Showing posts with label Wikileaks. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Wikileaks. Show all posts

Wednesday, 2 November 2011

The Martyrdom Of St Julian (continued)

The forces of darkness took another brutal potshot at the long-suffering St Julian of Assange today, as Mr Justice Pentagon-Bilderberg cruelly refused to accept the acclaimed prophet of truth’s legal argument that his wandering penis is secretly being controlled by an unholy alliance consisting of President Obama, MI5, the Elders of Zion and a lizard-being from the eighth dimension.
The suffering of St Julian
The bewigged corporate slave of the High Court slavishly refused St Julian’s claim that the Swedish fannies he poked were in fact operating under secret orders from the shadow world government to wrap themselves around his spotless leakiwick, and that as such he had been raped by the Establishment.

“Let he who is without sin cast 250,000 stones all over the internet,” commented the indomitable holy man afterwards. “But first, let the faithful strive to raise a stack of cash to overcome the Satanic intrigues of Visa and Mastercard, who are completely controlled by bad microwaves emanating from a Jewish flying saucer captured and operated by the US government.”

St Julian is now understood to be considering an appeal on a point of law, namely that since no law on the statute books specifically mentions him by name, therefore no law applies to him.

Thursday, 24 February 2011

Streets Of Britain Unaccountably Quiet After Martyrdom Of Assole

Sweden
City after city in the UK mysteriously failed to erupt in spontaneous mass demonstrations of public support for St Julian of Assole, after an elaborate show trial conducted by the hated regime brutally sentenced the heroic dissident to death by extradition to Sweden.

“I’m afraid Mr Assole’s defence turned out to be full of holes,” crowed the puppet prosecuting counsel, after the travesty of a verdict was delivered at Belmarsh Magistrates’ Court amid scandalous scenes of tight security (PC49 sipping a coffee whilst on duty in the foyer). “A bit like his condoms, I suppose. Ho ho.”

Julian Assole’s life now hangs on the slender thread of lodging an appeal against his extradition to the fawning US client-state of Sweden – a chaotic land of murderous cannibals, where the basic rights of mankind are unrecognised and the light of civilisation is unknown.

“It is entirely possible that my poor client will be killed and eaten by hairy Swedish lesbians the moment he is dragged onto Viking soil, bound hand and foot and with a sock in his mouth to prevent the truth from leaking out,” warned Mr Assole’s sobbing lawyer, wearing a plastic Guy Fawkes mask to protect his identity.

It is now a foregone conclusion that, once excreted, the undigested remains of St Julian will be delivered in a bucket to the US Ambassador in Stockholm to be subjected to further horrific indignities.

However, the unspoken question which cowers behind the trembling lips of the beaten population of Britain remains to be answered: why, if the Americans are so bloody keen to extradite St Julian, are they waiting for him to toddle all the way to Sweden when they already have a unilateral extradition treaty with Britain?

Maybe one day we will know the awful, naked truth, probably in the form of a leaked memo spread all over the internet by Mr Assole’s outlawed Leakiwiks organisation. So far, however, the simmering powderkeg of British revolution smoulders unaccountably on… and on… and on.

Monday, 7 February 2011

Norse Justice Would See My Client’s Still-Beating Heart Brutally Hacked Out, Argues Assange Lawyer

Sweden is a ghastly benighted place, your honour
If Wikileaks hero Julian Assange were to be extradited to the bloodthirsty Viking realm of Sweden, claimed his barrister today, he would undoubtedly be sacrificed in the horrifying ‘Blood Eagle’ ritual - staked to a tree, his ribs hacked apart with a crude iron axe and his still-pulsating heart torn out before his rolling eyes.

“I am reliably informed that this blood-curdling atrocity is what passes for justice in dark, pagan Sweden, m’lud,” Geoffrey Robertson QC told Belmarsh Magistrates’ Court. “My source is no less an authority than Ælfric the Grammarian, a scholarly monk of impeccable repute who learned of it from Abbo of Fleury, who in turn was told by the blessed St. Edmund’s personal sword-bearer that this unspeakable rite was performed on his liege-lord even as the horrified squire looked on in mortal terror from a nearby hiding-place.”

