly in December when the students were demonstrating over tuition fees,” he snarled. “While it was unacceptably brutal when my middle-class son Tom was on the sharp end of it, crude violence is obviously the only language the underclass understand.”
His wife Jessica, whose idea of grinding poverty is having to keep a car for three years instead of two, scoffed at the idea that people like her had in any way contributed to the creation of the underclass monster which was suddenly rampaging through Britain’s high streets.
“As Margaret Thatcher said back in the eighties, there is no such thing as society,” she pointed out shrilly. “So don’t you dare try to blame anything on me or I’ll call the police, you murdering communist bastard.”
Saturday, 30 October 2010
Better Start Wiping Pensioners’ Bums If You’re Planning On Getting Old Yourself, Suggests Government
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| Mr Parsons can't wait to introduce you to his runny bottom |
The voluntary scheme would give people the freedom to decide whether to clean shit off the senile on a regular basis for the whole of their working lives, or die of neglect once they retire.
In Japan, where the scheme has been in operation since 1991, volunteers are entitled to ‘bank’ the hours they spend caring for the elderly in the hope that a future government might in some way take care of them in return when they reach old age.
“UK life expectancy is currently 80 years,” said care services minister Paul Burstard. “For most people, that’s going to mean well over 100,000 hours of retirement. Therefore, on a pro rata basis, today’s 18-year-olds should probably plan on spending about 40 hours a week of their spare time hauling dribbling senior citizens in an out of the bath, just to be on the safe side.”
Charities have given a cautious welcome to the general principle of encouraging people to volunteer, but also pointed out that this was “the stupidest fucking nonsense” they’d heard since the repeal of the Poor Laws in 1948.
Tuesday, 17 August 2010
Poor Happier To Pay For Bankers’ Mistakes After Osborne Explains New Definition of Fairness
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| George Osborne meeting a man who has lost what little he had |
“It's not a question of the cost of the reform. It's a question of the reform leading to a fundamentally fairer society," explained Mr Osborne, referring both to colleague Iain Duncan Smith’s plans to slash welfare spending on the unemployed, the elderly, the sick and the disabled, and his own targets to slash essential public services. “These useless mouths are, of course, fair game as they’re not contributing anything to Britain’s recovery.”
“And what could be fairer than removing the link between regulated rail fares and the rate of inflation?” he added. “If you don’t like it, all you have to do is stay at home and it won’t affect you in the slightest.”
“Finally, after Britain’s hardworking bankers have pulled out all the stops to make enormous profits again, I say ‘fair play’ to them and let them keep all their huge bonuses,” he added.
Sunday, 15 August 2010
Cameron Lays Wreath To Commemorate Death Of War Veterans’ Dreams Of A Fairer Society
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| Try not to remember this bit |
“We must never forget the sacrifices made and the dedication showed by those who served our country in the Second World War,” he said. “However, we should most certainly forget that what they overwhelmingly wanted to come home to was a decent, caring society in which poverty, inequality and the rigid class system would be banished forever, to be replaced by a caring welfare state, universal healthcare, a decent education system based on merit rather than social status, fair working conditions and decent, affordable housing.”
“To think of such things at this time - or indeed at any other time - would be a grave disservice to the honoured memory of those 30,000 brave chaps who died today, or whatever,” he added.
“VJ Day - the day the Second World War ended, or so old ‘Two-Brains’ Willetts tells me - is a time for this generation to reflect and show its gratitude to our veterans for their bravery, dedication and sacrifice,” he explained, to mounting catcalls from elderly veterans. “It’s certainly not a time to ask what they were fighting for. We don’t do that any more, do we?”
Saturday, 14 August 2010
Underclass Terrified By Runaway Social Engineering Train
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| Underclass: service terminates here |
The machinery of social reform had been coupled to the back of a long train of right-wing thought which was being used to make radical alterations to the Underclass system, when it suddenly became completely unhinged and began to roll backwards, gaining momentum rapidly and causing chaos as it hurtled past people’s heads, threatening to suck them all into a dark, Victorian tunnel towards a dead end.
“I was looking down that tunnel only moments earlier,” said a shocked eyewitness, moments after the rattling juggernaut charged past. “There was no light at the end of it, and I’m sure there’s going to be one hell of a mess when it hits the buffers.”
