Monday, 24 October 2011

Shock Stats Prove Majority Of August’s Looters Were Little Toerags

All across the UK, households are struggling to take in the astounding statistical analysis which shows that almost everyone involved in August’s orgy of looting and arson was in fact a little toerag.

“Excel cannot lie,” declared senior Ministry of Justice analyst Michael Spreadsheet. “Astonishing as it may seem, many of these young criminals appear to be criminals.”

The data shows an inevitable trend in the toerag lifecycle, which begins with being spawned in mass poverty, struggling energetically towards exclusion from school and a series of police cautions, before the toerag larva finally catches its first community sentence. From there, it is but a short step to rioting, looting, arson and ultimately mass murder for the few hatchlings that reach adulthood.

Beautiful photography, Sir David
Contrary to what biologists previously believed, however, it appears that the toerag is not much given to roaming in packs.

“These are not social animals,” commented TV’s Sir David Attenborough. “Co-operation requires a certain amount of intelligence. If you want to know more about these fascinating but little-understood creatures, don’t miss my forthcoming series, Shitty Planet.”

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