“Sadly I am unable to call any of these witnesses, as they have long since crumbled into dust,” he added, “But Ælfric the Grammarian has been widely quoted as an historical authority for a thousand years, and I can therefore see no reason to cast doubt upon his veracity now.”

Mr Robertson also pointed out that there was a very real danger that his client’s bloody carcass would then be handed over by the Viking barbarians to the savage tribes of Vinland, who are notorious for butchering their captives by hacking their scalps off and wearing the grisly souvenirs as a mark of their prowess as warriors.

The magistrate, Sir George Jeffreys, then adjourned the hearing until tomorrow, in order to give the prosecution time to construct a ducking stool for Mr Assange.

Saturday, 18 December 2010

Conspiracy Theorists Experience World’s Largest Simultaneous Orgasm

Abba have been warning people about Sweden since 1974
Within seconds of hearing Wikileaks' Julian Assange claim “there is a threat to my life,” millions of free-thinkers whose understanding has transcended the narrow limitations of the left brain - or ‘conspiracy nutters’ as they are known to scientists, and everybody else – were left panting and lighting up cigarettes after experiencing an unprecedented mass commotion in their bacofoil undercrackers.

After hastily changing their undergarments in the kitchen, the rabid community lost no time in identifying the shadowy organisations who would wish swift death upon the prophet who heroically revealed all kinds of happening shit to a horrified world.

“Of course, what six billion blind sheep simply refuse to recognise is that the Bilderberg Group is obviously using its hold over the 9-dimensional aliens to push the EU superstate towards an agreement with Rupert Murdoch and the Illuminati, which would force the BBC into giving the Elders of Zion free rein to talk Common Purpose into ordering Big Pharma to deceive the Swedish prosecutor into bludgeoning Julian Assange to death with Tom Cruise’s crystal pyramid in 2012,” blogged a typical self-polluting truthseeker, who was immediately congratulated by his barmy associates for his clear presentation of the reality behind the propaganda, apart from getting it all back to front.

Meanwhile, David Icke is strenuously denying rumours that he has paid a top hitman to take out the brave Wikileaks hero for stealing his act.

Thursday, 16 December 2010

Paint A Tippex Willy On Your Debit Card, Urge Assange Cultists

The Man simply has no answer to this
'Ridiculous’ - the online worshippers of Leakiwiks hero Julian Assange - are extending their protest methods further into the analogue realm, calling on millions of Christmas shoppers to tippex a crudely-drawn dripping penis onto their debit and credit cards in a mass show of support for their outspoken paragon of virtue.

The group, which started its protest with denial-of-service attacks on PayPal, Visa, Mastercard, Amazon, Google, iTunes, YouTube, comparethemeerkat.com and XHamster, has recently spread its tactics beyond the virtual world and into the physical domain. Earlier this week, members stepped up the campaign by scanning their buttocks and sending the images to their targets’ fax machines.

“Earlier today, a nerdy man came up to the till with the latest edition of PC Gamer and a Lion Bar,” confirmed a manager at the Queensway branch of WH Smith in Stevenage. “Without any warning, he suddenly whipped out a debit card bearing a rather distasteful depiction of a john thomas and thrust it into the reader. Sue, who served him, thinks it was a Nationwide card, but she’s still in shock.”

“Before this happened, like many of my friends and colleagues I just thought this Assange character was completely up himself, really,” he reflected soberly. “But now this principled show of public solidarity has made me realise that he is, in fact, all that stands between us and the hegemony of the New World Order.”

“Now if you’ll excuse me, I must just pop over to the stationery section and keep a stick of Tippex back for myself before we run out,” he added. “I’ll be popping into Burger King on the way home, and I need to make my voice heard.”