“It’s a good job there were nobodies on board,” he added. “Apart from a lot of cheering Tories and several hapless Lib Dem passengers, of course.”
A spokesman for the Underclass later apologised for causing any inconvenience - but warned that unpleasant incidents were bound to become more commonplace, as profit-driven social engineers with no real experience tinkered more and more with a complex but essential system which had been delivering fewer and fewer benefits to its users for many years.
Monday, 19 July 2010
Cameron Invites Communities To Go Empower Themselves
David Cameron arrived in Liverpool today to launch his much-heralded ‘Bag Society’, in which all the services you pay for will be handed over to interfering old bags.
“This is all about empowering communities and empowering individuals,” the prime minister told a passing Scouse pigeon. “Believe me when I say I want to empower you bandy.”
Mr Cameron went on to tell a pair of fighting seagulls that he had a vision in which he would continue to help himself to the contents of your wallet, while a bunch of self-appointed busybodies with free time on their hands would apply their lack of appropriate skills and huge sense of their own importance to taking schools back to the good old days of rote-learning and the cane, replacing the library’s horrible video disc things with wholesome Enid Blyton books, shunting horrible new building projects out of their areas and into yours, nosing through your rubbish and arresting anyone they thought might be looking at them funny.
Several gentlemen of Liverpool then descended upon Mr Cameron, suggesting that he may wish to consider empowering himself sideways, before removing the wheels from his ministerial car and leaving him totally empowered up beyond all recognition.
“This is all about empowering communities and empowering individuals,” the prime minister told a passing Scouse pigeon. “Believe me when I say I want to empower you bandy.”
Mr Cameron went on to tell a pair of fighting seagulls that he had a vision in which he would continue to help himself to the contents of your wallet, while a bunch of self-appointed busybodies with free time on their hands would apply their lack of appropriate skills and huge sense of their own importance to taking schools back to the good old days of rote-learning and the cane, replacing the library’s horrible video disc things with wholesome Enid Blyton books, shunting horrible new building projects out of their areas and into yours, nosing through your rubbish and arresting anyone they thought might be looking at them funny.
Several gentlemen of Liverpool then descended upon Mr Cameron, suggesting that he may wish to consider empowering himself sideways, before removing the wheels from his ministerial car and leaving him totally empowered up beyond all recognition.
Saturday, 26 December 2009
Consumers Receive New Commandments
The Almighty God Retail - speaking through Its faithful acolyte, the Advertising Industry - today declared the Christmas Quartile officially over, but stressed that a similar Maximum Retail Opportunity would be launched in September 2010.
"Meanwhile, my overlords have instructed me to remind you all that another Maximum Retail Opportunity commenced this morning," said a senior Advertiser in his holy red-framed glasses. "Sadly, however, it has been observed that some Consumer Units have neglected their duties by selfishly remaining at home all day with their Revenue Generators, Development Prototypes and Obsolete Models. This must cease."
The Advertiser added that Development Prototypes at various stages of Launch Readiness were already being heavily targeted, via the new Mind Programmers they received yesterday.
"Attention, Development Prototypes of all sizes!" he announced. "Have you already attained Product Saturation with the pitifully small quantity of Entertainment Modules which came supplied with your Mind Programmer? Pester your Consumer Units, Revenue Generators and Obsolete Models to buy more! Spare no effort in issuing frequent reminders that some Entertainment Modules will destroy slightly less Disposable Income during the period covered by this brief Maximum Retail Opportunity!"
Consumer Units have also been alerted, via their own Mind Programmers, to the availability of strictly limited quantities of numerous Comfort Fixtures and Semi-Functional Domestic Substructures at notionally lower prices than at some unspecified point in time, along with an official notification that this Retail Singularity was profoundly unstable and could not possibly exist for much longer.
Revenue Generators in many Retail Areas of the world were reportedly groaning blasphemously at the prospect of having to double their productivity, in order to support the latest directive of the Great God Retail. Meanwhile, unpaired dual-function Generator/Consumer Units have already been hard at work all day, servicing the demands of obedient Consumer Units and their well-programmed Development Prototypes.
"Meanwhile, my overlords have instructed me to remind you all that another Maximum Retail Opportunity commenced this morning," said a senior Advertiser in his holy red-framed glasses. "Sadly, however, it has been observed that some Consumer Units have neglected their duties by selfishly remaining at home all day with their Revenue Generators, Development Prototypes and Obsolete Models. This must cease."
The Advertiser added that Development Prototypes at various stages of Launch Readiness were already being heavily targeted, via the new Mind Programmers they received yesterday.
"Attention, Development Prototypes of all sizes!" he announced. "Have you already attained Product Saturation with the pitifully small quantity of Entertainment Modules which came supplied with your Mind Programmer? Pester your Consumer Units, Revenue Generators and Obsolete Models to buy more! Spare no effort in issuing frequent reminders that some Entertainment Modules will destroy slightly less Disposable Income during the period covered by this brief Maximum Retail Opportunity!"
Consumer Units have also been alerted, via their own Mind Programmers, to the availability of strictly limited quantities of numerous Comfort Fixtures and Semi-Functional Domestic Substructures at notionally lower prices than at some unspecified point in time, along with an official notification that this Retail Singularity was profoundly unstable and could not possibly exist for much longer.
Revenue Generators in many Retail Areas of the world were reportedly groaning blasphemously at the prospect of having to double their productivity, in order to support the latest directive of the Great God Retail. Meanwhile, unpaired dual-function Generator/Consumer Units have already been hard at work all day, servicing the demands of obedient Consumer Units and their well-programmed Development Prototypes.
Thursday, 29 October 2009
Latest Tragic Substitute For Enjoyment Foisted Upon Toy-Addicted Recluses
Console addicts whose attention spans are too goddamned short to even consider ever trying to develop some sort of talent or ability are said to be "moderately enthusiastic" about the UK release of 'DJ Villain', the latest feeble substitute for actually participating in real life, if somebody else goes into Game and gets it for them.
Following on from the success of 'Guitar Villain', the pale imitation of DJ-ing enables the terminally lazy to pretend they are mixing tracks all by themselves without the terrible effort of lifting records on and off turntables. A nasty plastic imitation deck with wobbly buttons and cheap, breakable sliders will enable the goddamned fools to pretend to spin an extremely limited selection of rubbish sounds, convincing their family and friends that they will never contribute anything whatsoever to society but a regular flow of sewage.
An evil henchman from Inactivision told reporters: "'DJ Villain' and 'Guitar Villain' are only the first in an exciting range of substitutes for real human interaction that we have planned. Over the next year, we hope to flood the market with ground-breaking titles. 'Call Centre Fuckwit' will come with a flimsy headset, enabling gamers to mumble a limited set of unhelpful suggestions in response to pretend customer queries flashed up on screen, while 'Fries McBastard' will feature a cheap plastic fryer which must be regularly filled with hot fat and lengths of string and shaken in response to flashing lights."
"And look out next Christmas for the revolutionary 'Couch Potato Slob', in which the players must quickly put brightly-coloured plastic sweets, pizza slices and crisps into their mouths when prompted by such legendary gutbuckets as Elvis Presley, Robbie Coltrane, Jo Brand and Hurley from Lost," he added.
Following on from the success of 'Guitar Villain', the pale imitation of DJ-ing enables the terminally lazy to pretend they are mixing tracks all by themselves without the terrible effort of lifting records on and off turntables. A nasty plastic imitation deck with wobbly buttons and cheap, breakable sliders will enable the goddamned fools to pretend to spin an extremely limited selection of rubbish sounds, convincing their family and friends that they will never contribute anything whatsoever to society but a regular flow of sewage.
An evil henchman from Inactivision told reporters: "'DJ Villain' and 'Guitar Villain' are only the first in an exciting range of substitutes for real human interaction that we have planned. Over the next year, we hope to flood the market with ground-breaking titles. 'Call Centre Fuckwit' will come with a flimsy headset, enabling gamers to mumble a limited set of unhelpful suggestions in response to pretend customer queries flashed up on screen, while 'Fries McBastard' will feature a cheap plastic fryer which must be regularly filled with hot fat and lengths of string and shaken in response to flashing lights."
"And look out next Christmas for the revolutionary 'Couch Potato Slob', in which the players must quickly put brightly-coloured plastic sweets, pizza slices and crisps into their mouths when prompted by such legendary gutbuckets as Elvis Presley, Robbie Coltrane, Jo Brand and Hurley from Lost," he added.