Wednesday, 8 December 2010

Why I'm Not Screaming For Julian Assange's Release

As a self-proclaimed Alternative Voice, I seem to be upsetting a few people by decrying the clamour for Wikileaks founder Julian Assange's immediate release. Perhaps I ought to take a little time out to explain why.


To begin with, let me say that I agree that the timing of Mr Assange's arrest on an extradition warrant, so soon after Wikileaks' massive release of US diplomatic documents, looks like a clumsy attempt by The Powers That Be to smear and silence him. I'd be blind not to recognise this. And, of course, as soon as he was under arrest, the US government was not slow in issuing its own request for extradition; they could hardly be expected to ignore such a golden opportunity.


But let's be clear on this - this correlation is insinuation, not proof.


First of all, how much harm has actually been done to the 'embarrassed' parties concerned? We now have documents which reveal, to the shocked amazement of a touchingly naïve public, that diplomats often send frank and often less than complimentary assessments of their host countries and their leading figures back to their superiors. Well, strange as it clearly seems to many, that is the purpose of diplomats. Did people think they simply passed their time the Ferrero Rocher around? We have also learned that a member of the Royal Family is a bit of a twit, several Arab monarchies are less than favourably disposed to the Iranian ayatollah state which gave its monarchy the boot, and allied nations find fault with each other. Strangely, however, none of this will exactly come as a surprise to anybody with an ounce of political awareness.


Secondly, there is more to the question of timing than meets the eye. The allegations are not new; indeed, Julian Assange has given his side of the story on numerous occasions previously. It was only a matter of time, once his whereabouts were ascertained, before an extradition request was sent to that country's authorities by Sweden. But there is another party involved in this sequence of events - namely, Wikileaks itself. With the Swedish net inexorably closing on Assange, it could be argued that the timing of their publication was calculated to cast him in the role of folk hero - and martyr - just when he most needed a huge injection of popular support. That, after all, has certainly been its effect.


This also begs the question: why does Wikileaks need a public face in the first place? Mr Assange has made his name synonymous with Wikileaks, but what for? Surely the greatest protection of such an organisation is its very anonymity?


Perhaps it's time to make a sober assessment of what Wikileaks actually does. It receives secret documents, then disseminates them on the internet. By their very nature, these documents are unverifiable; a fact which is generally overlooked in the ensuing media feeding frenzy as one of the basic tenets of responsible journalism - namely, obtaining independent corroboration - is cheerfully thrown to the four winds. Whatever denials or qualifications are issued by the authorities concerned, the natural reaction to their protestations is to say (to paraphrase Mandy Rice-Davies' comment during the Profumo scandal many years ago), "Well, they would say that, wouldn't they?" However, the fact remains - and this is the crux of my argument about Assange - that the leaked documents do not carry the authority of absolute, incontrovertible proof.


To get back to Mr Assange's current predicament, his supporters are vehement in claiming that he is now a political prisoner, being led to his doom over vaguely-defined claims of sexual misdemeanour. These claims are nothing but fabrications, they assert, designed both to discredit him in the eyes of the world and deliver him into the grateful hands of the US government. (Or, depending on who you listen to, a suspiciously convenient Dr Kelly-style death.)


In other words, the man who publicly represents an organisation which exists to disseminate unverifiable assertions which his supporters claim as incontrovertible fact is now being defended with unverifiable assertions which his supporters claim as incontrovertible fact. What has been lost from sight amidst all the shouting, it seems to me, is that the truth is known to only three people: Mr Assange himself, and the two women claiming he assaulted them.


Throughout the world, the establishment of guilt or innocence on the basis of evidence and probability is the preserve of the courtroom. If we fail to suspend our own judgement until the due process has been observed then we are displaying a lamentable disrespect for the very truth we claim to hold so dear.


So pardon me if I hesitate before proclaiming Mr Assange's saintly innocence across the internet. I'd rather wait and see how this plays out.