Monday, 19 October 2009
Fat Bastards Dare To Complain About Being Told To Lose Weight By Concerned Members of the Public
Fat people who are fed up with being told to lose some fucking weight were told today to shut the fuck up and lose some fucking weight.
In a special 'Inside Out' documentary entitled 'Christ, Look At The Size of That', several whining gut-buckets with no self-respect or willpower will be seen waddling up to a camera and bleating about decent, caring folk who express their concerns for the health of the lard-arsed by leaning out of their car windows and shouting "You fat cunt" at them in a well-intentioned effort to convince them to lose some fucking weight.
Ordinary thin people who are absolutely free from all flaws and vices will be horrified into nervous guffawing laughter at the sight of a wobbling minger who was beaten up on a train on account of her hideous rolls of fat. They will then make various witty comments about how lucky the attackers were not to disappear into the quivering mound of flab when they punched her, suggest that assaulting people is wrong whatever the circumstances but conclude that the victim was responsible for her ordeal for letting herself go out in public looking like that in the first place. They will then feel smugly superior and switch over to watch thin people being unpleasant to each other in EastEnders.
"Perhaps now she'll lose some fucking weight," said a BBC spokesman.
In a special 'Inside Out' documentary entitled 'Christ, Look At The Size of That', several whining gut-buckets with no self-respect or willpower will be seen waddling up to a camera and bleating about decent, caring folk who express their concerns for the health of the lard-arsed by leaning out of their car windows and shouting "You fat cunt" at them in a well-intentioned effort to convince them to lose some fucking weight.
Ordinary thin people who are absolutely free from all flaws and vices will be horrified into nervous guffawing laughter at the sight of a wobbling minger who was beaten up on a train on account of her hideous rolls of fat. They will then make various witty comments about how lucky the attackers were not to disappear into the quivering mound of flab when they punched her, suggest that assaulting people is wrong whatever the circumstances but conclude that the victim was responsible for her ordeal for letting herself go out in public looking like that in the first place. They will then feel smugly superior and switch over to watch thin people being unpleasant to each other in EastEnders.
"Perhaps now she'll lose some fucking weight," said a BBC spokesman.
Sunday, 6 September 2009
Realm Can Become Paradise On Earth In Exchange For Its Babies, Says Pied Charity Boss
Martin Narey, the chief musical executive of children's charity Barnardo's, has promised the good people of Britain that he can remove the plague of problem children which has been driving the nation to distraction.
"Just listen as I play my beguiling tune, promising a simplistic solution to a complex problem," piped up the charity boss. "Leave all your unwanted babies out on the doorstep, scum, and let them crawl after me as I stroll my merry way through the streets. I will lead them to my wonderful children's home deep within the big hill outside town, where they will all grow up in a cheerful, caring environment to become happy, well-adjusted achievers and live happily ever after."
Mr Narey made his too-good-to-be-true offer in the wake of last week's court case in Doncaster - involving two out-of-control brothers who viciously attacked two young children - amid a flurry of town criers begging for somebody to come forward to rid the kingdom of its plague of children.
"Of course, if I perform this service for you, I shall expect a substantial pay rise," cautioned Mr Narey casually, as he blew an experimental toot on his freshly-polished pipes. "All those awful children of yours living in my enchanted hill will take some looking after, and the increased staffing levels mean that I will be taking on a significantly higher level of responsibility."
After consulting carefully with leading citizens (Lord Mandelson and Alistair Brown), Prime Minister Gordon Brown gave a cautious welcome to Mr Narey's wonderfully simple proposal.
"I say we let this fine fellow carry out his task, and once our towns are free of children we'll see about his reward," he said. "Of course, due to circumstances entirely beyond my control, we are not quite the prosperous realm that we were two years ago - and it's a possibility that there might be insufficient gold coins in our treasury to pay him for his services. But Mr Narey seems like a nice chap, though; I'm sure he wouldn't mind being given, say, a cardboard MBE in lieu of payment.
"I can't imagine he would be so petty as to take revenge, for example by leading all of our much-loved pet rats off to heaven knows where, never to be seen again."
"Just listen as I play my beguiling tune, promising a simplistic solution to a complex problem," piped up the charity boss. "Leave all your unwanted babies out on the doorstep, scum, and let them crawl after me as I stroll my merry way through the streets. I will lead them to my wonderful children's home deep within the big hill outside town, where they will all grow up in a cheerful, caring environment to become happy, well-adjusted achievers and live happily ever after."
Mr Narey made his too-good-to-be-true offer in the wake of last week's court case in Doncaster - involving two out-of-control brothers who viciously attacked two young children - amid a flurry of town criers begging for somebody to come forward to rid the kingdom of its plague of children.
"Of course, if I perform this service for you, I shall expect a substantial pay rise," cautioned Mr Narey casually, as he blew an experimental toot on his freshly-polished pipes. "All those awful children of yours living in my enchanted hill will take some looking after, and the increased staffing levels mean that I will be taking on a significantly higher level of responsibility."
After consulting carefully with leading citizens (Lord Mandelson and Alistair Brown), Prime Minister Gordon Brown gave a cautious welcome to Mr Narey's wonderfully simple proposal.
"I say we let this fine fellow carry out his task, and once our towns are free of children we'll see about his reward," he said. "Of course, due to circumstances entirely beyond my control, we are not quite the prosperous realm that we were two years ago - and it's a possibility that there might be insufficient gold coins in our treasury to pay him for his services. But Mr Narey seems like a nice chap, though; I'm sure he wouldn't mind being given, say, a cardboard MBE in lieu of payment.
"I can't imagine he would be so petty as to take revenge, for example by leading all of our much-loved pet rats off to heaven knows where, never to be seen again."
Tuesday, 25 August 2009
Inner Cities Like Something Off The Telly, Says Shadow Home Secretary
Parts of Britain are now so unspeakably blighted that they now look like something from the film Escape From New York, or possibly Return of the Living Dead, according to a leading Tory front-bencher.
Shadow home secretary Chris Grayling said that the UK now suffers from the same culture of gangs and undead hordes as the US, with the police fighting an "urban war" as violence and zombie cannibalism becomes "the norm and not the exception".
"The government is responsible for a decade of failure that affects the poorest in society," he said. "It is the poor who are the ones who have borne the brunt of the surge in violence and rampaging corpses under this government. It is they who struggle to live their lives against a constant fear of crime and having their brains eaten."
Mr Grayling pledged that a Conservative government would release a cynical war veteran with a grudge against society from prison to lead them out of their ghettoes, only to die within sight of safety on the mined roads leading to suburban safety.
"Failing that, we will rain enormous nuclear shells down upon the inner cities of Britain, sparing the poor from the pain of being dead," he promised.
"I get all my best ideas while watching films on the telly," said Mr Grayling brightly. "Just wait until I unveil my plans for the future of law enforcement."
Shadow home secretary Chris Grayling said that the UK now suffers from the same culture of gangs and undead hordes as the US, with the police fighting an "urban war" as violence and zombie cannibalism becomes "the norm and not the exception".
"The government is responsible for a decade of failure that affects the poorest in society," he said. "It is the poor who are the ones who have borne the brunt of the surge in violence and rampaging corpses under this government. It is they who struggle to live their lives against a constant fear of crime and having their brains eaten."
Mr Grayling pledged that a Conservative government would release a cynical war veteran with a grudge against society from prison to lead them out of their ghettoes, only to die within sight of safety on the mined roads leading to suburban safety.
"Failing that, we will rain enormous nuclear shells down upon the inner cities of Britain, sparing the poor from the pain of being dead," he promised.
"I get all my best ideas while watching films on the telly," said Mr Grayling brightly. "Just wait until I unveil my plans for the future of law enforcement."
Saturday, 22 August 2009
The Music You Like May Say Something About Your Personal Tastes, Think Cambridge Geniuses
Liking some kinds of music more than others might possibly be something to do with who you are, according to the latest blue-skies thinking by the greatest minds in Britain.
"The dean gave us a virtuoso performance of Bach's cello pieces the other evening," explained Dr Jason Strangelove of Cambridge University's social and developmental psychology department. "And while we naturally complimented him on his mastery of some of the more technically-demanding sections, comparison with a computer rendition of the MIDI file showed that he was still not quite note-perfect. However, on the way back across the quadrangle, we heard a discordant cacophony emerging from the room of a token undergraduate from a state school. Further inquiries at the porter's lodge, after the ruffian was sent down, elicited the information that the din fell into a hitherto-unsuspected category of music called 'technology' or some such nomenclature."
"It transpires that there exists a veritable cornucopia of sub-musical genres available to the common herd," he droned on. "By luring some benighted locals into our laboratories with a trail of crisps, we were able to ascertain that, in fact, many of them exhibit certain preferences which appear to be influenced - at least in part - by their rudimentary, half-formed personalities."
The dome-headed intellectuals dissected the tastes, lifestyles, opinions and bodies of the experimental subjects, eventually reaching the following conclusions about music and personality:
AMBIENT: permanent vegetative state
CHAMBER MUSIC: used as a control reference by the right sort of people
DRUM & BASS: gets jobs involving pneumatic drills; enjoys work
EMO: believes all music was written about them personally and nobody else
FOLK: lazy guitar owner; quits halfway through beginner's lessons after deciding that two chords are probably enough to pull with
HEAVY METAL: stuck in puberty; only capable of emotional involvement with computers, distortion pedals and their own genitals
INDIE: romantic self-deluder; inclined to irrational belief that not all record labels are owned by Sony
INDUSTRIAL: pet-strangler; marked hatred of colour, light and life
JAZZ: incapable of operating electric shaver due to long-term brain damage from use of cannabinoids
J-POP: thinks reading involves looking at drawings of big-eyed teenagers and cute monsters
KRAUTROCK: repressed Poland-invading proclivities
NORTHERN SOUL: wasteland-inhabiting savage; untouched by civilisation
POP: music-hating conformist; relies on constant barrage of sound to prevent thought from occurring
RAP: convict-in-waiting (violent crime)
TECHNO: convict-in-waiting (Class A drugs offences)
WORLD MUSIC: wanker
"The dean gave us a virtuoso performance of Bach's cello pieces the other evening," explained Dr Jason Strangelove of Cambridge University's social and developmental psychology department. "And while we naturally complimented him on his mastery of some of the more technically-demanding sections, comparison with a computer rendition of the MIDI file showed that he was still not quite note-perfect. However, on the way back across the quadrangle, we heard a discordant cacophony emerging from the room of a token undergraduate from a state school. Further inquiries at the porter's lodge, after the ruffian was sent down, elicited the information that the din fell into a hitherto-unsuspected category of music called 'technology' or some such nomenclature."
"It transpires that there exists a veritable cornucopia of sub-musical genres available to the common herd," he droned on. "By luring some benighted locals into our laboratories with a trail of crisps, we were able to ascertain that, in fact, many of them exhibit certain preferences which appear to be influenced - at least in part - by their rudimentary, half-formed personalities."
The dome-headed intellectuals dissected the tastes, lifestyles, opinions and bodies of the experimental subjects, eventually reaching the following conclusions about music and personality:
AMBIENT: permanent vegetative state
CHAMBER MUSIC: used as a control reference by the right sort of people
DRUM & BASS: gets jobs involving pneumatic drills; enjoys work
EMO: believes all music was written about them personally and nobody else
FOLK: lazy guitar owner; quits halfway through beginner's lessons after deciding that two chords are probably enough to pull with
HEAVY METAL: stuck in puberty; only capable of emotional involvement with computers, distortion pedals and their own genitals
INDIE: romantic self-deluder; inclined to irrational belief that not all record labels are owned by Sony
INDUSTRIAL: pet-strangler; marked hatred of colour, light and life
JAZZ: incapable of operating electric shaver due to long-term brain damage from use of cannabinoids
J-POP: thinks reading involves looking at drawings of big-eyed teenagers and cute monsters
KRAUTROCK: repressed Poland-invading proclivities
NORTHERN SOUL: wasteland-inhabiting savage; untouched by civilisation
POP: music-hating conformist; relies on constant barrage of sound to prevent thought from occurring
RAP: convict-in-waiting (violent crime)
TECHNO: convict-in-waiting (Class A drugs offences)
WORLD MUSIC: wanker
Friday, 24 July 2009
Courts Send Clear Message On Violent Behaviour
Richard Norman, a father who punched a football referee for abandoning an under-14s match, has been jailed for 18 months at Swansea Crown Court, after recorder Paul Thomas QC told him he had set a "dreadful example" to impressionable young teenagers.
"It is very important to get this clear message across to British youth that violence is completely unacceptable in a civilised society," commented Justice Secretary Jack Straw later. "This aggressive thug, who callously ignored his responsibility as a role model to his son and other teenagers, has earned a well-deserved penalty for his unacceptable behaviour."
Meanwhile, Liverpool captain Steven Wellard and Troubled Singer Whiny Shithouse - both completely unknown to young people - walked scot-free from courts today, after punching ordinary members of the public for getting within striking distance of the celebrities.
The Troubled Singer was unavailable for comment, as she emerged from the City of Westminster magistrates' court with an enormous drug in her mouth. However, an elated Steven Wellard stood triumphantly on the steps of Liverpool Crown Court, punching the air and any reporters who foolishly got within range.
"This a great victory," he grunted, beating his chest. "Me celebrate - ring rich mates - go clubbing. Us club any peasant what not run away fast enough."
"It is very important to get this clear message across to British youth that violence is completely unacceptable in a civilised society," commented Justice Secretary Jack Straw later. "This aggressive thug, who callously ignored his responsibility as a role model to his son and other teenagers, has earned a well-deserved penalty for his unacceptable behaviour."
Meanwhile, Liverpool captain Steven Wellard and Troubled Singer Whiny Shithouse - both completely unknown to young people - walked scot-free from courts today, after punching ordinary members of the public for getting within striking distance of the celebrities.
The Troubled Singer was unavailable for comment, as she emerged from the City of Westminster magistrates' court with an enormous drug in her mouth. However, an elated Steven Wellard stood triumphantly on the steps of Liverpool Crown Court, punching the air and any reporters who foolishly got within range.
"This a great victory," he grunted, beating his chest. "Me celebrate - ring rich mates - go clubbing. Us club any peasant what not run away fast enough."
Thursday, 23 July 2009
Church Unveils Two-In-One Service for Fornicators and Bastards
Children born out of wedlock can now be dunked in a font as their sinful parents belatedly tie the knot, thanks to a new 'buy-one-get-one-free' service launched today by the Church of England.
Sexually-repressed frumps whose idea of orgasmic ecstasy is a vase of nicely-arranged flowers and happy-clappy Jesus freaks who know the Bible is literally true because it says so in the Bible have, however, spoken out against the combined service.
"With this twisted travesty of a holy ritual, the bishops are giving a big thumbs-up for wicked fornicators to live in sin and beget one abominable bastard after another from their unclean, Satan-fuelled loins as they abandon themselves wholly to their perverse lusts," said a sniffy old maid who has devoted her life to writing letters of complaint to the BBC.
"Instead of making up a wicked lie that Jesus in some way approves of their unnatural passions and loves their tainted spawn, the church authorities would do well to revive the wiser traditions of our Godfearing elders," insisted a man with tiny eyes half an inch apart and no discernible forehead. "They would not have hesitated for a second before stripping these fornicators and whores naked and parading their vile shame through the streets for all to see, before flogging them unconscious and dumping their bloody carcasses on the dungheap outside the town gates, with the rest of the stinking ordure."
"And their horrid devil-brood should be exposed at birth and left on a hillside to die, before they grow horns and cloven hooves," he added. "Hallelujah!"
A spokesman for the Archbishop of Canterbury said, "Would you like a cup of tea?"
Sexually-repressed frumps whose idea of orgasmic ecstasy is a vase of nicely-arranged flowers and happy-clappy Jesus freaks who know the Bible is literally true because it says so in the Bible have, however, spoken out against the combined service.
"With this twisted travesty of a holy ritual, the bishops are giving a big thumbs-up for wicked fornicators to live in sin and beget one abominable bastard after another from their unclean, Satan-fuelled loins as they abandon themselves wholly to their perverse lusts," said a sniffy old maid who has devoted her life to writing letters of complaint to the BBC.
"Instead of making up a wicked lie that Jesus in some way approves of their unnatural passions and loves their tainted spawn, the church authorities would do well to revive the wiser traditions of our Godfearing elders," insisted a man with tiny eyes half an inch apart and no discernible forehead. "They would not have hesitated for a second before stripping these fornicators and whores naked and parading their vile shame through the streets for all to see, before flogging them unconscious and dumping their bloody carcasses on the dungheap outside the town gates, with the rest of the stinking ordure."
"And their horrid devil-brood should be exposed at birth and left on a hillside to die, before they grow horns and cloven hooves," he added. "Hallelujah!"
A spokesman for the Archbishop of Canterbury said, "Would you like a cup of tea?"
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